f 


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SARA 
WHITE 

ISAITAN 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


DOWN  IT  CAME  WITH  ALL  ON  BOARD. 


Uncle  Hiram 

in 

California 


More  Fun  and  Laughter 
With  Uncle  Hiram  and  Aunt  Phoebe 

By 

Sara  White  Isaman 


New  York 
The  H.  K.  Fly  Company 

Publishers 


Copyright,  1917, 

By 
Sara  White  Isaman 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DEDICATED 

TO 

MY  BELOVED  SISTEE, 
MES.  WILLIAM  HENEY  AKIN 


TEN  YEAES  IN  "THE  CITY  BEAUTIFUL" 

gjTTT'S  just  ten  years  ago  to-day,  Mandy," 

announced     Aunt     Phoebe     Harrison, 

"since  me  and  your  Uncle  Hiram  first 

landed  in  California.    So  this  morning  when  we 

were  sitting  down  to  our  breakfast  I  asked,  'Do 

you  know,  Hiram  Harrison,  that  this  is  one  of 

our  anniversary  days'? 

"Your  Uncle  looked  up  from  the  mornin' 
paper  where  he  was  scanning  the  headlines  for 
the  latest  news,  and  answered  me  back  by  ask- 
ing, 'What  do  you  mean,  Phoebe?' 

"  'I  mean  it's  just  ten  years  ago  today  since 
we' — 'landed  in  California'  finished  your  Uncle, 
glancin'  at  the  date  on  the  paper  and  throwing 
it  under  the  table,  and  then,  continuing  in  a 
reminiscent-like  mood :  'Sure  enough ;  how  time 
does  fly  on  golden  wings  in  this  land  of  the  set- 
ting sun;  seems  more  like  ten  months  than  ten 
years,  and  IVe  enjoyed  every  minute  of  it,  too. 

"  'And  Phoebe,'  he  continued,  'you  don't  look 

9 


10     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOKNIA 

a  day  older ;  and  now  that  I  take  a  good  square 
look  at  you,  I  believe  you  look  younger,  and  a 
whole  lot  handsomer,  than  you  did  ten  years- 
ago. 

"  'This  is  a  wonderful  country  to  preserve 
women's  looks,  provMed,  of  course,  they  have 
any  looks  to  preserve,"  he  added. 

"Mebby  I  do  look  younger,  and  handsomer, 
than  I  did  ten  years  ago,  and  mebby  I  don't, 
but  all  the  same  such  talk  listens  good  to  any 
woman  who  is  picking  out  gray  hairs  on  the 
sly  and  living  in  fear  of  a  three-ply  double  chin ; 
especially  since  dame  fashion  has  wished  a  lot 
of  juvenile  styles  on  us  that  we  are  supposed  to 
wear  regardless. 

"Many  a  man  walking  behind  a  woman  and 
admiring  her  trim,  girlish-clad  figure  has  had 
the  shock  of  his  life  when  he  sees  a  grand- 
mother face  peeping  out  from  beneath  her 
flower-laden  picture  hat ;  and  far  be  it  from  me 
shocking  anyone  like  that  if  I  can  help  it ;  and  it 
certainly  is  encouraging  to  hear,  at  least,  that 
you  are  holding  your  own,  and  not  at  all  dis- 
pleased at  the  compliment,  I  answered  back: 

"  'I  suppose  losing  that  forty  pounds  did  im- 
prove my  figure,  and  I  must  say  the  fifty  pounds 


IN   THE   "CITY   BEAUTIFUL"      11 

you  gained  since  coming  to  Californy  made  a 
fine  looking  man  out  of  Hiram  Harrison. 

"  'And  I  was  just  thinking,'  I  continued, 
'there  was  not  a  man  on  the  golf  links  yesterday 
whose  clothes  set  any  better  than  yours.  Since 
you  have  been  patronizing  that  expensive  tailor 
you  look  like  a  different  man.' 

"  'And  I  heard  a  party  of  swell-looking  folks 
say,  yesterday,'  he  broke  in,  'that  your  new  golf 
clothes  had  more  class  to  them  than  anything 
seen  in  the  club  house  for  years.' 

"Then  we  both  laughed;  for  there  we  sat, 
throwing  bouquets  at  each  other  worse  than  any 
young  honeymoonin'  couple,  and  then  I  said 
'Well,  there  certainly  was  plenty  of  room  for 
improvement.  Yes,  I  guess,  like  a  lot  of  other 
green  tourists  from  the  middle  west,  there  was 
room  for  improvement,  all  right.' 

"  'Middle  west,  nothing!  I  get  tired  of  hear- 
in'  that  remark.  One  would  think  any  tramp 
born  in  the  slums  of  New  York  City  was  better 
than  a  gentleman  from  the  middle  west.  Every- 
body has  to  learn  the  ropes  when  they  come  to 
Californy.  Heard  a  fresh  tourist  ask  a  police- 
man the  other  day  if  he'd  have  to  take  the 
"Angel's  Flight  car  line"  to  see  the  Bunker 


12     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

Hill  monument,  and  another  one  wanted  to  know 
if  there  was  an  Indian  settlement  out  of  Alle- 
sandro  street,  and  I  Ve  had  a  half  dozen  of  them 
ask  me  this  winter  what  convention  was  in  town 
when  they  see  the  crowds  on  Broadway,  so  I 
guess  we  caught  on  about  as  well  as  the  rest.' 

"  'Well,'  says  I,  *I  wouldn't  want  to  go 
through  it  again.  Eemember  the  first  time  we 
ate  at  Levy's,  because  you  thought  it  would  be 
cheap — seeing  them  cooking  in  full  view  of  the 
street?  And  the  first  time  we  ever  was  in  a 
cafeteria,  and  you  dropped  a  tray  full  of  vic- 
tuals onto  a  bald-headed  man?' 

"  *  Just  like  a  woman,'  growled  your  Uncle, 
'to  get  a  man  into  a  thing  and  then  laugh  at 
him.  Well,  I  never  got  supper  in  the  wrong 
apartment  anyway;  and  you  was  pretty  badly 
plagued  when  that  smarty  saw  you  in  your  bath- 
ing suit,  and  told  the  other  bathers  to  look  out, 
for  when  you  got  in — the  ocean  would  rise  a 
foot.' 

"So  the  tables  were  turned  on  me,  but  I  con- 
tinued: 'Eemember  how  the  sight-seeing  man 
told  us  Busche's  Gardens  was  sunken  by  an 
earthquake?' 

"  'Yes,  and  I'm  not  sure  yet  but  what  they 


IN  THE   "CITY   BEAUTIFUL"      13 

were/  argued  your  Uncle,  who  always  hates  to 
give  up  to  being  fooled;  'so  long  as  there  was 
earthquakes  some  fifty  thousand  years  or  more 
before  that  smarty  was  born,  who  knows  for  cer- 
tain how  they  was  sunk!' 

"  'And  then,'  says  I,  'when  we  asked  him  if 
he'd  showed  us  all  the  curiosities  we  were  en- 
titled to  for  our  two  dollars,  he  pointed  out  a 
woman  standing  on  the  sidewalk  and  said,  she 
was  the  biggest  curiosity  he  knew  of  because  she 
was  the  first  woman  he  ever  saw  who  stuttered. 
He  was  right  about  that  but  I  never  thought  of 
it  before. 

"  'I've  heard  a  woman  can't  keep  a  secret, 
too,  but  I  never  told  a  soul  back  home  about  the 
time  you  thought  you  was  a  capturing  a  Cata- 
lina  mountain  goat  alive,  and  grabbed  a  nanny 
goat,  that  had  her  head  in  some  bushes,  by  the 
hind  legs  and  both  of  you  tumbled,  head  over 
heels,  down  that  steep  mountain  side  and  a  mov- 
ing picture  man  who  happened  to  see  the  per- 
formance, offered  you  five  hundred  dollars  to  do 
the  act  over  again?' 

"  'Yes,  I  shut  him  up  mighty  quick  by  tellin* 
him  I'd  do  it  for  nothin',  if  he'd  take  the  part 
of  the  goat." 


14     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

"  'That  wasn't  as  funny  though,  as  the  idea 
you  got  into  your  head  when  we  visited  the  os- 
trich farm,  and  saw  a  rooster  ostrich  sitting  in 
the  sand  trying  to  hatch  out  some  eggs,  while 
the  lady  ostrich  was  gadding  around  enjoying 
herself;  and  you  said,  you  was  going  to  invent 
a  Booster  Brooder  Machine  that  would  revo- 
lutionize the  chicken  industry  and  land  you  in 
the  millionaire  class.' 

66  'Well,  didn't  I  do  it  T  answered  back  your 
Uncle  real  peeved  as  he  always  is  when  I  men- 
tion this  subject,  'even  experts  said  the  Boos- 
ter Brooder  Machine  was  a  marvel  of  simplicity, 
and  if  you  hadn't  got  chicken-hearted  yourself 
when  the  old  General  I  tried  it  on  went  on  the 
hunger  strike,  we'd  be  livin'  now  in  a  half- 
million-dollar  house  on  some  swell  street  in 
Pasadena.  That  Brooder  would  have  been  a 
bigger  money-maker  than  any  patent  medicine 
or  chewing  gum  ever  put  on  the  market.  Trust 
you  to  interfere  and  spoil  things.  If  I  had  it 
to  do  over  I'd  force-feed  that  rooster  like  they 
do  them  suffragette  women  they  put  in  jail.' 

"  'All  the  same,'  says  I,  'I'll  never  forget 
the  old  General  sittin'  on  them  eggs,  with  his 
head  sticking  out  of  a  hole  in  top  of  the  brooder, 


IN  THE   "CITY  BEAUTIFUL"      15 

and  a  flock  of  hens  circlin'  round  him  at  a  safe 
distance,  with  a  curious  look  in  their  eyes,  for 
all  the  world  like  I've  seen  a  lot  of  wimin  look 
at  a  man  milliner,  or  a  man  dressmaker.' 

"  'Well,'  observed  your  Uncle  thoughtfully, 
'mebby  the  feathered  kingdom  won't  take  kind- 
ly to  this  new  feminist  movement,  but  it  don't 
take  a  prophet  to  see  the  finish  of  mere  man, 
and  Californy  with  its  deciding  vote  in  the 
hands  of  the  wimen  is  going  to  head  the  move- 
ment with  a  brass  band.' 

"  'I  guess  you  are  right,'  I  admitted;  *I 
used  to  take  this  equality  talk  as  a  joke,  but 
after  hearing  that  woman  lecture  at  the  club  the 
other  day  I  am  prepared  for  anything;  she  is 
the  President  of  a  "Dress  Eeform  Movement," 
to  compel  by  law  the  adoption  of  a  uniform 
dress  to  be  worn  by  men  and  women  alike.  She 
said  dressing  different  was  an  idea  handed 
down  from  the  dark  ages,  when  folks  lived  in 
caves  and  the  wimen  dressed  themselves  in 
leaves  and  grasses  and  the  men  wore  the  skins 
of  animals.  She  said,  "There  never  would  be 
a  real  equality  of  the  sexes  until  they  dressed 
so  as  you  can't  tell  which  from  the  other."  ' 

"She  showed  us  some  drawings  of  the  uni- 


16     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

form  the  *  Dress  Eeform  Movement '  had  in 
mind,  in  which  they  tried  to  cater  to  the  pre- 
verted  tastes  in  dress  of  both  male  and  female, 
so  as  not  to  shock  either  of  them  too  much  by 
the  change. 

"For  instance  to  please  the  men  the  derby 
hat  style  was  to  be  adopted,  but  to  cater  to  the 
savage  taste  of  the  wimen  for  decorating  their 
headgear  an  upstanding  butterfly  bow  of  ribbon 
would  be  added  to  the  back.  The  uniform  itself 
was  to  be  a  Norfolk  jacket  bloomer  style  of 
dress,  made  of  dark  cloth  in  winter,  and  white 
in  summer." 

"Your  'Uncle  groaned,  and  said:  'They  will 
do  it  yet,  Phoebe,  see  if  they  don't,'  givin'  the 
women  the  balance  of  power  at  the  poles  was  a 
dark  day  for  Calif orny.  Things  didn't  go  np 
at  Sacramento  this  year  exactly  to  their  likin', 
and  I've  heard  dark  threats  already  that  the 
remedy  was  to  replace  the  anti-women  men  leg- 
islators with  women,  at  the  next  election;  and 
who  knows  what  humiliating  laws  they'll  sad- 
dle onto  the  menf  Pretty  how-de-doo,  such  a 
uniform  dress  law  would  make,  when  worked 
out. 

"  'Take  this  young  married  couple  next  door 


IN   THE    "CITY   BEAUTIFUL"       17 

for  instance.  She's  dark  and  tall,  and  he's 
small  and  blonde ;  dress  him  up  in  one  of  them 
white  uniforms,  with  a  sky  blue  butterfly  bow 
on  the  back  of  his  hat,  and  some  man  will  be 
tryin'  to  flirt  with  him  before  he'd  get  a  block 
away  from  home,  and  trust  you,  Phoebe,  to  put 
on  the  cleanest  duds,  if  our  clothes  are  both 
alike  and  you  can  have  your  choice. 

"Let  them  go,  though.  It  will  save  the  men 
a  lot  of  money  when  they  don't  have  to  pay  a 
pack  of  milliners,  to  turn  their  wives'  hats  in- 
side out,  and  upside  down,  so  the  old  dome  will 
look  as  much  out  of  style  as  a  last  year's  bird's 
nest.  Its  an  ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  good, 
even  this  crazy  idea  of  a  lot  of  wimen  politi- 
cians." 

"  'Speaking  of  politics,'  says  I,  ' reminds  me 
of  a  discussion  they  had  at  the  club;  they  of- 
fered a  prize,  a  copy  of  "How  to  Manage  a 
Man,"  for  the  best  answer  to  the  question, 
"When  is  a  Tourist  a  Calif ornian?"  One 
woman  said  it  was  when  they  quit  wearing  over- 
coats ;  another  said  it  was  when  they  quit  knock- 
ing California,  but  the  woman  who  got  the  prize 
says  it  was  when  wimen  commenced  to  talk  poli- 
tics, and  men  commenced  to  grumble  about  the 


18     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

taxes.  Now  what  would  you  have  answered?' 
"  'Who,  me?'  said  your  Uncle.  'Pd  have 
said,  it  was  when  the  wimen  commenced  to 
spend  every  dollar  they  can  get  their  hands  on 
for  clothes  and  take  an  interest  in  the  society 
news  of  the  Sunday  papers;  and  after  makin'  a 
visit  "back  home,"  where  life  is  apt  to  be  pretty 
tame  after  living  in  California.' 


CJNWELCOME  GUESTS 

FORMER  NEIGHBORS  VISIT  AUNT  PHOEBE  AND  UNCLE 
HIRAM 

{  {  T"  *M  glad  you're  goin'  to  make  a  long  visit, 
Mandy,"  observed  Aunt  Phoebe,  "for  I 
want  to  tell  you  about  a  lot  of  funny  ex- 
periences me  and  your  Uncle  Hiram  have  had 
since  coming  out  to  California. 

"First  I'll  tell  you  about  Caliope  Campbell 
and  his  family  descendin'  on  us  for  a  long  visi- 
tation soon  after  we  had  got  comfortably  set- 
tled in  our  new  home  out  Westlake  way;  and 
later,  how  they  nearly  mortified  us  to  death  by 
comin'  to  the  Virginia  to  see  us  and  followin' 
us  up  to  the  St.  Francis  in  San  Francisco, 
where  Caliope  nearly  met  his  Waterloo  gettin' 
choked  on  a  sand  dab  bone.  Then  some  other 
time  I'll  tell  you  about  what  a  time  I  had  tryin' 
to  get  a  good  hired  girl;  then  about  apartment 
house  life  in  California  and  buyin'  Twelve  Hun- 

19 


20     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOKNIA 

dred  Dollars  worth  of  clothes  at  one  time.  And, 
oh,  yes,  don't  let  me  forget  to  tell  you  about  the 
time  your  Uncle  thought  I  was  crazy  because 
I  told  him  I  saw  a  man  drivin'  a  cow  a  la  horse 
style  on  the  women-crowded  streets  of  Los  An- 
geles. Then  about  our  trip  to  Seattle  and  Port- 
land and  last  but  not  least,  our  trip  back  to  our 
old  Indiana  home  that  neither  of  us  had  seen 
since  we  left  it  on  our  weddin'  day  to  carve 
out  a  new  home  on  the  prairies  of  Nebraska,  and 
how  rejoiced  we  both  were  to  get  back  to  the 
sunshine  and  flowers  of  dear,  old  California. 
But  now  I  must  get  back  to  the  Campbell's  visit. 

"One  mornin'  when  your  uncle  was  readin' 
the  items  from  the  Fairview  Precinct  in  the 
Lincoln  Journal,  he  suddenly  throwed  the  paper 
clear  across  the  room,  and  called  out  to  me,  who 
was  busy  in  the  kitchen:  'Caliope  Campbell  has 
traded  his  west  eighty  for  a  chicken  ranch  out 
in  the  suburbs  at  "Watts,  and  they  are  comin' 
out  here  for  good  an'  all. 

"  '  Just  my  luck,  of  course,'  he  grumbled,  'af- 
ter almost  movin'  to  get  rid  of  them,  to  have 
them  up  and  sell  out  and  follow  me.' 

"  i  We're  in  for  it,  Phoebe,'  he  continued,  'for 
the  correspondent  from  Fairview  Precinct  says 


UNWELCOME  GUESTS  21 

after  visitin'  their  former  nabers,  the  Harri- 
sons, for  a  month  or  so,  an'  seein'  the  sights  of 
the  city,  they  will  go  overland  to  their  new  home 
in  Watts.' 

"  'Do  as  you  please  about  it,  Phoebe/  he 
growled,  '  but  forewarned  is  forearmed,  and  Hi- 
ram Harrison  is  goin '  to  be  absent  from  the  city 
'bout  the  time  his  former  nabers  happen  along. 
Wouldn't  live  in  the  same  house  a  month  with 
that  clapper-tongued,  long-nosed,  tow-headed  fe- 
male if  you's  give  me  a  thou ' 

"  'Hush,'  says  I,  interruptin'  him;  '  'Taint 
becomin'  for  a  man  of  your  years  to  talk  so 
against  any  former  naber  woman  that  way.  If 
they  come  we'll  have  to  make  the  best  of  it.' 

"  'Best  of  your  granny's  nightcap!'  he  broke 
in.  'If  them  Campbells  get  into  this  house,  'twill 
be  over  the  prostrate  form  of  Hiram  Harrison. 
I'd  as  soon  entertain  them  young  lions  out  to 
the  park  as  them  Campbell  twin  boys.  Never 
could  bear  'em  since  they  put  that  dog  into  the 
front  room  that  time  an'  nearly  scairt  you  to 
death.  Beckon  Mrs.  Campbell  spread  it  all  round 
the  naberhood  that  I  was  scairt,  too. ' 

"Then  I  commenced  to  laugh,  for  I  never  will 
forget  how  scairt  your  Uncle  was,  when  he 


22     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

opened  the  door  first  that  night,  and  it  bein' 
pitch-dark,  he  tramped  right  onto  the  sleepin' 
dog  that  jumped  up  with  a  bow-wow  an'  throwed 
him  acrost  the  room.  The  dog  was  scairt  too, 
an'  run  round  and  round,  upsettin'  chairs  and 
things  till  it  see  the  door  an'  run  out,  nearly 
upsettin'  me,  too;  then  I  rushed  in  and  lit  the 
lamp,  an'  there  stood  your  Uncle  in  a  chair 
wavin'  his  arms  an'  callin'  for  me  to  git  the 
shotgun. 

"He  never  could  bear  them  Campbell  twins 
afterward,  for  the  little  rats  was  watchin'  the 
fun,  an'  their  mother  told  it  all  over  the  next 
day,  an'  folks  laughed  an'  joked  him  'bout  it  till 
your  Uncle  thought  he  was  disgraced  all  over 
Lancaster  county. 

"  'Caliope,'  continued  your  uncle  (they  called 
him  Caliope  because  when  he  snored,  the  noise 
one  side  of  his  nose  made  sounded  so  much  like 
a  steam  caliope,  <t  would  have  fooled  an  expert), 
'is  so  henpecked  he  makes  me  ashamed  of  my 
sex.  If  she  was  to  feed  him  froze  sawdust  for 
ice  cream,  he'd  go  round  blowin'  'bout  the  "ice 
cream  my  wife  made. ' '  Whenever  he  says  ' l  My 
Wife,"  it  seems  to  me  he  always  says  it  in 
itallacks  and  capital  letters.  If  the  nabors  out 


UNWELCOME  GUESTS  23 

here  hears  him  snorin'  an'  her  talkin'  through 
her  beak  of  a  nose,  they'd  think  we 'd  bought  us  a 
phonygraf,  as  well  as  a  caliope.' 

"  There  must  have  been  a  mistake  'bout  the 
time  they  was  to  start,  for  a  few  days  afterward 
I  looked  out  of  the  window  and  saw  the  Camp- 
bells a  comin'.  They  was  comin'  single  file, 
stringin'  along  half  a  block,  Caliope  a-headin' 
the  procession,  luggin'  a  box  with  slats  nailed 
over  the  top,  through  which  three  chickens,  two 
hens  and  a  rooster,  was  stickin'  their  heads. 
An  awkward  girl  and  Mrs.  Campbell  was  loaded 
down  with  pillers  and  satchels  and  lunch  bas- 
kets while  the  two  twins,  Silas  and  Sammy,  was 
leadin'  a  yellow  dog  that  was  about  the  size  of  a 
Jersey  calf.  Your  Uncle  was  upstairs,  and  come 
tearin'  down  in  a  hurry  when  I  called  up  to  him 
that  the  Campbells  was  a-comin'. 

"  'To  the  bathroom,'  he  commanded,  like  a 
general  leadin'  an  army,  an'  just  as  the  Camp- 
bells came  stringin'  catacornered  acrost  the 
lawn  we  was  locked  safe  an'  sound  for  the  time 
bein'  inside,  prepared  for  a  good  long  wait. 
iWhen  I  looked  at  your  Uncle  I  see  he  had  most 
of  a  pie  and  part  of  a  roast  chicken  an'  a  loaf 
o'  bread  that  he  had  grabbed  from  the  pantry 


24     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

ias  we  come  through.  'A  general  always  pre- 
pares for  a  siege,'  said  he,  gazin'  at  the  vict- 
uals; * more'n  likely  they'll  stay  till  dark,  an* 
we  don't  want  to  get  too  far  from  our  base  of 
supplies. ' 

"Caliope  rung  the  front  door  bell,  and 
pounded  on  the  door,  an'  Mrs.  Campbell  rung 
the  side  door  bell  and  pounded  on  that  door, 
while  the  girl  went  round  to  try  the  kitchen. 
The  twins  put  in  their  time  throwin'  sand  and 
pebbles  at  the  windows  and  tramplin'  my  ferns 
and  bio  win'  the  auto  horn;  and,  failin'  to  raise 
us,  they  held  a  council  of  war  and  planned  a 
second  attact.  A  window  had  been  hoisted  a 
ways  in  the  upstairs  hall,  an'  Caliope  got  a  lad- 
der and  tried  that  while  the  women  took  turns 
at  ringin'  the  bell  and  the  twins  squirted  water 
from  the  hose  onto  the  windows  and  everything. 
When  I  caught  sight  of  Mrs.  Campbell  makin' 
for  the  back  of  the  house  I  had  my  fears.  We 
could  see  the  kitchen  door  from  one  of  the  bath- 
room windows,  and  we  watched  her  while  she 
tried  the  screen  door,  which  was  hooked  on  the 
inside.  Your  Uncle  chuckled  when  it  wouldn't 
budge,  but  he  laughed  too  soon,  for,  after  think- 
in'  a  bit,  she  fished  out  a  hairpin  from  her  little 


UNWELCOME  GUESTS  25 

wad  of  hair,  and  shapin'  it  somethin'  like  a 
hook,  she  picked  around  till  she  had  the  door 
open,  and  with  a  triumphant  whoop  Silas  and 
Sammy  landed  in  the  kitchen.  There  was  a  table 
under  a  transom  in  the  bathroom,  where  I  could 
see  through  into  my  bedroom,  and  through  the 
dinin'  room  door.  I  clum  up  and  watched  'em 
as  they  come  in  sheddin'  things  right  and  left 
till  they  reached  my  bedroom.  'They  ain't  io 
home,'  said  Mrs.  Campbell,  takin'  off  her  short- 
backed  felt  sailer,  and  her  brown  plush  coat 
lined  with  brown  quilted  satin  that  she  bought 
when  they  was  all  the  rage  back  in  the  early 
eighties.  '  No,  they  ain't  at  home,  and  I  Ve  heard 
folks  get  the  gallups  just  as  soon  as  they  get  to 
Californy,  so  we  may  as  well  make  ourselves 
at  home,  for  there's  no  tellin'  when  they  will 
get  back.  But  they  can 't  be  very  far  away, '  says 
she,  openin'  a  closet,  'for  here's  her  hat  and 
cape.  Aunt  Phoebe's  gettin'  gay,  and  puttin' 
on  as  much  style  as  a  country  school  ma'am,' 
says  she,  takin'  out  my  bird-of-paradise  hat  an' 
puttin'  it  on  hind-side  before.  Then  she  put  on 
my  new  black  opera  cape  with  the  lavender 
linin '  outside.  '  There 's  no  fool  like  an  old  fool. ' 
says  she,  and  although  she  was  lookin'  in  the 


26     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

lookin'  glass,  I  knowed  she  wan't  talkin'  about 
herself. 

"By  this  time  Sofie  was  busy  in  the  parlor 
with  the  pianola,  Caliope  was  helpin'  hisself  to 
things  on  the  sideboard  and  the  twins  had 
caught  the  white  angora  kitten  and  greased  its 
head  an'  tail  slick  with  my  face  cream.  The  rest 
of  his  fluffy  fur  stood  out  straight  from  fright, 
an',  mad  as  I  was,  I  couldn't  help  laughin',  he 
looked  so  funny.  When  one  twin  took  him  by, 
the  ears  and  the  other  one  by  the  tail  and  swung 
him  round,  he  let  out  such  scairt,  pitiful  yowls 
that  your  uncle,  who  set  great  store  by  the  kit- 
ten, couldn't  stand  it  any  longer,  and  tiptoes 
hisself  up  onto  the  table  alongside  of  me  to  see 
what  was  goin*  on. 

"He  hadn't  any  more'n  put  his  two  feet  on 
till  the  table  swayed,  an'  with  a  noise  like  the 
crack  o'  doom,  down  it  went  with  all  on  board. 

"  ' Earthquakes,'  yelled  Mrs.  Campbell,  headed 
for  the  front  yard,  the  rest  a-follerin'  her.  The 
nabers  came  out  to  see  what  the  commotion  was 
about,  an'  there  she  stood  wearin'  my  hat  an' 
cape,  and  tellin'  the  nabers  that  she  felt  two 
distinct  earthquake  shocks  (one  when  I  came 
down  and  one  when  your  uncle  did,  I  suppose). 


UNWELCOME  QUESTS  27 

I  heard  she  wrote  back  home  that  she  went 
through  an  awful  quake,  but  the  folks  in  Cali- 
forny  denied  it  for  fear  it'd  hurt  the  country. 
In  the  meantime,  we  was  takin'  an  inventory  of 
ourselves,  an'  found  your  uncle  had  banged  his 
nose  up  pretty  bad  hittin'  it  on  the  bath  tub, 
and  I  had  twisted  my  ankle  so  as  I  couldn't 
stand  up  alone. 

"  'Outgeneraled  by  a  woman  with  a  hairpin,' 
blurted  out  your  uncle,  holdin'  his  handkerchief 
to  his  nose. 

"  'We're  in  for  it,'  says  I,  weakly;  'go 
and ' 

"  'Who's  runnin'  this  campaign,  Phoebe,  you 
or  me?' 

"  'It  seems  to  be  runnin'  itself,'  says  I,  and 
he  answered: 

' '  '  Obey  orders,  and  I  '11  get  rid  of  them  Camp- 
bells in  twenty-four  hours  or  call  in  the  police, 
one  or  the  other.' 

"With  a  cane  and  your  uncle's  help  I  got  to 
the  spare  bedroom  upstairs,  and  just  as  I  turned 
the  key  in  the  lock  I  heard  the  Campbells  all 
come  troopin'  back  arguin'  whether  there  was 
one  or  two  earthquake  shocks. 

"Puttin'  on  his  hat,  your  uncle  slipped  out  a 


28     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

side  door  and  come  in  the  front  one  like  as  if 
he'd  just  come  home  from  town.  A  little  thing 
like  me  bein'  too  sick  to  see  any  of  them  didn't 
matter,  an'  Mrs.  Campbell  soon  turned  her  at- 
tention to  gittin'  supper.  Your  uncle  told  her 
the  Jap  boy  would  be  back  soon,  but  she  said 
after  four  days  of  stale  light  bread  on  the  cars, 
she  was  pinin'  for  a  mess  of  soda  biscuit,  and 
she  hadn't  fell  low  enough  yet  to  eat  biscuits 
after  a  heathen — 'you  might  ketch  the  yeller 
peril  or  some  other  furrin  disease  from  'em', 
she  said. 

"When  the  Jap  boy  come  back  a  little  later 
and  found  all  the  baggage  and  them  chickens, 
not  to  mention  the  dog,  tied  to  the  table  leg  in 
the  kitchen,  and  two  new  cooks  wearin'  his  best 
white  aprons,  gettin'  supper,  he  was  so  excited 
he  forgot  all  his  boasted  fluent  English  an'  jab- 
bered to  himself  like  a  crazy  man. 

6 1  To  go  back  a  little,  it  seems  that  Sofie's  beau, 
Mosy  Saunders,  had  come  through  with  Cali- 
ope's  household  goods,  so  that  night,  nearly 
'leven  o'clock  'twas,  we  heard  the  awfullest 
poundin'  on  the  front  door  an'  trampin'  on  the 
porch.  I  thought  't  was  a  runaway  horse,  an' 
your  uncle  thought  mebby  the  house  was  on  fire 


UNWELCOME  GUESTS  29 

an'  the  firemen  was  a-tryin'  to  break  open  the 
door,  so  he  jumped  out  of  bed  in  an  awful  hurry 
an'  hoistin'  the  window,  hollered  down: 

11  *  Who's  there,  an'  what  do  you  want!' 

"  'Why,  it's  me,'  spoke  up  a  cheerful  young 
voice  from  out  the  dark;  'Sid  Saunder's  young- 
est boys,  Mosy,  an'  I've  come  to  set  up.' 

'  *  *  Well,  you  can  set  up  on  the  telephone  pole, 
or  mosey  back  to  town,  for  all  I  care,'  answered 
back  your  uncle,  mad  as  a  hornit,  slammin'  down 
the  window  and  divin'  back  into  bed. 

"  'Hiram  Harrison,  I'm  ashamed  of  you,'  said 
I,  takin'  a  hand  in  the  Campbell  fracas  for  the 
first  time  that  day. 

"  'Of  course,'  growled  your  uncle  from  the 
bed  covers,  an'  I  went  on:  'Surely  you  ain't  for- 
got that  awful  time  when  we  first  come  to  Ne- 
braska and  I  had  pneumony  an'  no  one  come 
near  because  of  a  smallpox  scare,  an'  when  you 
was  nearly  dead  waitin'  on  me,  who  but  Mary 
Saunders  come  through  a  blindin'  blizzard  to 
nurse  me,  leavin'  little  Mosy,  that  you've  just 
drove  from  the  door,  at  home  to  cry  his  eyes 
out  after  his  ma?' 

"He  twisted  'round  and  said:  'She  got  paid 


30     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

for  it ;  let  a  body  lift  a  finger  for  yon  an'  you  re- 
member it  forever. ' 

*'  'You  can't  pay  such  debts  with  money,'  I 
answered,  'and  besides  there's  been  so  few  fin- 
gers lifted  that  I  can't  afford  to  forget  them 
that  was.  Hoist  that  window  at  once  an'  tell 
Sid  Saunders'  youngest  boy  Mosy,  to  go  'round 
to  the  kitchen  door.' 

"Your  uncle  minded  me  £or  once  in  his  life, 
and  while  Mosy  was  waitin'  for  him  to  come 
down  I  heard  voices  below.  The  policeman  on 
our  block  had  heard  the  commotion  an'  come 
over  to  see  what  was  up.  Mosy,  innocent  as  a 
lamb,  said  'Howdy-do,'  an'  asked  him  if  he  was 
a-boardin'  with  Aunt  Phoebe.  The  policeman 
told  your  uncle  afterward  that  he  was  puzzled 
for  a  minute  as  to  whether  he  had  nabbed  a  fa- 
mous crook  who  was  shammin',  or  whether  the 
feller  was  actually  that  green. 

"Well,  your  uncle  finally  got  Mosy  in,  an' 
Sofie  out,  so  to  speak,  and  she  went,  sleepy-like 
down  the  back  stairs,  buttonin'  the  back  of  her 
dress  as  she  went,  an'  missin'  a  step,  she  went 
humpity-bump  down  them  stairs,  burstin'  open 
the  stair  door  and  Ian  din'  in  the  middle  of 
the  kitchen  in  front  of  the  astonished  Mosy. 


UNWELCOME  GUESTS  31 

Then  he  told  her  the  reason  he  was  so  late  was 
because  he  had  lost  the  address  she  give  him, 
and  rememberin'  somethin'  about  Westlake,  he 
had  knocked  at  half  the  doors  'round  Westlake 
Park  till  he  found  us. 

"The  course  of  true  love  run  smoother  after 
this,  for  Sofie  was  soon  gettin'  Mosy  his  supper, 
and  everything  was  fine. 

"Your  uncle,  gettin'  up  middlin'  early  next 
mornin'  found  'em  both  settin'  on  the  couch 
with  their  shoes  off  and  their  arms  around  each 
other  sound  asleep. 

"How  did  your  uncle  get  rid  of  them  Camp- 
bells? I'll  tell  you  some  other  time,  for  I  see 
your  uncle  comin'  an'  I  dassent  tell  it  afore  him. 
He  gets  mad  if  I  even  laugh  when  I  hear  a  band 
playin'  'The  Campbells  is  comin'." 


HIEED  GIELS 

AUNT  PHOEBE  RELATES   HER   EXPERIENCES   IN 
CALIFORNIA 

UGH  a  time  as  we  had  in  Californy, 
Mandy,  gettin'  a  good  hired  girl,"  com- 
plained Aunt  Phoebe  to  her  niece.  "I 
thought  at  first  it  would  be  lots  handier  than  it 
used  to  be  back  home,  just  to  ring  up  an  employ- 
ment agency  and  have  'em  send  one  out,  an' 
save  all  the  fussin'  your  uncle  used  to  do,  when 
he  had  to  hook  on  to  the  buggy  and  drive  over 
to  the  Swede  settlement  and  fetch  one  home. 
My  goodness,  Mandy,  it  seems  like  a  dream  the 
way  them  clean,  good-natured  girls  worked  day 
in  an'  day  out,  after  a  siege  of  them  employ- 
ment-agency kind.  I  see  now  I  didn't  half  ap- 
preciate what  they  done  for  me,  so  I  sent  every 
one  of  them  a  nice  present  from  Californy  last 
Christmas.  Yes,  after  you  got  one  of  them  good 
Swede  girls  your  troubles  were  over — at  least 

32 


HIEED  GIELS  33 

till  she  married  the  hired  hand.  But  out  in  Cal- 
iforny  a  new  hired  girl  means  as  much  trouble 
as  a  run  of  the  grippe,  or  housecleaning  back 
home. 

"Well,  the  first  thing  I  done  after  movin'  into 
our  house  out  Westlake  way,  was  to  call  up  one 
of  them  agencies  and  asked  fur  a  girl.  The  wo- 
man who  answered  the  'phone,  instead  of  an- 
swerin'  my  questions  commenced  to  put  me 
through  a  cross-examination  about  things  I  had 
always  thought  was  only  family  affairs.  She 
seemed  disappointed  when  I  said  there  was  two 
of  us  and  said  most  of  the  girls  was  desirous 
of  obtaining  situations  in  a  family  of  one.  How- 
ever, she  said  if  I  could  furnish  satisfactory  ref- 
erences as  to  our  respectability  and  financial 
standing  she  would  try  and  send  me  a  maid,  who 
had  seen  better  days  and  expected  to  be  treated 
as  one  of  the  family.  When  I  told  your  uncle  he 
'lowed  he'd  been  in  some  families  where  he'd 
hate  to  be  treated  like  one  of  'em,  and  as  for 
her  havin'  seen  better  days,  says  he,  'I  don't 
wonder  a  mite,  for  the  wind  is  blowin'  a  regular 
Santa  Ana  out  of  doors.' 

"She  didn't  show  up  till  nearly  night,  after 
me  an'  your  Uncle  had  all  the  hard  straitenin'- 


34     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

up  work  done.  The  'maid'  turned  out  to  be 
about  the  hombliest  specimen  of  a  muchly  mar- 
ried female  I  ever  laid  eyes  on,  and  a  curious 
fact  I'd  often  noticed  before  struck  me  with  re- 
newed force,  to  wit :  that  I  never  see  an  outra- 
geously ugly  woman  that  wa'n't  married  to 
something  at  least  once,  an'  mebby  a  time  or  two 
more.  Instead  of  tryin'  to  a  kitchin  apron  an' 
takin'  holt  at  onct,  she  spent  the  first  hour  tellin' 
me  how  she  had  bore  up  under  loosin'  a  choice 
collection  of  husbands  by  the  suicide,  divorce 
court,  and  other  routes ;  but  the  saddest  part  of 
her  monologue  was  that  her  last  husband  re- 
fused to  efface  hisself  by  any  of  the  aforesaid 
routes,  and  continued  to  eat  off  her  while  she 
'went  out.' 

"What  she  went  out  for  while  he  was  a  eatin' 
I  don't  know,  less  he  gulped  his  coffee,  or 
champed  his  victuals,  an'  made  her  nervous. 

"At  last  I  got  her  out  into  the  kitchen,  where 
your  'Uncle  was  introduced  to  her,  by  runnin' 
into  her  when  she  was  nearly  standin'  on  her 
head  tryin'  to  light  the  gas  range  by  puttin'  a 
match  clean  under  it,  instead  of  in  the  oven 
where  she  had  the  gas  turned  on.  He  was  car- 
ryin'  a  rockin'  chair  over  his  head  an'  the  mix- 


HIEED  GIELS  35 

up  was  something  awful,  especially  as  the  gas 
exploded  at  what  writers  call  the  '  psychological 
moment/  an'  come  nigh  burnin'  all  their  hair  off. 

"Your  Uncle  set  there  flat  on  the  floor  like's 
if  he'd  been  struck  dumb,  while  the  maid,  who 
was  busy  pullin'  off  scorched  hairs  from  her  eye- 
brows and  false  transformer  was  in  the  mean- 
time givin'  him  the  best  tongue-la  shin'  I  ever 
hear  a  man  take. 

"I  shut  off  the  gas,  an'  got  him  out  before  she 
struck  him,  an'  while  he  was  gettin'  his  breath 
an'  pullin'  off  burnt  whiskers,  I  tried  to  pacify 
him;  but  as  soon  as  he  could  get  his  breath  he 
broke  out.  '  Nice  old  wild  cat  you  Ve  landed  onto 
me,  hain't  you?  I'd  as  soon  go  into  that  savage 
lion's  cage  at  the  park  as  to  run  amuck  the  likes 

of  her  again.    I'll  have  the  next  hired  girl ' 

'Stop,'  says  I,'  ' she's  listenin',  an'  she  objects 
to  bein'  called  a  'hired  girl,'  she  calls  herself  a 
maid. ' 

"  'Made  in  Calif orny,'  jeered  your  Uncle, 

'self  crankin',  pure  brass '    'Hush,'  says  I, 

tryin'  to  stop  him,  'she  is  awful  easy  insulted, 
she  says  she  has  seen  better  days.'  'If  she  sees 
any  ones  worse,'  says  he,  interruptin'  me,  'I'll 
have  her  arrested,  woman  or  no  woman.' 


36     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOKNIA 

"When  we  went  back  into  the  kitchen,  in- 
stead of  gettin'  supper  we  found  her  pokin' 
'round  huntin'  up  all  the  bottles,  an'  emptyin' 
of  them  into  the  sink.  Your  Uncle  rescued  a  few 
doses  of  his  Peruna,  and  of  course  such  actions 
didn't  pour  any  oil  on  the  troubled  waters  be- 
twixt 'em.  I  tried  to  smooth  matters  over  by 
sayin'  mebby  she  was  sick  an'  lookin'  for  medi- 
cine, but  your  uncle  will  have  it  to  this  day  that 
she  was  lookin '  fur  licker.  She  said  it  was  about 
her  meal  time,  and  when  I  told  her  to  go  ahead 
an'  get  supper  she  looked  awful  surprised  and 
said  she  didn't  hire  out  to  cook,  an'  besides  her 
doctor  had  told  her  never  to  eat  her  own  cook- 
in'.  By  this  time  I  had  a  nervous  headache,  so 
I  went  upstairs  to  bed,  leavin'  her  an'  your 
Uncle  to  fight  it  out  between  'em. 

"From  what  your  Uncle  told  me,  an'  what  I 
see  myself  next  mornin',  she  must  a  dished  up 
a  terrible  mess  of  victuals.  After  he  eat  his 
supper  he  brought  me  up  some  of  her  biscuits, 
sayin':  'If  I  could  get  holt  of  the  recete, 
Phoebe,  from  which  them  biscuits  was  made, 
I'd  be  a  bloated  millionaire  before  the  month 
is  out.  I'd  sell  it  to  the  government  to  use  in 
the  war.  One  of  them  biscuits  dropped  from 


HIRED  GIRLS  37 

an  airship,  half  a  mile  up  in  the  sky,  would  crack 
a  skull  like  an  eggshell — jest  heft  'em,  if  you 
don't  believe  me.' 

"  'But,'  says  I,  'the  employment  agency  wo- 
man said  she  was  a  good  plain  cook.'  ' She's 
plain  enough,  all  right,'  observed  your  Uncle, 
interruptin'  me,  'but  as  fur  her  cookin',  I  could 
do  better  myself  with  my  hands  tied  behind  me. ' 

"When  I  told  her  next  mornin'  we'd  give  her 
two  dollars  if  she'd  go,  she  was  dreadful  mad, 
an'  said  she  knowed  there  was  goin'  to  be  trou- 
ble just  as  soon  as  she  see  the  look  that  come 
over  that  old  crank's  face  when  he  nearly  broke 
his  teeth  out  on  her  biscuits. 

"Well,  things  went  on  without  any  help  for 
a  few  days  and  then  I  picked  up  courage  and 
told  the  employment  agency  woman  to  send  out 
another  maid,  and,  Mandy,  as  sure  as  I  am  se-t 
tin'  here,  when  I  opened  the  door  an  hour  later 
there  stood  the  same  woman  I've  just  been 
tellin'  you  about.  She  looked  kind  of  dazed 
when  she  sees  me,  for  it  seems  she  thought  she 
was  goin'  to  another  place  and  got  the  address 
mixed.  When  I  told  her  there  had  been  some 
mistake  she  demanded  her  carfare  and  to  save 
trouble  I  give  it  to  her.  As  she  went  down  the 


38     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

steps  she  jerked  her  head  back  in  the  direction 
of  your  uncle,  who  was  pickin'  out  devil  grass 
in  the  yard,  and  said  she  knowed  she  had  seen 
that  old  crank  somewhere  before. 

"The  next  one  we  got  was  a  big,  raw-boned, 
jandiced  lookin'  oldish  woman  from  Missouri 
who  demanded  to  know  before  she  set  down,  if 
we  did  our  own  reachin'.  'Reachin'?  I  asked, 
puzzled  to  know  what  she  meant. '  Yes,  reachin', 
she  repeated,  'reachin'  fur  your  own  victuals  at 
the  table.  I  ain't  no  nigger,  an'  if  you  don't 
do  your  own  reachin'  I  go.' 

"She  was  of  a  pessimistic  dispositun,  an' 
used  to  threaten  suicide,  and  off  she  would  start 
fur  the  beach  sayin'  her  wages  was  in  a  stockin' 
under  her  bed  ready  for  the  coroner,  and  the 
water  was  a-callin'  her  again.  Your  uncle,  who 
didn't  take  much  stock  in  her  from  the  first, 
said  mebby  it  was,  for  her  neck  didn't  look  like 
it  had  seen  any;  water  sense  she  left  old  Mis- 
souri. 

"When  she  left,  your  uncle  put  his  foot  down 
on  any  more  middle-aged  female  maids,  so  we 
tried  a  young  English  girl,  six  weeks  from  old 
England,  whose  specialty  was  makin'  tea  in  the 
middle  of  the  afternoon  an'  grumblin'  at  the 


HIRED  GIELS  89 

4 beastly  American  ways.'  She  shocked  your  un- 
cle's patriotism  by  scornin'  everything  Ameri- 
can and  when  he  said,  'I  believe  you  would 
rather  kiss  King  George's  shoe  than  shake 
hands  with  our  President,'  she  looked  aston- 
ished and  said,  'Well,  I  rathah  foncy  I  would.' 

' i  Then  we  tried  a  Jap  boy,  and  when  he  went 
to  your  uncle  to  know  if  he  would  have  to  shave 
before  breakfast  and  serve  dinner  in  a  tuxedo 
coat,  your  uncle  told  him  he  could  wear  a  bathin- 
suit  and  Vandyke  beard  fur  all  he  cared,  if  he  'd 
only  cook  us  something  decent  to  eat.  The  Jap 
looked  at  him  curiously  and  lookin'  at  one  of 
the  books  one  day,  I  saw  he  had  written  down 
what  your  uncle  said,  under  a  headin'  of  'Cur- 
ious remarks  made  by  excentric  Americans  I 
have  met.' 

"Well,  we  lived  high  while  he  was  with  us, 
for  he  was  a  fine  cook,  but  he  made  me  nervous 
settin'  books  up  around  the  kitchin  an'  studyin' 
while  he  worked.  He  was  daffy  on  Sheakspear 
and  declaimed  Shylock  and  the  pound  of  flesh 
while  he  pounded  the  beefsteak,  and  ranted 
around  nights  in  his  bed-room  about  Hamlet's 
ghost  till  I  got  shivers  up  my  backbone,  and 
he  got  me  into  deep  water  tryin'  to  explain 


40     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

some  of  the  capers  them  women  cut  in  that  piece 
called  '  The  Merry  Wives  of  Windsor. ' 

"  When  he  left  us  we  sent  back  home  for  Tillie 
Johnson ;  then  I  had  a  good  rest  till  she  married 
the  Swede  milkman  three  weeks  after  her  ar- 
rival. She  hated  awful  bad  to  leave  us  and  said 
nothin'  but  Gus  would  ever  V  made  her  do  it. 

"She  was  about  $25  back  on  the  money  your 
uncle  advanced  fur  her  ticket,  the  amount  bein' 
made  up  by  Gus,  who  sheepishly  handed  me 
nearly  a  peck  basketful  of  milk  tickets  the 
morning  after  he  asked  her," 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  AEBIVAL 

SOME  STEANGE  AND  EXCITING  HAPPENINGS  AT  THE 
BEACH 

66  \  FTEE  Caliope  (Jampoeii  and  his  folks, 
^-\  who  moved  out  to  Watts  on  a  chicken 
ranch  from  Nebraska,  got  through 
visitin'  us,  we  was  so  tuckered  out  we  just  shut 
up  the  house  and  went  to  the  beach  for  a  good 
rest.  Yes,  your  Uncle  was  always  partial  to 
Long  Beach,  Mandy,  so  nothin'  would  do  but 
we  must  go  there.  Some  folks  don't  think  it 
sounds  so  stylish  to  say  you  are  at  that  beach, 
but  your  Uncle  Hiram  'lowed  he'd  ruther  be 
out  of  fashion  than  to  go  to  one  of  them  eclu- 
sive  places,  where  you  ain't  in  it  if  you  don't 
play  golf  an'  tennis,  an'  joy  ride,  an'  change 
your  clothes  three  times  a  day. 

"  'At  such  a  place,'  says  he,  'if  you  don't  do 
as  the  Romans  do,  you  are  apt  to  set  around 
mighty  lonesome,  while  at  Long  Beach  there's 
the  Pike  an'  things.' 

41 


42     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

"So  to  Long  Beach  we  went,  and  after  we 
got  there  nothin'  would  do  your  Uncle  but  the 
very  best  hotel  in  the  place,  an'  I  worked  'most 
as  hard  tryin'  to  keep  drest  up  as  I  would  if 
I'd  a'  stayed  at  home  an'  kept  house. 

"Your  Uncle  is  just  wild  over  seaweeds  an' 
ocean  water  an'  tides  an'  things,  so  one  mornin' 
when  I  was  settin'  comfortable  in  a  rocker  on 
the  west  porch  watchin'  the  sea  your  Uncle 
come  rushin'  out  with  a  writin'  pad  an'  a  sharp- 
ened pencil  in  his  hand  an'  said:  'Here  I've 
been  foolin'  round  fur  nearly  a  week,  an'  no  ode 
yet.' 

"  'Who  was  you  expectin'  one  from?'  said  I, 
not  catching  his  meanin'  at  once  an'  thinking 
mebby  he  meant  a  dun,  an'  he  answered  back  as 
cross  as  two  sticks: 

"  'Pheba,  sometimes  you  act  as  dense  as  a 
ticket  agent.  I  was  referrin'  to  an  ode  to  old 
ocean,  to  be  printed  in  the  poets'  corner  of  the 
Farmer's  Guide.  An'  now,  with  the  call  of  the 
sea  in  your  ears,  an'  the  smell  of  the  salt  air 
on  the  breezes,  a  man  ought  to  be  doin'  his  best 
work.  I  want  to  ketch  the  atmosphere  of  old 
ocean  at  close  range,  an'  make  this  deep  sea 
pome  reek  with  the  odor  of  seaweed,  an'  smack 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  ABEIVAL       43 

of  old  ocean  in  every  line.  I  feel  it  in  my  bones 
that  this  is  the  time  an'  the  place,  an'  I'm  the 
man  to  write  her.' 

"  'Well,'  says  I,  always  ready  to  beat  a  re- 
treat when  he  gits  one  of  them  writin'  fits  on, 
'111  go  to  my ' 

"  'No,  you  won't,'  says  he,  before  I  could  fin- 
ish. 'I  want  you  to  help  me  pick  out  a  meter. 
We'll  pick  out  several,  an'  use  the  one  that 
sounds  the  pomiest.' 

"So  I  settled  back  resigned-like  in  my  chair 
an'  said:  'The  gas  an'  water  meters  are  the 
only  ones  I  know  anything  about,'  an'  your 
Uncle  answered  back:  'Now,  don't  get  funny 
when  anything  as  serious  as  a  sea  pome  is  in 
the  makin'.' 

"  'I  ain't,'  I  answered,  tryin'  to  look  sober, 
'for  the  gas  meter  is  about  the  last  thing  I'd 
think  of  bein'  funny  about.' 

"  'Well,'  says  he,  'to  business;  put  on  your 
thinkin'  cap  an  'try  to  reckolict  a  rattlin'  good 
sea  pome  er  two. ' 

"Thus  put  to,  I  ransacked  my  brain  for  sea 
pome  meters,  but  bein'  a  native  of  a  prairie 
State  for  nearly  the  first  half  century  of  my 
life,  sea  poetry  was  about  the  last  branch  of 


44     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

literature  that  ever  appealed  to  me.  But  by  an' 
by  a  faint  glimmer  of  a  pome  that  used  to  be 
in  one  of  the  old  school  readers  come  floatin' 
back  on  the  wings  of  time,  an'  I  stammered  out : 
'  "  Break,  break,  break.  On  thy  cold  gray 
stones,  O  sea!"  ' 

"  'Good  enough!'  said  your  Uncle,  brighten- 
in'  up.  'Now  we  will  see  what  Hiram  Harris 
can  compose  along  them  lines  an'  meters.' 

"  'But,'  says  I,  doubtful  like,  'wouldn't  that 
be  copyin',  or  whatever ' 

"  'Plagarism,  I  suppose  you  mean,  madam,' 
says  he,  real  huffy  like;  'but  it's  the  words  you 
dassen't  steal,  not  the  meter.' 

"  'Not  even  a  gas  meter?'  I  asked,  an'  he 
growled  back:  'Cut  it  out  about  your  old  gas 
meter!  A  woman  would  risk  spoilin'  a  master- 
piece to  get  off  some  old  chestnutty  joke.  Now 
let's  see.' 

"After  scowlin'  at  the  ocean  as  if  'twas  the 
cause  of  all  his  trouble,  he  read: 

"  'Boom,  boom,  boom, 

All  day  goes  the  moanin'  sea, 

And  in  the  night  she's  a-moanin'  still — — ' 

"  'What  word  rhymes  with  sea! '  he  demand- 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  AKRIVAL       45 

ed.  'I  can't  finish  that  last  line  till  I  find  a 
word  to  match  sea.' 

" '  Why/  says  I,  *  there's  bee  an'  knee  an'  flea.' 

"But  he  shook  his  head,  sayin':  'Bee  an' 
knee  hain't  got  anythin'  to  do  with  this  pome; 
an'  if  I  was  to  mention  a  flea,  Long  Beach  would 
boycott  me  forever.  I'll  try  somethin*  with  a 
little  more  ginger  in  it,  like  that  "Life  Boat."  ' 

"Then  he  read:  'There's  Ocean  Park  an' 
Venice,  an'  Clifton-by-the-Sea.  But  old  Long 
Beach,  my  boy,  is  the  only  beach  for  me. ' 

"  'That  ain't  so  bad,'  says  I,  'but  why  don't 
you  make  your  own  meter?'  So  after  a-writin' 
a  while,  he  read: 

"  'I  love  to  set  on  Long  Beach  sand, 
While  softly,  softly  plays  the  band, 
For  while  the  band  does  softly  play 
In  fancy  I  am  far  away 
Till  evening  shadows  round  me  fall; 
'Tis  night ;  again  I  do  recall ; 
For  all  around  me  hungry  groups 
Say  to  Cafeteria  or  to  Schroopsf 
Here  you  can  lead  the  simple  life ; 
The  sea  breeze  lulls  all  envy,  strife, 
An'  life  at  last  is  free  from  trammels — 
Great  Scott,  Phebe,  here  come  the  Campbells !' 


46     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

"Sure  enough,  there  they  set  in  the  poultry 
wagon,  drawed  up  in  front  of  the  hotel,  an' 
Caliope  was  makin'  the  most  unearthly  noise  I 
ever  heard  by  usin'  his  two  fists,  like  a  mega- 
phone, an'  callin'  through  them  to  attract  at- 
tention. 

"A  bellboy  went  runnin'  out  to  see  what  on 
earth  was  the  matter,  an'  when  they  asked  for 
us,  he  must  have  asked  them  for  a  card;  any- 
way, he  come  huntin'  us,  carryin'  one  on  a  sil- 
ver platter.  The  card  was  about  six  inches  long, 
an'  told  all  about  the  prices  of  poultry  an'  set- 
tin'  eggs,  an'  how  to  get  there  by  takin'  the 
Watts  local.  Mrs.  Campbell's  name  was  printed 
in  big  letters  on  one  side  of  the  card  and  your 
Uncle  was  considerable  taken  back  when  he  see 
it,  believin'  as  he  does  in  wimmen's  spheres 
bein'  at  home,  and  so  on,  so  he  argued  about  it 
as  we  took  the  longest  way  round  the  hotel  to 
meet  'em,  sayin': 

"  'There  ought  to  be  a  law  makin'  it  a  mis- 
demeanor for  any  woman  to  belittle  a  livin'  hus- 
band by  printin'  her  name  on  a  bizness  card.  If 
this  here  "vote  for  women"  business  spreads 
any  further,'  says  he,  'Caliope  won't  dast  call 
his  head  his  own.  Mark  my  words,  Phebe,  he'll 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  AEEIVAL       47 

be  stayin'  at  home  doin'  dishes,  while  Mrs. 
Campbell  is  settin'  on  juries,  or  runnin'  for 
town  marshal,  an' ' 

"What  more  he  was  goin'  to  say  against  Mrs. 
Campbell  I  don't  know,  for  as  we  turned  a  cor- 
ner in  the  porch  we  come  on  to  Caliope,  who 
was  making  for  the  office  to  get  the  proprietor 
to  loan  him  a  bucket  to  water  the  mules  with. 

"Your  Uncle  was  so  mortified  he  almost 
dragged  Caliope  back  to  the  wagon,  promisin' 
to  show  him  a  good  waterin'  place  further  down 
the  street.  ' Caliope 's  that  green,'  says  he  to 
me  aside,  'it's  a  wonder  the  cows  don't  eat  'iin 
up  in  this  dry  country.' 

"In  the  meantime  the  word  had  gone  round 
the  hotel  that  the  Campbells  was  some  sort  of 
an  amusement  outfit  bound  for  the  Pike,  an'  sich 
grinnin'  an'  cranin'  of  necks  you  never  see. 

"The  twins  had  come  to  grief  by  this  time; 
they  tried  to  walk  the  iron  railin'  that  fenced 
in  the  hotel,  an'  tumbled  down  about  twenty  feet 
on  to  their  heads,  and  such  a  commotion  I  never 
heard. 

"Our  main  object  now  was  to  get  the  Camp- 
bells and  their  chicken  wagon,  which  was  paint- 
ed all  over  with  poultry  pictures,  away  from  the 


48     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

front  of  the  hotel,  where  the  folks  was  laughin* 
at  some  jokes  a  smarty  made  about  '  The  Chan- 
ticleers.' Mrs.  Campbell  wanted  to  go  with  me 
to  my  room  for  my  hat,  but  I  wouldn't  have  run 
the  gauntlet  of  them  folks  on  the  porch  for 
anything.  I  rode  down  the  street,  for  the  first 
time  in  my  life,  bareheaded. 

"They  didn't  attract  near  so  much  attention 
on  the  Pike,  for  there  you  see  all  kinds,  an '  your 
Uncle  was  so  relieved  at  gettin'  them  away  from 
the  hotel  that  he  treated  them  to  lemonade  an' 
cornecopas  with  a  lavish  hand.  I  felt  awful 
sorry  for  Caliope,  for  he  didn't  have  a  cent  to 
spend,  and  I  could  see  he  felt  bad  to  see  your 
Uncle  standin'  all  the  treats.  I  heard  him  plead 
with  her  like  a  beggar  for  jest  a  quarter,  but 
she  shut  up  her  little  pocketbook  with  a  snap, 
sayin'  for  him  to  use  the  quarter  he  took  out  of 
the  chicken  money  last  month. 

"  'Bout  noon  we  left  'em  at  a  cafeterry,  your 
Uncle  claimin'  he  had  to  go  back  an'  take  his 
bitters,  promisin'  to  meet  'em  in  front  of  the 
bath-house  on  the  Pike,  which  we  did. 

"We  found  Mrs.  Campbell  awful  excited  over 
somethin',  an'  when  she  got  over  her  mad  long 
enough  to  talk  without  chokin'  she  told  us  she 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  ARBIVAL       49 

bad  been  trapped,  robbed  or  held  up,  as  it  were, 
in  the  caf eterry  where  they  ate  their  lunch. 

"It  seemed,  from  her  story,  that  they  hadn't 
had  any  green  corn  on  the  cob  since  last  roast- 
in'  ear  time,  the  year  before,  in  Nebraska.  So 
when  they  see  green  corn  marked  ten  cents  on 
the  bill  of  fare  card,  an'  comin'  from  a  country 
where  corn  was  cheap,  they  naturally  thought 
it  meant  ten  cents  a  dozen,  instead  of  a  single 
ear.  So  they  ordered  eighteen  ears — five  apice 
for  Caliope  an'  Mrs.  Campbell,  an'  four  apiece 
for  the  twin  boys.  When  Mrs.  Campbell  see 
her  check  (one-eighty  for  corn,  an'  forty  cents 
for  the  rest)  she  nearly  had  hysterics  then  an' 
there,  an'  attracted  such  a  crowd  by  her  loud 
talk  that  a  policeman  had  to  clear  the  sidewalk 
in  front  of  the  caf  eterry. 

"Well,  she  paid  to  keep  from  bein'  arrested, 
an'  she's  got  it  figgered  out  that  at  that  rate  a 
bushel  of  corn  would  cost  ten  dollars.  The 
Campbells  used  to  be  poor,  but  now  that  they 
are  rich  she  can't  seem  to  get  over  bein'  as 
stingy  as  ever.  To  get  Mrs.  Campbell's  mind 
off  the  corn  episode,  your  Uncle  proposed  we 
go  up  an'  see  the  big  whale  in  the  Park  Library 
Museum.  Caliope  thought  your  Uncle  Hiram 


50     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

was  playin'  a  joke  on  him,  an'  wouldn't  be- 
lieve 'twas  the  bones  of  a  real  whale  fish  till  he 
called  on  several  strangers  to  make  affidavits  to 
the  fact. 

4  *  After  sizing  it  up  from  all  sides  an'  measur- 
in'  it  from  head  to  tail,  he  owned  up  he'd  never 
doubt  again  that  a  whale  could  swallow  a  man. 
'Yes,  siree,'  said  he,  gettin'  excited,  'such  a 
whale  could  swallow  ten  men,  an'  still  have  room 
to  let.' 

"After  seein'  all  the  sights  uptown,  we 
went  down  on  the  beach  again.  Mrs.  Campbell 
wouldn't  let  Caliope  have  the  price  of  a  bathin' 
suit,  so  he  took  off  his  shoes  an'  stockin's,  fixed 
his  trousers  up  so  they  wouldn't  get  wet,  an' 
waded  in  as  fur  as  he  dared.  I  don't  know 
whether  'twas  the  cold  water  or  eatin'  so  much 
green  corn,  or  what  give  Caliope  so  much  cour- 
age, for  usually  he  was  the  meekest  of  men ;  but 
all  to  once  he  made  up  his  mind  he  was  goin'  to 
ride  in  that  crazy  whirligig  they  call  a  spiral 
airship. 

"Mebby  there's  nuthin'  new  under  the  sun, 
but  that  airship  was  new  enough  fur  me,  swing- 
in'  folks  round  up  in  midair  at  the  rate  of  forty 
miles  a  minute.  Well,  your  Uncle  had  been 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  AEEIVAL       51 

threatenin*  to  ride  it  ever  sence  he  first  saw  it, 
an'  when  he  see  Caliope  was  goin'  he  said  aside 
to  me  that  if  such  a  weak-kneed,  hen-pecked 
specimen  of  humanity  as  Caliope  Campbell 
could  ride  the  spiral,  'twas  high  time  a  man  who 
was  a  man  among  men  got  a  move  on  himself. 

"Mrs.  Campbell  looked  on  in  stern  disap- 
proval when  she  saw  Caliope  was  bound  to  go. 
She  had  been  in  a  gloomy  mood  ever  since  the 
corn  episode,  an'  when  the  twins  nagged  to  go 
along  with  their  pa  she  cuffed  their  ears  till  a 
woman  who  wore  club  badges  said:  'The  hu- 
mane society  ought  to  be  informed.* 

"Your  Uncle  an'  Caliope  started  off  in  high 
good  humor,  jokin'  an'  shakin'  hands  all  round, 
an'  jesting  with  the  crowd  gathered  round  to 
see  'em  off. 

"All  at  once  Caliope  turned  pale  an'  come 
back  down  the  steps  to  where  me  an'  Mrs. 
Campbell  was  a-standin'.  He  had  forgot  to  ask 
her  fur  money  to  buy  his  ticket,  an'  was  scared 
to  death  for  fear  he  would  have  to  back  out 
goin'  before  all  the  crowd.  For  a  wonder  she 
give  it  to  him,  but  this  comin'  back  an'  forget- 
tin'  somethin'  meant  bad  luck,  an'  bein'  as  su- 
perstitious as  a  darky,  nothin'  would  do  her  but 


52     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

Caliope  must  set  down  an'  break  the  spell.  The 
fact  that  there  was  nuthin'  to  set  on  but  the 
sand  didn't  matter  to  her,  so  down  he  set  in 
front  of  all  that  jeering  crowd  before  he  got  his 
money. 

"Well,  my  heart  went  pit-a-pat  when  they 
clumb  up  into  their  seats,  and  it  nearly  scared 
me  stiff  when  it  swung  away  out  in  the  sky, 
goin'  higher  an'  higher,  an'  faster  an'  faster. 
Mrs.  Campbell,  who  see  it  work  for  the  first 
time,  was  roused  out  of  her  gloom  over  the  corn 
episode  at  last,  an'  called  on  'em  to  stop,  an' 
tried  to  climb  over  the  railin',  hollerin'  till  you 
could  hear  her  all  over  the  Pike :  'He'll  be  kilt ! 
He'll  be  kilt!  Oh,  Caliope,  if  I  only  had  you 
back!  He's  the  best  man  alive!7 

"I  was  wrought  up,  too,  an'  I  said:  'Yes, 
Hiram  Harrison  is  a  good  man.' 

"Who's  talkin'  about  that  little  peppery 
whiffet  ?  Caliope 's  got  the  disposition  of  a  lamb 
'longside  of  him/ 

"Then  all  at  once  some  one  shouted:  'Some- 
thing's broke,  and  them  men  are  liable  to  tum- 
ble down  any  minute ! ' 

"An,  sure  enough,  that  airship  was  caught  up 
there  in  the  sky,  an'  would  neither  come  nor  go, 


THE  CAMPBELLS'  AEEIVAL       53 

an'  your  Uncle  and  Caliope  was  prisoners  in 
that  scary-lookin'  thing  that  might  dash  'em  to 
pieces  any  second.  They  wasn  't  killed,  but  they 
had  to  stay  up  there  for  hours,  till  a  mechanic 
from  Los  Angeles  come  down  an'  tinkered  it  up. 

"Your  Uncle  told  me  afterwards  that  a  curi- 
ous change  come  over  Caliope  while  they  hung 
up  there  between  heaven  an'  earth.  All  at  once 
he  set  up  straight,  drew  a  long  breath,  an'  with 
shinin'  eyes  said: 

"  'Harrison,  for  the  first  time  in  years  I  see 
clear.  Yes,  sir,'  says  he,  'it  seems  like's  if  I've 
been  in  a  long  sleep,  an'  my  life  unrolled  before 
me  seems  like  a  dream.  From  this  minut  for- 
'ard  I'm  a  free  man — I've  turned  a  new  leaf, 
an'  by  gum  she's  a-goin'  to  stay  turned!  I've 
been  a  weak-kneed  fool,  an'  from  this  time  for- 
'ard  I  boss  my  own  house  er  know  the  reason 
why!  Incidentally,  I've  begged  that  woman 
that's  carryin'  on  down  there  about  me  fur 
money  fur  the  last  time,  so  help  me  cornecopa. 
She's  been  bit  with  the  money-makin'  microbe, 
an'  brags  'bout  how  she's  goin'  to  run  things 
since  women  vote  in  California.  But  I  see  clear 
once  more, '  says  he.  *  This  rarified  air  has  made 
a  man  of  me  again,  an'  I'll  tell  you  what  I  allow 


54     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

to  do :  I'm  goin'  to  sell  part  of  my  land  an9  buy 
me  a  house  as  close  to  the  beach  as  I  kin,  an' 
carryin'  my  own  pocketbook  I'm  a-goin'  to 
march  up  an'  down  that  Pike  seein'  movin'  pic- 
ture shows,  an'  drinkin'  lemonade,  an'  eatin' 
wineworst  sandwiches  to  my  heart's  content. 
My  family's  got  to  dress  right,  an'  we'll  get  an 
auto,  and  a  fine  piano  and  live  up  to  date  like 
other  folks  who  have  money.  No  more  beggin' 
quarters  an'  raising  chickens  fur  me.  I've  had 
a  vision,  Harrison.  Shake ! ' 

"Well,  to  humor  him,  your  Uncle  shook, 
thinkin'  the  whirlin'  or  the  root  beer,  or  some- 
thin',  had  gone  to  his  head.  But  the  funniest 
part  of  it  is,  Mandy,  that  Caliope  done  every- 
thing he  said  he  would  while  settin'  up  in  the 
sky  in  that  flyin'  machine;  an'  Mrs.  Campbell 
is  as  meek  as  a  lamb,  an'  joined  the  anti-suffra- 
gettes, an'  is  that  proud  of  Caliope  she  nearly 
busts." 


ANSWEEING  LETTEES  FEOM  BACK 
HOME 

£  {  y^^v  NE  of  the  troublesome  things  'bout 
If  livin'   in   Calif  orny,   Mandy,"   said 
Aunt  Phoebe  Harrison,  "is  how  to 
answer  letters  from  folks  back  home,  wanting  to 
know  about  things  out  here,  an'  askin'  for  ad- 
vice which  they  never  take. 

"Your  Uncle  got  this  sort  of  a  letter  from  old 
Mr.  Hillderbrantder,  wantin'  to  know  all  sorts 
of  things,  an'  it  took  him  a  whole  day  to  answer 
it,  so  as  to  tell  the  truth  an'  not  give  Calif  orny  a 
black  eye  at  the  same  time.  The  letter  read : 

"  'MISTER  HIE  AM  HARRISON:  Knowin'  you  to 
be  a  truthful  man  ('cept  'round  'lection  time) 
me  and  some  of  your  other  former  nabers, 
searchin'  fur  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  an' 
nothin'  short  of  the  truth,  'bout  Calif  orny,  here- 
by subscribe  our  hand,  and  seals,  to  a  kind  of  a 

55 


56     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

round  robin  letter  to  ask  you  a  few  pertinent 
questions,  regardin'  the  aforesaid  country. 

"  'In  the  first  place,  we  are  inturrested  in 
Eeal  Estate,  both  town  an'  country.  I  have  a 
chanct  to  sell  my  home  in  Grainville,  consistin' 
of  house,  a  acre  of  ground,  corn  cribs,  cow  pens 
and  cyclone  cellur,  fur  a  thousand  dollers.  This 
place  is  only  two  blocks  frum  the  court  house 
square,  an'  I  wanta  know  if  I  kin  get  holt  of 
sich  a  piece,  that  nigh  your  court  house  square 
fur  the  same  money.  My  son  has  a  offer  on  his 
quarter  section  a  mile  and  a  half  frum  the  court 
house  square,  of  seventy-five  dollers  per  acre. 
Could  he  git  holt  of  a  good  payin'  orange  grove, 
that  distance  frum  yore  court  house  for  the 
same  price  or  a  leetle  less? 

"  'Some  goin'  to  Calif orny  are  thinkin'  of 
tryin'  the  chicken  bizness.  Which  is  the  most 
popular  in  that  country — incubated  er  henned 
chickens  ? 

"  'Did  the  eggs  Miss  Campbell  toted  through 
by  hand  ever  hatch?  "What  is  the  length  of 
ropes  allowed  fur  larrietin'  out  cows  in  Los 
Angeles? 

"  'A  Chamber  of  Commerce  book  from  Pasa- 
dena I  got  holt  of  said  a  man  could  make  a  livin' 


ANSWERING  LETTERS  57 

on  a  acre  out  there.  A  acre  of  what?  Do  they 
burn  corn  or  wood  out  there? 

6  i  t  Caliope  Campbell  wrote  back  to  his  wife 's 
pap  that  he  hadn't  any  use  fur  the  follerin'  ar- 
ticles he  took  along :  artick  shoes,  buffalo  robe, 
corn  sheller,  sled,  ear  mufflers,  and  big  barl  to 
scald  hogs  in. 

"  'I  kin  easy  understand,  how  as  Los  Angeles 
is  in  the  Tropified  belt,  you  might  do  without  all 
the  artickles  annumerated,  'cept  the  barl  fur 
scaldin'  hogs  in.  How  in  creation  you  git  the 
hair  off  the  hogs  'thout  a-scaldin'  of  'em  is  past 
me. 

"  'Do  you  have  to  git  out  a  permit  to  bild  a 
corn  crib  in  the  city  limits'?  This  town  is  all 
split  up  over  a  story  Mayor  Thorndyke  told 
when  he  got  back  frum  tourin'  Calif orny.  He 
claimed  he  see  with  his  own  eyes  a  missionary 
nearly  two  hundred  years  old.  Now  what  do 
you  know  about  that?  The  Mayor  has  allus  bin 
considered  a  truthful  man,  but  he's  tellin'  some 
queer  yarns  sence  he  toured  the  West,  an'  if  he 
sticks  to  this  yarn,  it  looks  like  he'd  haf  to  hand 
in  his  resignation,  which  is  all  made  out  an' 
ready. 

"  'It  hain't  for  me  to  mention  names,  but  I 


58     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

know  of  a  party  that's  a  much  fitener  man  fur 
the  office  if  I'd  except. 

"  'Comin'  down  frum  polatecks  to  love  af- 
fairs, the  Widder  Whipplegate  has  had  an  idee 
in  her  head  fur  some  time  that  she  had  rumatiz 
in  her  left  knee  j'int,  an*  now  she's  trompin' 
round  claimin'  it's  in  both  knees,  an'  no  thin' 
short  of  being  jounced  out  to  Calif orny  on  the 
cars  will  cure  it.  Her  childer  thinks  it's  all  put 
on,  fur  when  the  elefant  got  loose  at  the  circus 
th'  other  day,  she  was  home  an'  in  the  cyclone 
celler  before  the  rest  of  the  folks  reached  the 
front  gate.  Be  that  as  it  may,  she's  got  the  Cal- 
if orny  bee  in  her  bunnit,  an'  has  had  ever  sense 
she  'herited  them  thousand  dollers  from  her 
pap.  What's  hurtin'  the  childer  is  that  they 
have  heard  a  widow  who  as  'erited  a  thousand 
dollers  hain't  safe  in  Calif  orny  from  fortin'- 
huntin'  husbands.  Mary  Jane  Whipplegate 's 
that  homebly  that  one  would  think  she  might  be 
safe  in  Timbucktoo,  but  you  can't  allus  tell. 
Some  men  prefur  a  wife  they  don't  have  to  lose 
any  sleep  jealosin'  about;  an'  besides  there's 
them  thousend  dollers  she's  just  'herited.  I 
hain't  mentionin'  no  names,  but  there's  a  stiddy 
widerer  with  a  house  and  a  acre  of  Ian',  etc., 


ANSWERING  LETTERS  59 

who's  offered  hisself,  but  she  says  the  novilty's 
all  wore  off  Nebraska  husbands  fur  her;  she's 
got  the  Calif  orny  husband  bee  in  her  bunnit  bad, 
an'  like  as  not  she'll  land  him,  fur  Mary  Jane's 
a  master  hand  at  landin'  what  she  goes  after. 
If  all  they  say  about  men  marryin'  fur  money 
in  Calif  orny  is  true,  a  good  stiddy  widerer  with 
a  house,  an'  lot,  in  Nebraska,  might  do  a  little 
bizness  in  that  line  hisself.  Mary  Jane  has  got 
holt  of  a  Nebraska  Society's  book  that  gives  all 
the  names  an '  addresses  of  former  Nebraskans. 
Now  what  she  lays  out  to  do  is  to  visit  all  her 
old  nabers  a  week  er  jest  as  long  as  they  will 
let  'er  stick  'round.  Then  she  counts  on  a  few 
days  with  ever 'one  frum  her  county,  an'  a  meal 
er  two  frum  folks  frum  any  old  place  in  the 
State.  In  this  way  she  expects  to  cut  down  her 
board  bill  considerbil. 

"  'What's  the  outlook  fur  office  in  Los  An- 
geles fur  a  seasoned  Republican  that  never  run 
fur  office  but  twice,  an'  never  was  beat  but  twice, 
except  that  last  time  when  I  was  beat  by  a  Pop, 
which  didn't  count! 

' '  *  What 's  the  age  limit  f  I  've  got  some  crack- 
in'  good  idees  'bout  runnin'  a  town  if  I  only  had 
a  chanct  to  work  'em  out.  Did  gettin'  the  ballet 


60     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOKNIA 

make  the  wimen  run  up  bigger  store  bills  than 
usual?  Is  there  any  truth  in  the  report  that 
there's  somethin'  in  the  Calif orny  climate  that 
makes  wimin  wanta  gad  all  the  time?  Your  an- 
swer will  of  course  be  treated  confidential,  fur 
I  hain't  one  to  raise  fambly  disturbances;  the 
rest  of  your  letter  may  be  used  fur  publication 
— see? 

"  '  Please  anser  as  soon  as  you  kin,  fur  it  may 
save  me  layin'  in  my  winter  flannils  an'  fuel. 

"  'JACOB  HlLLDEKBKANTEB  AND  OTHERS.' 

"Well,  your  Uncle  set  about  answerin'  this 
letter  early  next  mornin'  an'  worked  on  it,  with- 
out hardly  gittin'  up  from  his  desk  all  day. 
'Twas  a  long  day  to  me  as  well  as  him.  I'll 
wager  that  he  tore  up  twenty  commencements 
and  half  a  dozen  finished  letters  before  he  got 
one  to  suit. 

"He'd  read  'em  out  loud  to  me,  an'  if  I  said 
it  was  all  right,  he'd  fly  all  to  pieces,  an'  say  I 
didn't  take  any  interest  or  care  what  sort  of  an 
epistle  come  out  in  the  paper  above  his  name. 
An'  if  I  criticized  it  he'd  say  I  never  could  see 
anything  smart  about  anything  that  come  frum 
Ms  pen. 


ANSWEEING  LETTERS  61 

66  'The  editor  always  fixes  it  up,'  says  I,  'an' 
mebby  it  won't  be  printed  anyway,'  but  lie  an- 
swered back  as  mad  as  a  hornit:  'Name  the  oc- 
casun,  Madam,  when  Hiram  Harrison,  Esq.,  ever 
was  handed  a  lemin  in  the  form  of  a  rejection 
slip  from  an  Editor;  but  a  prophit  is  not  'thout 
honer  'cept  with  his  own  wife. ' 

"Well,  we  fussed,  off  an'  on,  all  day  'bout 
Jake  Hillderbranter's  old  letter,  but  toward 
night  he  decided  on  this: 

' '  '  ME.  JACOB  HILLDEEBEANTEE  AND  OTHEES  :  I 
take  my  pen  in  hand  to  answer  your  questins, 
both  pertinent  an'  impertinent,  to  this  country. 
But  before  I  go  a  step  further  I  want  it  under- 
stood here  an'  now  that  I  am  for  Calif orny — 
first,  last  an'  all  the  time,  an'  everybody  out  here 
is  in  the  same  fix. 

fi  'Folks  out  here  are  so  in  love  with  the  coun- 
try they  jest  naturally  hate  to  spare  the  time  it 
takes  to  tour  other  countries.  The  fact  is  when 
you've  seen  Calif  orny  you've  seen  it  all,  an'  it's 
kind  of  embarrissing  to  have  to  tell  folks  in 
other  parts,  over  an'  over  again  when  they  are 
tryin'  to  show  off  their  country,  "I've  seen  that 
in  Calif  orny — I've  seen  that  in  Calif  orny." 


62     UNCLE  HIRAM.  IN  CALIFORNIA 

One  womin  told  me  when  she  come  home  f rum  a 
visit  to  New  York  that  the  only  thing  she  see 
back  there,  that  she  hadn't  seen  in  Calif orny, 
was  good-lookin'  men,  an'  of  course  she  was  a- 
jokin'  about  them.  A  couple  tried  for  a  year  to 
find  a  time  between  seasons  to  slip  back  East  on 
a  visit  without  incountering  a  cyclone  or  a  bliz- 
zard, but  they  had  to  give  it  up;  not  that  I'm 
insinuating  anything  against  your  country,  for 
she's  got  her  good  points. 

"  '  Incubated  chickens,  they  are  all  the  rage 
out  here;  in  fact,  settin'  is  almost  a  lost  art 
amongst  the  Californy  hens.  A  poulterman 
f  rum  over  Pasadena  way  told  me  had  had  a  pen 
made  and  shut  up  his  hens  when  they  showed 
signs  of  settin',  and  he  tells  me  that  they  are 
so  well  trained  that  they  come  up  of  their  own 
accord  to  be  shut  up,  jest  as  soon  as  they  hear 
theirselves  a-clucking. 

"  'Of  course,  Miss  Campbell's  eggs  she  toted 
through  by  hand  hatched — sure,  personly  I  don't 
like  her,  but  bein'  a  just  man  I  must  admit 
she's  a  master  hand  at  poultry,  an'  can  hatch 
out  anything  short  of  a  hard-boiled  egg. 

"  'Yes,  there's  sich  a  thing  as  milk-fed  chick- 


ANSWERING  LETTERS  63 

ens,  though  how  they  manage  it  with  milk  15 
cents  a  quart  an'  soarin'  I  don't  know. 

"  'As  for  makin'  a  livin'  on  a  acre  I  dunno;  I 
reckon  it  all  depends  on  what  you  call  a  livin'. 
A  man  I  know  is  tryin'  it,  an'  sells  everything 
he  raises  and  buys  olive  oil  and  breakfast  feed. 
He  argues  with  me  thet  a  man  livin'  on  sich  a 
diet  might  live  to  a  great  old  age.  "Sure  he 
might,"  I  answered,  "but  who'd  want  to?"  and 
he  snapped  back  that  "there's  none  as  blind  as 
them  that  won't  see,"  an'  I  come  back  at  him, 
sayin',  "thet  there's  none  so  hungry  as  them 
that  don't  gitt  enough  to  eat."  Mebby  I'm 
wrong,  but  the  folks  that  are  makin'  good  livin's 
off  an  acre  of  ground  are  mostly  rich  cranks 
whose  stummicks  has  gone  back  on  'em. 

"  'I  will  pass  on  to  the  Mayor.  I  think  I  can 
straiten  out  that  little  misunderstandin'  you  are 
havin'  by  sayin'  he  likely  meant  Mission  instead 
of  Missionary;  or  a  building  instead  of  a  man. 

"  'As  for  Mary  Jane  Whipplegate,  the  only 
thing  to  do  is  to  let  'er  come — one  woman  more, 
er  less,  don't  count  out  here  where  the  coun- 
try's alive  with  'em.  One  man  told  me  when  he 
bought  the  lease  to  a  roomin'  house  here,  he 
fell  heir  to  twenty-eight  lone  wimin  along  with 


64     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

the  good- will  of  the  place.  So  let  'er  come  an' 
join  'em,  an'  marry  if  she  will,  and  her  husband 
won't  be  the  first  man  that's  banked  his  wife's 
money.  Mary  Jane's  a  good-hearted  woman, 
and  she  wouldn't  be  so  bad-lookin'  when  she 
fixed  up,  if  she  wa'n't  so  blamed  ugly.  But 
ugly  won't  keep  her  frum  marryin'. 

"  'As  fer  your  political  asperations,  the  biz- 
ness  is  overdone  out  here  now,  and  as  a  friend 
I'd  advise  you  to  forgit  it  and  cut  it  out. 

"  'As  for  the  age  limit,  anything  under  a  hun- 
dred goes  out  here.  I  hain't  pursonly  acquaint- 
ed with  the  city  fathers,  but  I  see  a  bunch  of 
'em  once,  years  ago,  a-ridin'  round  in  a  carriage 
in  a  Fiesta  parade,  wearin*  plug  hats  an'  white 
vests,  an'  prancin'  around  (the  horses,  I  mean) 
as  big  as  cuffy.  I  tho't  at  first  'twas  some  sort 
of  a  tableau  entry,  representin'  "Age  Before 
Beauty,"  er  somethin'.  I  ask  a  man  who  stood 
on  the  curb  with  me  what  sort  of  an  entry  it 
was,  an'  he  said  they  was  the  political  bosses  of 
the  city. 

"  'In  concludin'  this  letter,  I  want  to  say  a 
word  to  the  tired,  an'  retired,  business  men  an' 
farmers  who  have  made  their  pile  an'  come  to 
Calif orny  to  live:  this  retired  business  hain't 


ANSWERING  LETTERS  65 

what  it's  cracked  up  to  be,  an'  I'd  advise  every 
man  who  can  walk  a  block  to  git  himself  into 
some  kind  of  a  job  even  if  he  loses  money  hold- 
in'  it  down.  There  was  a  time  not  very  far 
back  when  Hiram  Harrison,  Esquire,  being  ac- 
tively ingaged  in  helpin'  to  shape  the  business 
affairs  of  his  community,  was  a  man  amongst 
men;  but  out  here,  the  best  he  can  say  of  his- 
self  (an'  there's  a  lot  of  other  fellers  in  the 
same  boat)  is  that  he  is  a  man  amongst  wimin. 

"  *  There's  a  small  army  of  men,  moseyin' 
round  in  Calif orny  (havin'  done  all  the  sights) 
that  was  men  of  affairs  back  home,  who  have  de- 
generated into  machines  for  pickin'  weeds  out 
in  the  lawn,  an'  interferin'  with  what's  goin'  on 
in  the  kitchen.  Them  that  hain't  doin'  that  are 
scuddin'  'round,  carrying  paper  bags  from  a 
delicatessence  store  to  an  apartment  house,  with 
a  sheepish  look  on  their  once  open  countenances. 

"  *A  naber  of  ours  from  back  there,  who  was 
a  prominent  man  an'  shipped  train  loads  of 
grain  an'  stock  to  Chicago  every  year,  found 
time  hangin'  so  heavy  on  his  hands  (not  being 
eligible  to  join  a  woman's  club)  that  he  was 
nearly  tickled  to  death  when  Monday  come 
around  and  he  could  turn  the  ringer  an'  washin' 


66     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

machine  for  the  hired  girl  and  feel  hisself  of 
some  use  once  more  to  his  fellow  men.  Wednes- 
day was  a  red-letter  day  too  for  him,  as  he  got 
the  three  county  papers;  but  the  rest  of  the 
week — oh,  my!  With  the  wimin  it's  so  differ- 
ent. I  never  see  a  woman  that  didn't  take  to 
Calif orny  like  a  duck  to  water.  It's  amazin'  the 
places  she  can  find  to  go  to,  an'  betwixt  times 
she  trots  from  one  department  store  to  another 
wonderin'  how  she'd  look  in  every  bloomin'  hat 
an'  dress  she  sees  in  the  store  windows. 

"  'As  for  the  wimin  running  up  bigger  store 
bills  on  their  husbands  since  they  have  the  Suff- 
rage I  can't  say,  but  I  do  know  that  the  men 
who  had  a  sneaking  notion  that  if  they  got  them 
interested  in  politics  they  would  be  so  carried 
away  with  it  that  they  would  forget  that  fhe 
Spring  styles  was  in,  was  mightily  disappoint- 
ed; and  to  be  fair  all  around,  them  anti's  who 
predicted  that  the  mixing  a  mess  of  biscuits 
would  be  a  lost  art  if  the  wimin  was  allowed  to 
go  to  the  polls  had  another  guess  coming. 

"  'In  fact,  my  wife  celebrated  the  day  she  cast 
her  first  vote  by  getting  up  the  tastiest  little 
supper  for  me  after  coming  home  from  the  polls 
I'd  tasted  in  many  a  day. 


ANSWEEING  LETTEES  67 

"  'As  for  the  wimin  being  on  the  go  all  the 
time,  it's  no  use  denyin'  a  fact.  The  tourist  who 
said  he  didn't  half  get  to  see  Los  Angeles  for 
looking  at  the  women  told  the  truth.  But  what 
are  you  going  to  do  about  it? 

"  'One  man  locked  his  wife  up  in  the  house 
and  got  put  in  jail  for  his  smartness,  so  there's 
nothing  to  do  but  let  them  run  themselves  down 
like  an  eight-day  clock  and  blame  it — like  they 
do  everything  else  out  here — onto  the  climate. 

"  'As  for  the  climate,  I've  lived  in  Calif orny 
too  long  to  commit  myself.  Come  and  try  it  for 
yourselves. 

"  'If  this  letter  is  too  short  I  will  come  again. 

*'  'HiBAM  HABEISON.' 


SAN  DIEGO 

(  fT  Tt  T  ELL,  if  you  want  to  hear  about  our 
y  y  trip  to  the  San  Diego  Exposition, 
Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Phoebe  Har- 
rison, "I  may  as  well  commence  at  the  very  be- 
ginning. 

"For  weeks  before  the  opening  I'd  worked 
and  planned  to  have  everything  ready  and  in 
apple-pie  order  'gainst  the  opening  day,  and  in 
fancy  I  saw  myself  seated,  comfortably  early, 
in  the  observation  car,  chatting  with  your  Uncle 
or  mebby  answering  the  questions  of  some  curi- 
ous tourist,  'Seeing  California'  for  the  first 
time,  and  enjoying  the  sights  and  scenes  to  my 
heart's  content. 

"But,  my!  things  never  turn  out  like  you  ex- 
pect, and  if  I'd  taken  a  sudden  notion  to  go  to 
the  Exposition  the  day  before  it  opened,  I'd 
have  been  just  as  well  off. 

68 


SAN  DIEGO  69 

"The  first  in  the  train  of  mishaps  was  the 
tailor  shop  burning  up  your  Uncle's  new  suit, 
and  he  nearly  drove  me  wild  fixin'  up  his  old 
one;  then  the  woman  who  was  going  to  take 
care  of  my  angora  cat  took  a  sudden  notion,  the 
last  minute,  to  go  herself,  and  I  had  to  bother 
with  that,  and  to  cap  the  climax,  our  auto  had 
an  accident  and  we  had  to  change  bag  and  bag- 
gage into  a  jitney  bus,  where  a  ten-year-old  boy 
wiped  his  muddy  feet  on  my  new  tailor  suit  and 
almost  ruined  it ;  so  when  I  finally  climbed  into 
the  car  it  didn't  improve  my  temper  to  find  a 
big,  good-natured-lookin'  man  about  forty-five 
years  old  occupyin'  my  seat.  We  told  him,  as 
polite  as  we  could,  that  the  seat  was  mine,  along 
side  your  Uncle 's,  but  he  said  he  'd  been  warned 
before  leaving  home  that  he'd  have  to  learn  to 
hold  his  own  while  touring  California,  and  he 
didn't  propose  bein'  done  out  of  the  two  dol- 
lars he'd  just  paid  a  young  fellow  wearin'  a 
blue  cap  for  a  seat  on  the  ocean  side  of  the 
car. 

"Your  Uncle  told  him  he'd  been  *  worked,' 
but  he  answered  back  that  he'd  come  clear  from 
Illynoise  to  see  the  ocean,  and  he  was  satisfied, 
providin'  the  ocean  showed  up  and  dashed 


70     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

ocean  water  against  the  window  panes  like  the 
fellow  said  it  would. 

"A  gentleman,  hearin'  the  argument,  got  up 
and  offered  me  his  seat,  saying  he  was  going 
back  into  the  smokin'  car  for  an  hour  or  so; 
and  I  went  back  and  set  in  his  seat  till  the  con- 
ductor came  for  our  tickets.  Then  your  Uncle 
set  down  with  the  man  from  Illinois,  who  asked : 

"  'Goin'  to  San  Diego,  I  reckon?' 

"  'I  am,'  answered  your  Uncle  shortly. 

"  'Do  you  know,'  he  observed,  squarin'  him- 
self around  more  comfortable-like  for  a  talk, 
'this  California  Exposition  business  is  consid- 
ered a  big  joke  in  the  East?' 

"Your  Uncle  was  so  taken  back  that  he  near- 
ly choked  before  he  answered:  'Well,  all  I've 
got  to  say  is,  that  any  man  who  can  look  upon 
the  beauties  of  nature  and  art,  as  blent  to- 
gether at  the  Exposition,  and  call  it  a  joke  has 
about  as  much  humor  as  a  mule.' 

"The  man  from  Illynoise  looked  at  your 
Uncle  in  surprised  amazement,  and  continued : 

"  'You  don't  mean  to  say,  stranger,  that  this 
little  side  show  could  hold  a  candle  to  the  Chi- 
cago fair,  do  you?' 

"  'Not  in  size,  mebby,'  argued  your  Uncle; 


SAN  DIEGO  71 

'a  Cecil  Bruner  rose  hain't  in  it  in  size  when 
compared  to  a  cabbage  rose,  but  there's  lots  of 
folks  who  like  the  Cecil  Bruner  best.' 

"  'Oh,  well,'  said  the  man  patronizingly, 
'you're  young  yet.  Now  Chicago's  different. 
I  belong  to  one  of  the  F.  F.  of  C.  myself.' 

"  'What's  that— a  lodge?' 

"  'No,  it  means  First  Families  of  Chicago. 
My  grandfather  hunted  rabbits  on  State  Street 
and  our  meat  market  sign  had  read  "SMIDTH 
&  SONS"  for  four  generations.  I  was  born 
durin'  the  Chicago  fire.  Some  record,  that! 
Our  meat  market  had  the  honor  of  butcherin' 
the  cow  that  kicked  over  the  lamp  that  started 
the  big  blaze.  Got  her  horns  mounted  on  vel^ 
vet,  and  goin'  to  hand  'em  down  as  heirlooms. 
Now  if  you  Calif  ornians  had  had  such  a  noted 
cow,  her  horns  would  'a'  been  on  sale  at  every 
curio  store  from  San  Francisco  to  San  Diego.' 

"  'What!  I  thought  the  cow  was  lost  in  the 
fire,'  said  your  Uncle. 

"'Not  on  your  life!'  answered  the  man. 
'Ever  know  a  cow,  or  a  woman  either,  for  that 
matter,  that  let  loose  and  kicked  up  a  row  and 
got  a  lot  of  folks  into  trouble,  ever  gettin'  a 
scratch  herself?' 


72     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"Before  your  Uncle  could  answer  this  dis- 
paragin'  remark  on  womenkind,  he  continued: 
'I  guess  they  tell  the  tourists  out  here  some 
pretty  big  whoppers.  Now  this  young  fellow 
who  sold  me  this  seat  on  the  ocean  side  of  this 
car  said  somewhere 's  down  betwixt  here  and 
San  Diego  I'd  see  an  old  missionary  called  Cap 
— somethin'  or  other — who  was  nearly  two  hun- 
dred years  old.  Must  be  an  Indian  or  Mexican 
or  something.  Guess  he  was  stringin'  me.  I 
don't  believe  any  man  ever  lived  that  long.' 

"Your  Uncle  laughed. 

"  ' What's  the  sell!'  asked  the  man  from  II- 
lynoise,  lookin'  puzzled. 

"  'Oh,  nothing,'  answered  your  Uncle,  'only 
he  meant  a  building,  not  a  man.  The  Mission 
Capistrano  is  one  of  the  oldest  missions  in  Cal- 
ifornia. "We  have  sure  got  Chicago  beat  on  an- 
cient history  a  few  years.' 

"  'That's  it,'  said  the  man;  'everything  out 
here  is  either  old  or  new,  big  or  little. ' 

"Just  then  I  come  across  the  aisle  to  speak 
to  your  Uncle,  and  the  man,  lookin'  me  over, 
continued :  '  Even  your  women  seem  to  run  odd 
sizes.  You  have  some  of  the  runtiest  women 
and  some  of  the  biggest  women  extant.' 


SAN  DIEGO  73 

"He  kept  on  lookin'  at  me  again;  I  was  dis- 
gusted, and,  turnin'  on  my  heel,  I  walked  with 
what  dignity  I  could,  considerin'  the  train  was 
roundin '  a  curve,  back  to  my  seat.  What  more 
he  had  to  say  about  the  California  women  was 
cut  short  by  the  conductor,  and  I  was  soon 
seated  by  your  Uncle  on  the  ocean-side  of  the 
car,  enjoyin'  my  trip  at  last. 

"On  arrivin'  at  the  grounds,  history  repeat- 
ed itself,  for  me  and  your  Uncle  commenced 
thrashin'  over  old  straw  by  arguin'  about  which 
building  we  would  see  first,  just  the  same  as  we 
argued  at  every  Exposition  we  ever  attended. 
We  compromised  by  his  going  with  me  to  the 
California  Building.  We  registered  and  paid 
our  respects  to  the  managers,  and  then  your 
Uncle  left  me,  saying : 

"  'You  look  around  amongst  the  things  that 
interest  wimen,  while  I  run  over  and  see  the 
machines.  Now,  Phoebe,'  says  he,  'you  stand 
right  in  front  of  them  folks  who  are  demon- 
stratin'  that  salad  dressin'  right  in  front  of  the 
post,  so's  I  can  see  you  from  the  door.  I'll  be 
back  in  half  an  hour.7 

"Half  an  hour  later  I  come  and  stood  in  front 
of  the  post ;  then  I  wandered  'round  again ;  fif- 


74     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

teen  minutes  later  I  stood  in  front  of  the  post 
again  and  every  ten  minutes  for  two  hours,  I 
stood  there  lookin'  for  your  Uncle.  People  be- 
gan to  look  askance  at  me.  I  heard  one  woman 
say,  if  she  likes  salad  dressin'  that  well,  she'd 
buy  a  bottle  and  be  done  with  it. 

"An  old  man  walked  clear  'round  me,  eyin' 
me  curiously,  and  then  remarked  to  his  wife, 
who  was  hard  of  hearin'  that  he  thought  mebby 
I  was  carryin'  some  sort  of  an  advertisement 
on  my  back.  I  was  so  mortified  that  I  could 
hardly  keep  back  the  tears,  but  I  dassent  leave 
for  fear  we  'd  get  lost  from  each  other. 

"Then  I  got  to  thinkin'  mebby  your  Uncle 
was  hurt  or  dead,  and  I  was  vergin'  on  hyster- 
icks  when  he  come  calmly  up  and  asked  if  he 
was  late.  I  made  a  vow  then  and  there  I'd  never 
wait  for  that  man  again  if  we  lost  each  other  for 
a  week. 

"  'What  in  the  world  happened?'  I  asked. 

"  'Oh,  nothin';  I  met  old  Jimmy  Graves  from 
Nebraska  down  on  the  Isthmus  and  he  was  feel- 
in'  awful  good  because  he  just  had  a  telegram 
sayin'  they  got  the  top  notch  war  price  for  his 
ten  thousand  bushels  of  wheat  he'd  raised  this 
year.  He  was  feelin'  so  good  he  offered  to  pay 


SAN  DIEGO  75 

my  way  into  every  side  show  on  the  Isthmus. 
I  was  so  astonished  you  could  a  knocked  me 
down  with  a  feather,  seein'  how  he's  usually  so 
close.  But  we  had  a  rather  good  time.  Had 
our  fortune's  told  and  now  he's  worryin'  about 
sellin'  his  wheat  too  soon.  Fortune  teller  said 
it  was  goin '  higher  before  long.  Guess  I  '11  take 
a  little  flyer  on  the  wheat  market  myself  to 
square  up  these  Exposition  jaunts.' 

"We  stayed  out  to  the  Exposition  grounds 
pretty  late,  and  when  we  got  back  to  our  hotel 
some  policemen  were  guardin'  the  door  entrance 
and  keepin'  open  a  pathway  for  some  of  the  big 
guns  who  was  comin'  to  the  entertainment  goin' 
on  there.  We  couldn't  get  in  nor  out  so  we 
stood  with  the  others  waitin'.  A.  little  news- 
boy, not  much  higher  than  your  Uncle's  knees, 
was  near  us.  He  had  big  brown  eyes  and  was 
just  as  sweet  as  could  be.  He  wore  a  little  thin 
shirt  and  blue  jumpers,  and  his  little  brown  feet 
were  bare.  I  know  he  was  cold.  He  looked  up 
into  your  Uncle's  face  and  says:  'What's  the 
matter,  mister?' 

"Your  Uncle  patted  his  head  and  said, 
'Young  man,  in  about  fifteen  minutes  you'll  see 
the  President's  proxy.' 


76     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

"The  little  fellow  wiggled  his  bare  toes  on 
the  pavement  and  said,  *  Aw  what-che  givin'  me. 
My  ole  man  says  there  ain't  no  such  things  as 
spooks. ' 

"Just  then  the  President's  proxy  came 
marchin'  through  the  open  path  we  made  for 
them,  into  the  hotel. 

"  *  Who's  the  gent  with  the  funny  nose?  Saw 
folks  rubberin'  him  once  before  to-day?'  asked 
the  little  newsie. 

"  ' That's  the  President's  proxy,'  said  your 
Uncle,  'the  honorable  Mr.  McAdoo.' 

"Before  any  one  sensed  what  he  was  about 
to  do,  the  little  fellow  flapped  his  arms,  and 
craning  his  neck  for  all  the  world  like  a  ban- 
tam rooster,  crowed  out:  'Mac-Adoodel-doo, 
Mac-Adoodel-doo.  * 

"A  policeman  ma'de  a  graft  at  him,  "But  He 
slid  behind  a  post  and  hopping  across  the  pave- 
ment jumped  onto  the  running  board  of  a  pass- 
ing jitney,  still  crowing  Mac-Adoodel-doo.  The 
policeman  was  only  human,  so  he  laughed  with 
the  rest  of  us." 


SEEING  SIGHTS  IN  SAN  DIEGO 

OE 
THE  EEAL  EAMONA. 

£  £T  If  TE  hadn't  much  more'n  got  com- 
\  \  f ortably  settled  in  our  hotel  down 
at  San  Diego,  a  few  years  ago,  be- 
fore your  Uncle  took  a  notion  to  see  the  real 
Eamona  of  Helen  Hunt  Jackson  fame. 

"We  had  been  readin'  Hiawathy,  Eamona 
and  old  stories  of  the  early  missionary  days, 
and  our  minds  were  full  of  all  sorts  of  roman- 
tic fancies  regarding  dons,  Indian  braves,  and 
beautiful  Indian  maidens,  when  we  started  out 
to  get  a  guide  to  show  us  the  real  Eamona. 

"  'I  expect  she  talks  good  English  by  this 
time,'  observed  your  Uncle,  'and  if  she  really 
is  as  fetchin'  as  the  author  made  out  she  was, 
I'd  like  to  talk  to  her  a  while/  said  he,  referrin' 
to  Eamona. 

"  'I've  made  up  my  mind  to  write  a  pome 
on  every  object  of  interest  I  see  while  attendin' 

77 


78     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA1 

these  Expositions.  Such  a  collection  of  pomes, 
reflectin'  the  local  color  that  California  has  lent 
to  these  Expositions  might  make  them  worth 
their  weight  in  gold  a  hundred  years  from  now. 
'T  would  be  quite  a  feather  in  my  cap'  says  he, 
'to  have  the  papers  (when  they  get  to  arguin' 
about  the  real  Ramona)  to  have  them  quote  ex- 
tracts from  my  pome  regardin'  my  interview 
with  her  today.  You  bet  I  sign  my  real  name 
and  address  to  them  good  and  big,  so  as  not  to 
have  some  other  man  bobbin'  up  and  claimin' 
them,  like  Bacon  did  them  Shakespear  pieces.' 

"You  soon  contract  the  habit  of  tellin'  your 
troubles  to  a  policeman  at  Expositions,  so  your 
Uncle  approached  a  policeman  and  asked  him 
where  we  could  hire  a  guide  to  show  us  Ramona. 

"  'Don't  give  us  any  of  the  young  smarties, 
who  are  doin'  this  sort  of  thing  to  pay  their  ex- 
penses, whip  takin'  in  the  Fair,'  cautioned  your 
Uncle.  '  What  we  want  is  a  seasoned  guide,  who 
knows  San  Diego 's  history  from  the  landing  of 
the  first  ship  in  the  harbor,  down  to  the  land- 
ing of  the  latest  tenderfoot,  doin'  California  for 
the  first  time. ' 

"The  policeman  looked  at  nothing  for  a  min- 
ute and  then  pointing  to  a  man  seated  in  £ 


SIGHTS  IN  SAN  DIEGO  79 

buggy  across  the  street,  said:  ' Dakota  Smith 
over  there  ain't  got  the  latest  thing  in  the  auto 
line  to  show  you  'round  in,  but  if  you  can  put 
up  with  his  means  of  locomotion,  he'll  tell  you 
more  about  San  Diego's  ancient  and  modern 
history  than  all  the  guide  books  ever  published 
in  California.' 

"  'Dakota  Smith,'  says  he,  'was  an  old  set- 
tler before  San  Diego  had  her  first  boom.' 

11  ' Dakota  Smith's  my  man  then,'  said  your 
Uncle,  and  the  policeman  after  wriggling  his 
little  finger  at  Dakota  made  a  megaphone  out 
of  his  hand  and  hollered,  'two  fairs,'  Dakota 
seemed  to  understand,  and  after  wriggling  back 
at  him,  answered,  'In  jest  a  minute.' 

"Then  he  jumped  out  of  his  buggy  awful  spry 
for  a  man  of  his  years  and  went  into  a  build- 
ing. A  minute  later  he  came  out  again,  wiping 
his  mouth  on  a  big  red  handkerchief. 

"We  went  over  to  him  and  he  took  off  his 
wide  rimmed  hat,  an'  waving  it  'round,  he  put 
his  two  heels  together  and  bowed  almost  to  the 
sidewalk. 

"Putting  your  two  heels  together  and  bowing 
so  low  ain't  no  easy  trick.  Your  Uncle  tried 
it  when  we  got  back  to  our  hotel  and  nearly  fell 


80     UNCLE  HIBAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

over  hisself,  and  got  mad  because  I  laughed  at 
him. 

"But  to  get  back  to  Dakota;  he  had  the  big- 
gest moustach  and  the  nearest  nothing  of  a 
chin  I  ever  saw  on  mortal  man,  and  I  couldn't 
help  thinkin'  he  could  'a'  evened  up  matters  a 
bit,  if  he  had  growed  more  hair  on  his  chin  and 
less  on  his  upper  lip;  however,  his  looks  didn't 
seem  to  be  worryin'  him  any. 

"We  all  climbed  in  and  after  cluckin'  up  his 
horse  he  leaned  back  over  the  front  seat  he  was 
settin'  in  and  talked  to  us  real  sociable-like. 
Only  pausing  now  and  then  to  fill  his  mouth  with 
cloves  and  apples,  till  his  breath  smelled  like  a 
mince  pie  with  too  much  brandy  in  it. 

"By  and  by,  bein'  so  busy  talkin'  mebby  that 
he  didn't  sense  what  he  was  doin',  he  throwed 
a  handful  of  them  cloves  into  his  mouth  in  such 
a  hurry  that  most  of  them  stuck  in  his  throat 
and  the  man  come  near  choking  to  death. 

"Honestly  I  was  scairt,  for  he  coughed  till 
you  could  have  heard  him  over  to  Coronado, 
and  turned  all  the  colors  from  orange  green,  to 
putty  yellow,  and  back  again. 

"In  the  excitement  your  Uncle  grabbed  the 
lines  in  one  hand  and  both  of  us  beat  him  on 


SIGHTS  IN  SAN  DIEGO  81 

the  back  till  lie  must  have  been  black  and  blue, 
tryin  to  dislodge  the  cloves. 

"In  the  meantime,  we  bein'  so  engrossed  with 
Dakota  the  horse  was  ambling  along  at  his  own 
sweet  will,  taking  a  short-cut  through  the  flower 
beds  in  front  of  one  of  them  fine  tourist  hotels. 

"Your  Uncle  brought  him  up  with  a  jerk  just 
as  a  Jap  gardener  come  running  toward  us  with 
a  broom  in  his  hand,  talkin'  and  babling  about 
the  ruined  flower  beds. 

"Your  Uncle,  to  get  out  of  the  mixup  as  soon 
as  possible,  hit  the  horse  a  sharp  cut  with  the 
whip,  which  sent  him  (the  horse,  I  mean)  tear- 
ing out  into  the  street  where  we  upset  a  tall 
lanky  lady,  who  wore  glasses  and  cotton  in  her 
ears,  and  was  leading  a  dog.  Whatever  her 
other  afflictions  were,  there  wasn't  anything  the 
matter  with  her  tongue. 

"By  this  time,  Dakota,  who  had  either 
coughed  up  or  swallowed  his  handful  of  cloves 
and  was  drawing  a  natural  breath  once  more, 
grabbed  the  lines,  and  continued  telling  about 
the  big  real  estate  boom  that  was  coming,  right 
where  he  left  off,  just  as  though  nothing  un- 
usual had  happened. 

"By  and  by  Dakota  drew  rein  in  front  of  a 


82     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

queer-looking  house,  which  Dakota  said  was 
the  oldest  adobe  building  in  San  Diego  County. 

"An  old  Indian  woman  with  the  complection 
of  a  mahogany  sideboard  and  wrinkles  that 
would  have  driven  a  beauty  doctor  to  despair, 
set  on  a  bench  near  the  open  door  sunning 
herself. 

"She  was  smoking  a  pipe,  and  was  wrapped 
up  in  striped  red  and  yellow  blanket. 

"She  wore  a  beaded  moccasin  on  one  foot 
and  a  carpet  slipper  on  the  other. 

"  'This,'  said  Dakota,  waving  his  hat  at  her 
by  way  of  an  introduction,  4s  the  only,  and  orig- 
inal Eamona.' 

"Your  Uncle,  his  mind  still  full  of  beautiful 
Indian  maidens,  was  nearly  struck  dumb,  but 
at  last  managed  to  gasp  out,  'That!' 

"  'Yes,  that,'  echoed  Dakota  in  accents  that 
showed  very  plainly  he  was  a  little  miffed  by 
your  Uncle's  attitude  toward  the  erstwhile 
beauty. 

"  'Yes,  yes,  now  I  remember,'  said  your 
Uncle  Hiram,  looking  at  the  old  woman  in  a 
dazed  manner.  'I  remember  the  book  did  say 
that  when  Alessenodro  saw  Eamona  kneeling 
at  the  brook  washing  clothes  he  said,  "Great 


SIGHTS  IN  SAN  DIEGO  83 

Scott !"  er  something  an  nearly  collapsed  and  I 
don't  wonder  at  it  a  bit.' 

"  'Phoeba,'  said  he,  leaning  weak-like  over 
the  buggy  seat,  'this  havin'  your  ideals  shat- 
tered at  one  fell  blow  is  tumble;  someone  ought 
to  be  sued.' 

"  'Well  you  tourists  brought  it  onto  your- 
selves,' said  Dakota,  scowling  at  Eamona,  who 
was  feeling  over  him  and  saying  'bacca.'  'Yes 
sir,'  said  he  clucking  up  the  horse,  'you  tourists 
readin'  that  Eamona  yarn  let  your  imagina- 
tions run  away  with  you.  In  the  first  place  any 
one  who  has  ever  lived  amongst  'em  knows  there 
hain't  any  such  thing  as  a  purty  injun,  Hia- 
wathy,  Minniehaha  and  Ramona  notwithstand- 
ing. We  old  settlers  knowed  Eamona  was  a  fic- 
tion from  the  first  but  the  tourists  wouldn't 
have  it  so.  The  first  ones  that  come  acted  like 's 
if  we  was  hiding  Eamona  and  insisted  on  see- 
ing her.  It  bein '  an  unwritten  law  in  Calif orny 
that  the  tourists  shall  have  anything  they  are 
willin'  to  pay  for,  the  demand  for  Eamonas 
was  soon  supplied.  The  squaws  made  so  much 
money  posing  for  Eamona  that  an  Irish  wash- 
erwoman right  here  in  San  Diego  left  her  tub 
and  colorin'  her  face  with  walnut  juice  an'  buy- 


84     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

in'  a  black  wig  an'  a  red  blanket  an'  beaded 
moccasins  went  into  the  Eamona  business  for 
herself.  One  day  a  near-sighted  professor  from 
Pasadena  came  down  to  San  Diego,  huntin'  data 
for  a  new  book,  in  which  he  was  trying  to  prove 
that  there  was  two  missin'  links,  instead  of  one, 
as  some  man  named  Darwin  claimed.  One  link 
was  betwixt  the  ape  and  the  cliff  dwellers  and 
the  other  link  betwixt  the  cliff  dwellers  and  the 
Injuns.  When  he  see  the  Irish  Eamona  he  was 
dumfounded,  for  while  she  had  some  of  the 
characteristics  of  the  whole  bunch,  he  couldn't 
for  the  life  of  him  decide  which  bunch  she  linked 
together.  He  stood  for  hours  studyin'  her  an' 
makin'  notes  about  her  till  it  got  on  her  nerves, 
an  grabbin'  a  ripe  tomato  she  banged  away  and 
hit  him  square  between  the  eyes;  in  the  mixup 
her  wig  come  off  and  with  her  red  hair  flyin', 
she  chased  that  professor  clear  to  the  depot, 
where  he  scairt  nearly  stiff  at  the  sudden  stren- 
uousness  of  his  missin'  link,  hid  in  a  freight  car 
till  the  train  come  along  for  Pasadena.' 

"On  the  way  back  we  passed  a  patch  of 
ground  called  Eamona  Acres  and  Dakota  told 
us  another  story  about  Eamona  saying,  'the  rea- 
son it  is  called  Eamony  Acres  is  because  Ea- 


SIGHTS  IN  SAN  DIEGO  85 

mony  's  uncle  chased  a  jackrabbit  across  it  once/ 
'Well,  what  become  of  the  jackrabbit?'  I  asked, 
and  he  answered: 

"  'Well,  to  make  a  short  story  long,  I'll  tell 
you  about  it.  A  couple  of  Wall  Street  fellers, 
doing  Californy  from  the  East,  ordered  a  deer 
supper  up  at  Hotel  Alexandria  in  Los  Angeles. 
Now  it  was  off  season  for  deer  so  they  decided 
"to  feed  'em  on  sage  brush  jacks  from  San 
Diego,  which  tastes  mighty  like  deer,  and  never 
let  on.  When  the  order  come  from  Los  Angeles 
for  sage-seasoned  jacks,  Ramona's  uncle  got 
busy  to  earn  a  few  bits,  and  with  his  dog  he 
chased  a  jack  acrost  these  acres ;  just  as  the  dog 
was  about  to  grab  the  rabbit,  it  clum  upon  the 
roof  of  that  old  adobe  house  you  see  over  yon- 
der, jumped  down  the  chimney,  out  of  the  door 
into  the  front  yard,  where  he  squeezed  through 
a  palm  fence;  then  seein'  he  was  safe  he  set 
down  in  the  road  and  waved  his  ears  and  winked 
his  eyes  at  the  dog  as  much  as  to  say:  "Meet 
me  at  Hotel  Alexandria."  ' 

"  'Ruther  intrusting,'  said  your  Uncle,  'but 
what's  the  sequel?' 

"  'The  only  sequel  I  ever  heard  of,'  answered 
Dakota,  'was  that  the  sage  jacks  all  got  away 


86     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

and  the  Wall  Street  bunch  et  canned  jackrabbit 
from  Fresno,  and  thought  it  was  deer.' 

"  'It  was  dear,  if  they  eat  it  at  the  Alexan- 
dria,' observed  your  Uncle  drily." 


PHOEBE  >S  AND  UNCLE  HIBAM'S 
TEIP  TO  MOUNT  LOWE 


YES,  we  went  to  Mount  Lowe,  after 
all,  Mandy,"  said  Aunt  Phoebe  Har- 
rison to  her  niece,  "but  nuthin'  short 
of  force  would  ever  get  me  there  again. 

"My  goin'  was  as  usual  a  little  un-expected 
for  when  your  Uncle  went  out  into  the  back  yard 
that  mornin'  to  trim  the  geraniums  and  pick 
out  devil  grass,  he  hadn't  the  least  idea  of  going 
up  there;  but  about  twenty  minutes  later  he 
come's  rushing  up-stairs  where  I  was  sewing 
like  as  if  the  house  was  afire,  sayin',  'We  might 
as  well  go  through  it  today  as  any  other  day, 
an'  shut  their  mouths  on  the  subject.  I  tho't 
maybe  'twas  kind  of  blowed  over,'  he  went  on, 
'but  I  see  I'm  a-goin'  to  be  hectored  an'  hound- 
ed an'  have  insinuations  that  I'm  a  coward 
throwed  into  my  teeth  till  my  dying  day  if  I 
don't  go.' 

87 


88     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"  '  What  on  earth  are  you  a-talkin'  about  any- 
way! '  I  asked — an'  he  hollered  back  at  me  frum 
the  depths  of  the  big  stair  closit  where  he  was 
a-rummagin'  fur  his  clothes: 

"  l  What  in  creation  are  we  a-talkin'  about  but 
that  cable  trip  up  that  Mountain  Lowe  !  I  tho  't 
after  riskin'  my  neck  a-goin'  to  Cataleny  an' 
doin'  all  of  them  summer  resort  towns  an' 
nearly  every  other  place  on  the  map  of  Calif  or- 
ny,  maybe  nobody  would  notice  our  not  doin' 
Mount  Lowe.  But,  no;  it  seems  like  a  fellow 
knows  by  intuetion  as  soon  as  he  sets  eyes  on 
me  that  I  hain't  bin  hoisted  up  that  pesky 
mountain. 

11  'Even  that  tourist  family  that's  settled  for 
the  winter  next  door  are  a-goin'  just  as  soon  as 
they  get  settled,  and  the  first  thing  he  said  to 
me  over  the  back  fence  this  mornin'  when  I  went 
out  to  wrastle  with  that  blamed  devil's  grass 
was,  "Been  up  to  Mount  Lowe,  of  course!" — 
accent  on  "of  course,"  an'  when  I  said  I  hadn't, 
he  looked  at  me  like  as  if  I  was  a  freak  an'  went 
off  mutterm'  to  himself  'bout  folks  livin'  in  the 
very  shadow  of  such  a  noble  mountain  an'  never 
goin'  up  her. 


TRIP  TO  MOUNT  LOWE  89 

"  'So,  Phoebe,'  he  continued,  'we'll  mount 
Mount  Lowe  today,  even  if  they  have  to  blind- 
fold us  an'  back  us  onto  them  cable  cars,  like 
I've  seen  'em  do  with  horses  goin'  on  a  boat; 
so  hurry  up  an'  git  ready,  for  it's  like  havin'  a 
tooth  pulled;  if  you  don't  do  it  on  the  spur  of 
the  minute,  you're  apt  to  lose  your  nerve  and 
not  do  it  at  all. ' 

"Well,  of  course,  I  laid  away  my  sewin'  an' 
getting  ready  in  a  hurry,  we  caught  the  last 
forenoon  car. 

"Your  Uncle  had  everybody  lookin''  at  him, 
for  he  wore  what  he  called  his  Alpine  suit,  which 
consisted  of  a  pair  of  wide  yellowish  corderoy 
pants,  stuffed  into  high  boots,  and  a  coat  that 
looked  like  a  mother  hubbard  wrapper  cut  off 
around  the  hips;  a  peaked  hat,  and  a  crooked 
end  stick,  completed  his  costume. 

"  'You  certainly  do  look  queer,'  says  I  when 
I  see  the  folks  we  passed  lookin'  back  at  him, 

an'  he  says,  'You  expect  to  look if  you 

look  English.' 

"If  it  hadn't  been  for  the  cloud  in  the  shape 
of  that  cable-car  climb  up  Mount  Lowe  hangin' 
over  my  head,  I  would  have  enjoyed  the  ride 
through  the  orange  groves  and  poppy  fields  to 


90     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

Bubio  Canyon  first  rate.  I  tried  to  put  it  out  of 
my  mind,  but  jest  as  soon  as  I  caught  sight  of 
that  tipsy  looking  car  that  was  goin'  to  hoist 
us  up  into  space,  my  knees  got  weak  under  me 
and  I  made  a  scene  then  and  there  by  settin' 
down  on  one  of  them  seats  an'  refusin'  to  budge. 

"Your  Uncle  was  so  put  out  fur  fear  he'd 
loose  the  carfare  that  he  nearly  had  a  fit  when 
he  sees  the  car  agoin'  off  without  us.  Two  men 
was  settin'  on  benches  not  far  away,  an'  when 
they  sees  how  wrought  up  an'  disappointed  your 
Uncle  was  one  of  them  said  to  the  other,  'I've 
studied  wimen  an'  I've  studied  mules,  that  bein' 
my  business,  most  of  my  life,  an'  I  must  admit 
fur  pure  ever  day  contraryness,  the  wimen  have 
the  mules  beat  ten  to  one.* 

"  'I  don't  believe  in  divorces,'  chimed  in  the 
other  man,  *  therefore  findin'  myself  tied  to  sich 
a  wife,  I'd  ride  up  in  that  car  a  ways,  an'  jump 
over  an'  break  my  neck.' 

"Your  Uncle  heard  every  word,  an'  as  usual 
took  the  opposite  side  of  the  argument,  an'  lay- 
in'  his  hand  on  my  arm,  he  faced  about  on  'em 
an'  said  real  dramatic  like, ' Gentlemen,  my  wife; 
right  or  wrong,  my  wife.7 

"I  felt  real  proud  of  your  Uncle  for  standin' 


TRIP  TO  MOUNT  LOWE  91 

up  for  me  in  spite  of  his  disappointment,  and 
I  rewarded  Mm  an'  surprised  the  others  by 
takin'  the  next  car  that  was  jest  a-startin'.  The 
car  started  upward,  so  gently,  yet  swiftly,  and 
shuttin'  my  eyes  I  could  almost  imagine  how  it 
would  feel  to  have  wings.  I  wanted  to  shut  my 
eyes  at  the  steepest  places  but  the  beautiful  pan- 
aramy  of  clouds,  mountains  and  sea  held  me 
spellbound  by  the  beauty  of  the  scene.  I  had 
read  a  good  many  descriptions  of  the  trip,  but 
they  all  seemed  weak  and  flat  compared  to  this 
glorious  reality. 

"  ' Clouds,  mountains,  valleys  and  sea,'  said 
your  Uncle,  standin'  up  in  his  seat  to  view  the 
inspirin'  sight,  'haint  this  a  pictur  to  recollect 
a  lifetime  ?'  he  asked  of  a  tourist-lookin'  man 
settin'  near. 

1 '  The  man  glanced  over  the  scene  with  a  bored 
look  on  his  face  an'  said,  'It  does  very  well  fur 
the  West;  I'm  from  New  York  City.' 

"His  tones  nettled  your  Uncle  who  answered 
him  back,  'I'm  from  Nebraska,  but  that  don't 
keep  me  frum  seein'  a  scene  when  I  see  it.' 

"My,  but  some  of  them  deep  gorges  the  car 
swung  over  looked  scary  and  dangerous.  I 
heard  a  man  they  called  •  Doctor'  tellin'  some 


92     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

others  that  for  years  he  had  been  experimental' 
on  crazy  folks  with  suicidal  manias  by  bringin' 
them  on  this  trip  an'  by  pretendin'  he  wasn't 
watchin'  give  'em  a  chance  to  jump  overboard. 
'But,'  says  he,  'you  couldn't  'a'  pushed  one  of 
'em  off,  an'  not  one  of  'em  ever  tried  to  commit 
suicide  again.  Strange,'  says  he,  'but  truth  is 
allus  stranger  than  fiction.' 

"Me  and  your  Uncle  was  more  wrought  up 
in  our  feelings  at  the  beauty  of  the  trip  than 
we  had  been  in  any  of  our  travels  before,  'less 
'twas  the  first  time  we  see  the  ocean.  We  was 
brought  back  to  earth  again  by  a  young  man 
who  dumb  around  reckless-like  on  the  other  side 
of  the  car  askin'  your  Uncle  fur  his  name  to 
be  printed  in  a  paper  published  a  mile  above 
the  sea. 

"  'Sure,'  said  your  Uncle,  pleased  with  the 
idea.  'Since  we  have  risked  life  an'  limb  to 
get  here,  an'  you  have  risked  your  neck  climbin' 
round  to  get  our  names  we  may  as  well  let  the 
world  know  we've  bin  to  Mount  Lowe  at  last.' 
Then  your  Uncle  gave  the  young  man  our  Los 
Angeles  address,  an'  added,  'formerly  frum  Lin- 
coln, Lancaster  County,  Eural  Free  Delivery 
Eoute  No.  2,  Nebraska.' 


TEIP  TO  MOUNT  LOWE  93 

"He  went  on  to  give  some  other  pointers 
about  hisself,  but  the  young  man  halted  him 
sayin',  'See  here,  if  you  want  your  autobiog- 
raphy printed,  you  will  have  to  hand  it  in  up  at 
the  Tavern.  It  will  cost  you  fifteen  cents  for 
your  name  alone.' 

"  *  Fifteen  cents!'  echoed  your  Uncle,  in  as- 
tonishment. '  Such  prices  is  scandelous,  Pheba ; 
just  think,  about  a  cent  a  letter !  Why,  young 
man,  I've  had  a  lost-hog  notice  printed  in  a 
Nebraska  paper  once  for  that ! ' 

"The  young  man  passed  on  makin'  some  sort 
of  a  joke  to  the  rest  of  the  passengers  about 
the  lost  hog  bein'  found  on  Mount  Lowe,  but  as 
we  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  tavern  through  the 
trees  just  then,  nuthin'  more  was  said. 

"  'We  can  get  our  names  in  the  paper  by 
registerin'  an'  payin'  a  dollar  fur  a  meal,'  said 
your  Uncle,  as  we  went  up  the  steps  to  the  tav- 
ern; 'may  as  well  let  the  world  know  we  have 
been  here  after  all  this  hubadoo  and  expense.' 
But,  bless  you,  they  wouldn't  even  let  you  regis- 
ter less  you  took  a  room  and  stayed  a  spell. 

"At  the  table  where  we  ate  there  was  an  actor 
an'  actress  eating,  or  more  truly  speakin'  drink- 
in';  the  actor  put  in  most  of  his  time  watchin' 


94     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

us  an'  jottin'  down  things  in  a  note  book.  I 
heard  him  tell  the  girl  he  was  a-writin  a  Rube 
play  an'  he  was  gettin'  some  'local  colerin,' 
whatever  that  is,  at  'first  hand.' 

"The  dinner  was  real  tasty  an'  after  we  got 
through  we  walked  up  a  trail  to  a  place  called 
'Inspiration  Point,'  where  we  could  see  Pasa- 
dena, Los  Angeles,  and  the  ocean  plain  as  day 
through  our  field  glasses. 

' '  On  our  way  up  we  see  a  tree  with  thousand 
of  cards  with  names  on  'em  tied  to  it,  so  your 
Uncle  wrote  ours  and  stuck  it  on  and  then  hur- 
ried away  fur  fear  some  one  would  tax  him  fif- 
teen cents  fur  it.  I  never  see  the  like  of  squir- 
rels as  there  was  up  there,  cute  little  fellows  and 
as  tame  as  could  be.  There  was  bears,  too,  that 
I  wouldn't  care  to  meet  alone  in  the  woods. 

"The  tavern  is  built  right  in  amongst  the  big 
trees,  the  branches  reachin'  over  the  roof  where 
the  squirrels  chatter  and  run  about  even  goin' 
into  the  tavern  to  get  peanuts  from  the  board- 
ers. I  will  never  forgit  the  commotion  one  little 
squirrel  caused.  A  man  was  layin'  stretched 
out  at  full  length  on  a  bench  asleep  when  one  of 
the  squirrels  got  scared  at  somethin'  an'  run  up 
his  pants  leg.  The  man  woke  up  with  a  yell  an' 


TRIP  TO  MOUNT  LOWE  95 

fallin'  on  the  ground  he  rolled  over  holdin'  onto 
his  leg  an'  hollerin'  that  a  rattlesnake  or  some 
reptile  was  eatin'  him  up. 

"  i  Clear  case  of  delerium  tremains,'  said  the 
Doctor  who  rode  up  with  us,  while  a  woman 
frum  Pasadena  started  for  the  tavern  on  the 
dead  run  hollerin,  'mad  dog.'  After  a  bit  the 
man  happened  to  stand  up  again  an'  shake  his 
leg  and  out  run  the  squirrel  pretty  badly  mussed 
up,  but  still  alive,  which  was  a  wonder.  The  man 
was  so  ashamed,  he  grabbed  his  hat  and  started 
down  the  railroad  track  and  we  didn't  see  any- 
thing more  of  him  till  he  boarded  the  car  at 
the  searchlight  station. 

"  Going  home  we  clim  a  steep  hill  with  a  lot 
of  other  folks  and  looked  through  a  telescope 
at  a  star.  The  star  looked  brighter  an'  nearer, 
but  it  didn't  look  as  big  as  a  barn  as  I  expected 
it  would  frum  the  size  of  the  magnifyin'  glass. 
Then  we  started  down  the  trail  slippin'  an' 
slidin'  along. 

"After  seein'  the  biggest  searchlight  in  the 
world  we  was  let  down  again  in  the  cable  car 
and  the  wonderful  trip  to  Mount  Lowe  was  over. 
That  night  as  your  Uncle  laid  his  head  on  the 
pillow,  he  said,  'The  first  thing  I  do  in  the  morn- 


96     UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

in'  is  to  ask  that  tourist  man  next  door  if  he 
has  been  to  Mount  Lowe  yet,  an'  I'd  keep  it  np 
till  he  either  goes  er  takes  water.'  " 


A  BOOK  EEVIEW  OF  SAN  FRANCISCO 
HISTORY 

{  £  TT^  HOEBE,'  said  your  Uncle  Hiram, 
in  a  shocked  tone  of  voice,  'I'm 
readin'  a  California  book  written 
by  a  tourist  from  the  East,  and  while  he  booms 
San  Francisco  with  a  fifty-page  write-up,  he 
devoted  less  than  one  page  to  Los  Angeles,  say- 
ing, '  *  If  a  tourist  has  lots  of  time  on  his  hands, 
he  might  be  interested  in  lookin'  over  the  old 
Plaza  and  elimbin'  the  hill  to  see  the  Southwest 
Museum,  out  Garavanza  way." 

"  'Now  what  do  you  think  of  that?'  he  con- 
tinued. 'I've  lived  here  ten  years  and  done 
some  pretty  good  sightseein'  myself,  yet  there 
are  dozens  of  interestin'  places,  like  the  big 
moving  picture  plants,  that  Mission  Play  at  San 
Gabriel,  and  lots  of  other  interestin'  things  I 
have  never  had  time  to  see;  yet  accordin'  to 
this  author,  unless  you  belong  to  a  class  of  tour- 
ists who  enjoy  rubberneck  wagons,  Los  Angeles 
has  nothing  of  interest  to  see. 

"  'Now,  listen,'  said  he,  turning  over  a  few 
leaves.  'This  travel  writer  says  it  sounds  cheap 

97 


98     UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

to  say  "  'Frisco"  and  intimates  it's  just  as  well 
to  let  them  think  you  think  the  fire  caused  the 
earthquake,  instead  of  the  other  way  round.  He 
also  refers  to  San  Francisco  as  "The  Metropo- 
lis of  California."  He  says  there  is  a  sameness 
about  all  cities  except  San  Francisco  and  New 
York,  and  compares  them  to  San  Francisco's 
credit. 

"  'He  says  not  to  ride  in  the  rubber  neck 
wagons  in  San  Francisco,  for  there  you  will  only 
meet  the  tourists,  while  the  natives  are  what 
you  are  after.  So,  as  you  are  not  supposed  to 
crowd  yourself  into  their  private  conveyances, 
obviously  the  proper  thing  to  do  is  to  corral 
them  in  the  street  car. 

"  'He  thinks  it's  lots  of  fun  coastin'  down  the 
hills  on  the  cable  cars.  He  surmises  that  China- 
town has  lost  much  of  its  foreign  flavor  since 
it  has  been  modernized  after  the  fire.' 

"  'It  could  spare  some  of  it  the  last  time  I 
was  there, '  says  I,  and  he  observed : 

"  'Here's  somethin'  interesting  in  the  way  of 
ancient  history: 

"  '  "Portsmouth  Square  is  the  site  of  the  old 
Plaza  of  early  San  Francisco,  and  in  1846,  when 
they  still  called  San  Francisco  Yerba  Buena, 


SAN  FEANCISCO  HISTOEY          99 

Captain  Montgomery,  of  the  United  States  sloop 
of  war  Portsmouth,  raised  the  American  flag." 

"  'Good  for  him!'  says  your  Uncle,  and  then 
he  quotes  on : 

"  '  "There's  also  a  monument  here  to  Eobert 
Louis  Stevenson,  containing  some  good  advice 
which  nobody  ever  takes.  The  Mission  Dolores 
was  founded  in  1776.  Here  the  first  (but  not  the 
last  by  any  means)  California  book  was  written 
by  Padre  Palous:  'The  Life  of  Junipero 
Serra.'  " 

"  'Then  the  writer  tells  about  suburban  San 
Francisco's  rides  and  drives,  but  he  doesn't  say 
a  word  about  what,  to  my  mind,  is  the  prettiest 
of  all — the  one  through  the  Niles  Canyon,  Sunol 
Glen,  and  past  the  Phoebe  Hearst  estate  to 
Pleasanton. 

"  'He  booms  the  San  Francisco  restaurants, 
namin'  Taits,  The  Poodle  Dog,  Franks'  and 
others.  Not  a  word  about  Los  Angeles  restau- 
rants, but  he  takes  a  crack  at  the  cafeterias,  and 
adds  insult  to  injury  by  sayin'  that  the  proper 
way  to  pronounce  cafeteria  is  Caf e-ta-ree-a. ' 

"Your  Uncle  looked  at  me  over  the  top  of  his 
spectacles  and  book  at  the  same  time  and  said 
'Shucks!"' 


THEEE  BOOMEES 

6  6  "¥"  ^  your  Uncle  Hiram  hadn't  been  in  such 

a   presimistic  mood,"   observed   Aunt 

Phoebe,  "it's  not  likely  he  would  have 

gotten  himself  into  a  fuss  with  a  San  Francisco 

man  by  standin'  up  for  Los  Angeles. 

"Now  your  Uncle  likes  San  Francisco  first 
rate,  an'  if  the  San  Francisco  man,  who  said 
his  name  was  Mr.  Pearson,  had  taken  the  other 
side  of  the  argument,  he  would  have  stood  up 
for  the  Bay  City  just  as  strong  as  he  did  for 
Los  Angeles. 

"But  his  Los  Angeles  paper  was  all  sold  out 
when  he  got  down  to  the  lobby  that  mornin'  and 
they  didn't  have  his  favorite  cigars  at  the  cigar 
stand.  So,  as  I  said  in  the  beginnin',  he  was 
already  in  a  presimistic  mood  when  he  took  a 
chair  ranged  alongside  the  lobby  wall  near  this 
Mr.  Pearson,  who  took  his  cigar  out  of  his 
mouth  long  enough  to  observe : 

"  'I'm  a  sort  of  a  character  reader,  and  it's 
a  sort  of  a  hobby  of  mine  that  I  can  tell  some- 


100 


THREE  BOOMERS  101 

thin'  of  every  man's  past  life  I  happen  to  meet. 
Now,  I'll  wager  a  cigar  that  you  are  a  one-time 
tourist  from  the  middle  west,  now  settled  down 
in  Los  Angeles  mo  win'  the  lawn  and  tinkerin' 
with  an  automobile  for  exercise  on  week  days, 
and  ridin'  the  foothill  and  beach  boulevards  on 
Sunday. ' 

"  'How  do  you  know  so  much,'  snapped  back 
your  Uncle,  and  Mr.  Pearson  answered : 

"  'By  signs.  A  man  never  gets  riled  up  be- 
cause he  can't  get  a  paper  two  days  old,  unless 
it's  his  home  paper.  The  only  papers  worth 
reading  are  the  San  Francisco  papers  anyway,' 
he  added. 

"  'Seattle  papers  beat  them  both,'  put  in  a 
young  man  settin'  in  between  them. 

"Ignorin'  the  Seattleite,  Mr.  Pearson  con- 
tinued : 

"  'No  man  who  has  acquired  the  real  Cali- 
fornia tourist  habit  ever  acts  normal  again. 
They  come  up  here  in  droves  to  see  that  won- 
derful Panama  Exposition  we  had  up  here  a  few 
years  ago.  Instead  of  puttin'  in  their  time  gaz- 
in'  in  awe-struck  wonder  at  the  paintings,  stat- 
utes and  archetectural  beauty  of  the  buildings, 
and  wonderin'  at  the  genius  of  the  men  who  had. 


102    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

transformed  a  barren  waste  into  the  nearest  ap- 
proach to  a  Garden  of  Eden  ever  seen  on  earth, 
they  haunted  the  Chamber  of  Commerce  to  see 
big  vegetables,  patronized  the  rubberneck  wag- 
ons, eat  at  cafeterias  and  crowded  the  movin' 
picture  shows.' 

"When  your  Uncle  could  speak  without  chok- 
in',  he  retorted: 

"  'One  reason  we  didn't  fall  all  over  each 
other  to  look,  was  because  all  the  worth  while 
things  was  sent  up  from  Southern  California 
and  we  was  tired  of  lookin'  at  'em  down  there.' 

"  'Been  up  to  that  wonder  of  wonders,  Mt. 
TamalpiasT  inquired  Mr.  Pearson,  changin'  the 
subject. 

"  'No,  and  I  don't  intend  to,'  was  the  ungra- 
cious reply,  'couldn't  possibly  see  anything 
grander  than  Mt.  Lowe  down ' 

"  'Ever  take  the  Snoqualamia  Falls  trip?' 
timidly  inquired  the  Seattleite.  No  one  an- 
swered him,  and  Mr.  Pearson  said : 

' '  '  The  city  of  San  Francisco  stands  in  a  class 
all  by  itself.  Nob  Hill  was  known  the  world 
over  and  had  an  aristocracy  all  its  own,  their 
deeds  having  gone  down  in  history  half  a  cen- 
*tury  before  they  plowed  up  barley  fields  to  build 


THEEE  BOOMEES  103 

the  white  plastered  houses  that  look  like  pub- 
lic buildings,  for  the  tourist  millionaires,  down 
in  Los  Angeles.  There  is  no  more  local  color 
in  modern  Los  Angeles  than  there  is  in  Pan 
Handle,  Texas.' 

"Your  Uncle  was  too  astonished  at  this  re- 
mark to  answer,  and  Mr.  Pearson  continued: 
'You  could  blindfold  me,  and  travel  me  around 
the  world,  and  yet  I'd  know  I  was  in  San  Fran- 
cisco atmosphere  the  minute  my  feet  touched  the 
ferry  depot.' 

"  'Sure,  sure!'  replied  your  Uncle  sarcasti- 
cally. 'There's  a  smell  from  the  Bay  you  could 
never  forget ;  and  I  never  knew  before  what  bed- 
lam let  loose  meant  till  I  heard  them  hotel  run- 
ners and  the  steamboat  whistles ' 

"  'Guess  you  never  heard  the  Walla  Walla,' 
eagerly  chipped  in  the  man  from  Seattle. 

"  'I  suppose  you  will  be  denyin'  next,'  ob- 
served Mr.  Pearson,  peering  'round  the  Seattle 
man  at  your  Uncle,  'that  there  are  no  towerin' 
mountains  up  this  way.' 

"  'Some,'  was  the  reply,  'but  to  my  mind  the 
grandest  mountain  in  the  world  is  old  Baldy 
after  a  snow  storm.' 

"  'Exceptin'  Mt.  Eainier  when  the  sun  is  shin- 


104    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

in'  on  it '  commenced  the  Seattle  man,  but 

the  San  Francisco  man  turned  the  subject  to  In- 
dians, sayin': 

"  'Then  the  foreign  element  lends  a  cosmo- 
politan flavor  to  this  city  that  is  lackin'  in  Los 
Angeles.  Besides,  it  would  pay  you  to  go  out 
to  the  Indian  camp  and  see  the  last  remnant  of 
our  northern  California  Indians.  Indian  lore  is 
another  hobby  of  mine. ' 

"  'It's  not  a  hobby  I  care  to  study  at  very 
close  range,'  said  your  Uncle,  'but  if  there  was 
ever  any  other  Indian  woman  who  attracted  any 
more  attention  than  Eamona,  I'd  like  to  know 
her  name. ' 

"  'Now,  the  Princess  Angelina 9  com- 
menced the  Seattle  man,  'was  the  daughter  of 
Chief  Seattle,  who  saved  the ' 

"Mr.  Pearson  withered  him  with  a  look  and 
turning  the  subject  from  Indian  to  white 
woman,  said: 

"  'The  real  San  Francisco  women  have  a 
poise  and  style  all  their  own.  I  love  to  see  them 
movin'  stately  and  serene  along  our  streets,  as 
modest  as  the  violets  nestlin'  amid  the  rich,  dark 
furs  of  their  tailored  suits.  The  San  Francisco 
women  remind  me  of  a  bed  of  stately  lilies,  while 


THKEE  BOOMERS  105 

the  Los  Angeles  women  on  parade  on  Broadway 
remind  me  of  a  Dutch  garden.  They  are  like 
everything,  mixed,  down  there,  even  society.  At 
a  reception  down  there  I  was  introduced  to  a 
Japanese  singer,  a  patent  medicine  millionaire's 
widow,  and  a  Congress-woman,  not  to  mention ' ' 

' '  '  They  all  look  good  to  us, '  stoutly  defended 
your  Uncle,  'and  I'm  proud  of  every  one  of 
them.' 

"Then  Mr.  Pearson  commenced  on  the  men, 
saying:  'Then  the  tourist  men  down  in  Los  An- 
geles, after  they  get  through  taking  all  the  trol- 
ley trips,  find  time  hanging  so  heavy  on  their 
hands  that  the  policemen  have  to  use  clubs  to 
keep  them  from  falling  into  every  new  hole  that 
is  bein'  excavated  for  a  new  building;  espe- 
cially about  plowing  time  in  the  middle  west. 
They  long  for  the  smell  of  new  turned  sod,  and 
hang  around  to  see  the  mother  earth  a  la  natural 
once  more.' 

"  'Well,'  retorted  your  Uncle,  'I  don't  see  but 
it's  a  better  way  to  kill  time  than  to  sit  in  a  hotel 
lobby  knockin'  other  parts.  If  this  blamed 
wind'd  quit  blowin',  I'd  go  over  and  see  how 
badly  our  Los  Angeles  Chamber  of  Commerce 
has  got  San  Francisco  one  beaten.' 


106    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

i 
:  'Ever  see  the  Alaska  Exhibit  up  in  the ' 

commenced  the  man  from  Seattle. 

"  '  You  will  be  savin'  next/  said  Mr.  Pearson, 
ignorin'  the  Alaska  remark,  'that  you  have  big- 
ger crowds  on  Broadway,  Los  Angeles,  than  we 
have  in  this  city.' 

' '  '  Sure, '  conceded  your  Uncle.  Haven't  seen 
a  square  foot  of  bare  sidewalk  on  Broadway  for 
years  on  account  of  the  crowds. ' 

"Well,  they  argued  back  and  forth  till  Mr. 
Pearson  dared  your  Uncle  out  on  Market  street 
to  settle  the  question.  So  they  started  out,  the 
Seattle  man  taggin'  along  to  see  the  finish.  Fif- 
teen minutes  later  they  come  back,  leanin'  on 
the  Seattle  man,  glarin'  at  each  other  and 
limpin'. 

"  'What's  the  matter!'  I  asked  in  alarm. 

"  'Oh,  nothing,'  answered  the  man  from  Seat- 
tle, 'only  they  got  to  arguin'  in  the  middle  of 
Market  street  and  got  run  into  with  a  motor- 
cycle and  a  jitney  bus. ' 

"As  your  Uncle  and  Mr.  Pearson  never  spoke 
to  each  other  again  the  question  was  never 
settled." 


AUNT  PHOEBE  GOES  TO  SAN 
FRANCISCO 

HIBAM'S  PLUNGE 


(  f^C  7*ES,  we  went  by  the  Valley  route  from 
Los  Angeles  to  San  Francisco,"  said 
Aunt  Phoebe  Harrison  to  her  niece 
Mandy,  "and  the  sun  was  just  settin'  behind 
the  green  field  when  we  reached  Niles  Canyon. 
It  was  a  beautiful  country,  and  we  nearly  twist- 
ed our  necks  off  tryin'  to  see  the  scenery  on 
both  sides  of  the  car  at  the  same  time. 

"  'Now,'  said  your  Uncle  Hiram,  'we  will  see 
the  country  that  Jack  London  made  famous  in 
his  novel  and  movin'  picture  play  called  "The 
Valley  of  the  Moon."  ' 

"  'Well,'  says  I,  'here's  the  valley  but  where 's 
the  moon?'  ' Eight  up  in  the  sky,'  said  your 
Uncle,  pointin'  upward,  and  sure  enough  there 
it  was,  a  new  moon  shinin'  down  over  our  right 
shoulders,  as  if  to  wish  us  good  luck  on  our  'see- 
in'  San  Francisco'  tour. 

"  On  we  flew  through  the  green  fields,  orchards 

107 


108    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

and  gardens,  and  darkness  found  us  on  the  ferry 
boat,  watchin'  the  twicklin'  of  a  million  lights 
around  the  bay.  We  had  both  been  consider- 
ably wrought  up  in  our  feelin's  over  the  beauty 
of  the  sights  and  scenes  through  which  we  had 
just  passed,  but  we  was  brought  down  to  earth 
again,  figuratively  speakin',  when  we  reached 
the  ferry  depot,  by  the  most  unearthly  noise  that 
ever  greeted  mortal  ears. 

"  ' Where's  the  fire?'  inquired  your  Uncle  of 
a  man,  who  answered,  'Fire  nothin',  it's  them 
pesky  hotel  runners,  biddin'  for  trade.' 

"  'What  on  earth  will  we  do?'  says  I,  wishin' 
we  was  back  in  our  happy  home  and  not  tryin* 
to  do  expositions  in  a  strange  city  at  our  age. 

"  ' Don't  act  so  green,'  snapped  your  Uncle; 
'what  should  we  do  but  find  the  St.  Francis  bus 
and  climb  in  like  the  rest  of  the  folks.  You  hold 
onto  me  and  I'll  hold  onto  the  satchels,  and  we 
will  see  if  we  can  run  the  blockade  of  hotel  run- 
ners, without  losin'  life  or  limb.' 

"  'Ain't  the  St.  Francis  awful  high-toned  and 
expensive?'  said  I,  holdin'  back. 

"  'Phoebe  Harrison,'  says  he,  leanin'  the  suit- 
case on  end  against  a  post  and  settin'  down  on 
it,  'we  may  as  well  settle  who's  runnin'  this  trip 


AUNT  PHOEBE  GOES  TO  'FEISCO    109 

here  and  now.  When  I  sold  that  400-acre  farm 
for  $200  an  acre  I  promised  ourselves  one  trip 
in  our  life,  that  I'd  always  dreamed  of,  but  never 
could  afford  to  carry  out.  'Twas  a  trip  where 
we  went  first-class  from  start  to  finish  and  no 
questions  asked  about  expenses.  We  are  takin' 
that  trip  now,  and  we  are  goin'  to  do  this  old 
town  in  a  first-class  style  from  that  Mountain 
Tamelpious  to  the  Poodle  Dog  Restaurant  or  my 
name  hain't  Hiram  Harrison.' 

' '  '  Won 't  it  cost '  '  I've  counted  the  cost, ' 

he  broke  in,  'and  come  prepared  for  any  emer- 
gency; a  man  who  had  just  finished  doin'  the 
exposition  told  me  down  in  Los  Angeles,  that  he 
had  to  change  ten-dollar  bills  up  here  as  often 
as  a  woman  changes  her  mind.' 

"  'But  my  clothes,'  I  protested.  'Mrs.  New- 
coby  spent  nearly  a  thousand  dollars  on  hers 
because  they  were  goin'  to  board  at  the  St. 
Francis  this  summer.' 

"  'Clothes,  clothes,'  mimicked  your  uncle; 
tell  a  woman  you  are  goin'  to  take  her  to  jail, 
or  the  hospital,  or  any  old  place  and  the  first 
thing  she  thinks  of  is  clothes.  What  ails  that 
tailor  suit  you  just  paid  $75  for?' 

"  'Nothing,'  I  admitted,  'it's  all  right  in  its 


110    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

place;  Mrs.  Newcoby  got  a  black  evening 
dress 9 

"  'Enough,'  says  your  Uncle,  interruptin'  me. 
'I  can  afford  to  clothe  my  wife  as  good  as  old 
Newcoby  any  day.  I'll  give  you  a  check  in  the 
mornin'  and  don't  let  me  hear  any  more  about 
it.  There's  the  St.  Francis  bus  now.' 

"Over  the  cobblestone-paved  streets  we  rode, 
past  a  pretty  little  park  and  up  to  the  front 
door  of  the  big  hotel.  The  pages  came  runnin' 
out  and  strippin'  us  of  our  luggage  and  every- 
thing that  was  loose.  At  the  desk  your  Uncle 
asked  how  much  they  would  tax  us  for  a  suite 
of  rooms  frontin'  on  the  park,  and  when  the 
clerk  named  a  price  that  would  have  bought  out- 
right a  small  bungalow  with  built-in  features, 
your  Uncle  took  it  for  a  month,  and  ordered  ice 
water  immediately. 

"The  clerk  called  a  page,  sayin,  'show  them 
to  341,  the  suite  with  the  twin  beds.'  'Hold  on,' 
said  your  Uncle,  'we  hain't  got  a  kid  of  any 
kind  with  us,  let  alone  twins.'  When  they  said 
the  twin  beds  was  for  us,  he  was  tickled,  sayin', 
'Mebby  now  I  won't  have  to  stick  my  feet  out  of 
bed  to  keep  'em  away  from  your  "Greenland's 
icy  mountains. "  * 


AUNT  PHOEBE  GOES  TO  'FBISCO   111 

"The  page  who  brought  us  ice  water  ad- 
dressed him  as  Colonel,  which  pleased  your 
Uncle  so  he  gave  him  a  dollar  tip  then  and  there. 

"  *  Wouldn't  it  have  been  cheaper  to  have 
taken  only  the  rooms  and  eaten  our  meals 
wherever ' 

"  *  There  you  go,'  he  interrupted,  before  1 
could  finish  my  speech.  'In  Eome  you  must  do 
as  the  Eomans  do,  and  San  Francisco  will  stand 
for  anything  but  a  tightwad.  It's  a  feelin' 
handed  down  from  the  days  of  'forty-nine  pe- 
riod when  a  man  was  considered  small  potatoes 
if  he  waited  for  the  change  from  a  five-dollar 
bill.' 

"  'I  thought  mebby  a  good  cafatery  would  be 
a  change,'  I  argued;  but  he  wouldn't  hear  to  it, 
sayin',  '  There  is  places  in  California  where 
slingin'  a  cafatery  tray  wouldn't  put  you  out  of 
runnin'  with  the  smart  set  entirely,  but  you  can't 
get  away  from  it  in  Frisco.  A  fellow  spends  his 
last  dollar  in  this  town  like  a  king,  and  if  he 
has  to  go  to  the  poorhouse  later  on,  he  goes  like 
a  gentleman.' 

"Seein'  'twas  no  use  to  argue,  I  gave  in  with 
a  sigh  and  went  to  bed.  The  next  morning  noth- 
ing would  do  your  Uncle  Hiram  but  to  have 


112    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

breakfast  in  our  room,  and  I  must  admit  it  is 
one  luxury  I  do  enjoy. 

"After  breakfast  I  had  my  hair  dressed,  and 
then  I  started  down  street  to  buy  some  new 
clothes.  I  got  along  alright  until  I  come  to  Mar- 
ket Street,  which  runs  catacornered  through  the 
city.  Instead  of  waitin'  until  a  lot  of  people 
formed  into  a  mass  for  mutual  protection  like 
we  do  in  Los  Angeles,  I  found  folks  runnin' 
here,  there,  and  everywhere  dodgin'  jitneys,  and 
getting  in  front  of  street  cars,  till  at  last  they 
landed  on  a  little  platform  where  the  cars  stop 
to  take  on  passengers.  It  looked  as  excitin'  as 
playin'  *  pussy  wants  a  corner.'  While  standing 
there  tryin'  to  make  up  my  mind  to  make  the 
plunge,  who  should  come  up  but  your  Uncle, 
who  took  in  the  situation  at  a  glance.  He  asked 
me  to  stay  there  a  few  minutes  and  went  on 
down  the  street.  In  a  few  minutes  a  taxicab 
drew  up  and  seated  inside  was  your  Uncle 
laughin'  at  the  joke  he  played  on  me. 

"When  I  got  back  from  shoppin'  a  la  taxi, 
and  went  to  my  room  to  dress  for  lunch,  I  found 
an  immense  bouquet  of  American  Beauty  roses. 
I  scolded  him  for  bein'  so  extravagant,  but  like 
every  other  foolish  woman  I  was  mighty 


AUNT  PHOEBE  GOES  TO  'FKISCO   113 

pleased.  Your  Uncle  put  on  his  best  clothes, 
and  I  put  on  the  new  things  I  had  bought,  and 
we  went  down  in  the  elevator  feelin'  pretty  well 
pleased  with  ourselves. 

"But  our  triumph  was  short  lived,  for  when 
we  stepped  into  the  dinin'  room,  who  should  we 
see  but  Caliope  Campbell,  Mrs.  Campbell  and 
the  twin  boys,  Silas  and  Sammy,  former  neigh- 
bors from  back  home,  honest  enough  folks,  but, 
oh,  so  green!  We  tried  to  let  on  like  we  didn't 
see  'em,  but  Caliope  waved  his  napkin,  made  a 
megaphone  out  of  his  hand,  and  called  to  us 
across  the  dinin'  room.  Everybody  looked  at 
him,  and  then  looked  at  us,  till  we  had  to  go  to 
him  to  stop  the  commotion  he  was  raisin'.  Noth- 
would  do  but  the  waiters  must  crowd  in  two 
more  chairs  with  them  and  I  wished  I  had  never 
heard  of  the  St.  Francis,  or  the  Campbells,  one 
or  the  other. 

"I  read  in  a  paper  once  where  the  old  aris- 
tocratic families  of  New  York  City  form  parties 
to  go  down  to  the  hotels  and  hear  the  newly  rich 
eat  soup,  and  I  couldn't  help  but  think  that  see- 
in'  the  Campbells  throw  back  their  heads  and 
eat  asparagus  with  their  fingers,  had  the  soup- 
eaters,  to  use  a  slang  expression,  'beaten  a  city 


114    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

block.'  The  way  Caliope 's  Adam's  apple  run 
up  and  down  his  neck  while  performin'  that  feat 
was  somethin'  awful.  Then  Caliope  got  to  tell- 
in  '  us  about  the  money  a  seventh  cousin  had 
died  and  left  him,  and  he  got  so  excited  he  swal- 
lowed a  sand  dab  bone  and  came  near  chokin' 
to  death.  Just  as  we  was  goin'  to  call  a  doctor, 
Mrs.  Campbell  happened  to  think  of  a  good  old 
remedy,  and  landed  a  blow  on  Caliope 's  back 
that  did  the  business  in  a  jiffy,  and  probably 
saved  him  to  eat  fish  another  day. 

"During  all  the  hullabaloo  the  waiter's  face 
never  changed  expression  any  more  than  one  of 
them  graven  images  we  see  out  at  the  exposition. 
He  filled  Caliope 's  glass  with  ice  water,  and  re- 
moved the  remains  of  the  unfortunate  sand  dab 
in  funereal  silence. 

"Things  hadn't  much  more'n  quieted  down 
from  the  fish-bone  episode  till  the  twins  com- 
menced to  fuss  over  which  one  was  a-goin'  to 
get  the  wish-bone  of  the  fried  chicken,  and  in 
the  squabble  they  upset  a  big  silver  pitcher  of 
hot  milk,  which  flooded  the  table  and  run  down 
on  my  new  silk  dress.  In  a  way  I  was  glad  it 
happened  for  the  waited  changed  us  to  another 
table. 


AUNT  PHOEBE  GOES  TO  'FBISCO   115 

"Your  Uncle  was  so  mortified  he  could  hardly 
finish  his  lunch,  sayin'  it  was  just  his  luck  when 
he  was  tryin'  to  do  something  a  little  extra  once 
in  his  life,  to  have  some  country  jake  follow  him 
up  and  spoil  everything.  'Mebby  they  won't 
stay  long,'  says  I,  tryin'  to  comfort  him.  'Yes, 
they  will,'  he  groaned;  'they'll  make  us  the 
laughin '-stock  of  this  hotel,  and  spoil  our  outing 
with  their  greenness.' 

"Now  that  I  had  time  to  look,  I  see  that  Mrs. 
Campbell  was  gotten  up  regardless,  in  a  black 
and  white  dress  with  checks  so  big  she  could 
hardly  show  off  the  pattern.  Being  still  of  an 
economical  turn  of  mind  in  spite  of  the  fortune 
the  Scotch  relation  had  left  'em,  she  had  utilized 
the  overflow  from  her  own  dress  to  make  Sammy 
and  Silas,  the  twin  boys,  each  a  pair  of  pants 
not  to  mention  an  auto  cap  and  a  butterfly  neck- 
tie worn  by  Caliope  hisself. 

"When  they  finished  eatin'  they  took  seats  in 
the  ladies'  parlow.  Next  to  Caliope  on  the 
couch  sat  a  proud,  stiff-lookin',  middle-aged  wo- 
man, dressed  in  the  latest  style  and  holdin'  her- 
self aloof  as  if  she  was  from  Boston  and  was 
sizin'  up  the  crowd  before  thawin'  out  and  bei/i* 
sociable. 


116    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"Caliope,  no  doubt  feelin'  relieved  that  he  had 
come  out  of  the  sand-dab  accident  so  well,  and 
feelin'  kindly  toward  all  the  world,  struck  up  a 
conversation  with  her,  sayin' : 

"  'How  do  you  like  the  cookin'  here! '  She 
faced  about,  an'  trainin'  her  eyeglass  on  him, 
stared  a  minute  and  said,  'Sir!'  Caliope  tried 
it  again,  sayin',  'Some  of  them  names  for  vict- 
uals printed  on  the  bill  was  regular  jaw-break- 
ers. Thought  I  was  orderin'  some  kind  of  a 
French  wine,  when  I  ordered  that  demitasse,  but 
I  got  jest  plain  coffee.  Did  it  fool  you,  too?' 
But  the  eyeglass  lady,  with  a  look  of  horror  on 
her  face,  had  fled,  and  Caliope,  turnin'  to  his 
wife,  remarked  calmly,  'I  guess  she  was  deaf,  or 
fureign,  or  somethin'.'  By  and  by  Caliope  went 
to  arrange  about  his  room,  and  to  our  relief,  we 
heard  the  clerk  tell  him  the  hotel  was  full. 

"Feelin'  a  little  ashamed  of  ourselves  about 
the  Campbells  (who  were  honest,  but,  oh,  so 
green),  we  promised  to  meet  'em  next  day  out 
on  the  Zone,  which  we  did." 


A  SLEEPING-BAG  EPISODE 


down  and  rest  a  while,"  said  Aunt 
Phoebe  to  her  niece  Mandy,  "and  I'll 
tell  you  about  your  'Uncle  Hiram's 
latest  fad.  It's  a  sleeping  bag  this  time. 

"He  tried  it  out  last  night  and  give  the  neigh- 
bors something  to  talk  about  the  rest  of  their 
lives. 

'  '  What  put  the  sleeping  bag  idea  into  his  head 
was  attending  a  lecture,  given  by  Prof.  Lin- 
strom  about  'the  Esquimau's  in  the  far  North,' 
up  at  Seattle  years  ago.  After  telling  about 
them  living  on  a  diet  of  whale  oil,  he  told  how 
they  slept  in  fur-lined  bags  made  from  the  skins 
of  the  polar  bears,  which  they  killed  with  spears. 
Then  he  went  on  and  told  how  he  himself  had 
slept  in  a  sleeping  bag  for  a  year  and  got  so 
big  and  strong  he  could  hardly  get  a  bag  big 
enough  to  cover  him. 

"  'Anyone,'  said  he,  'who  got  the  sleeping  bag 

117 


118    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

habit,  would  never  go  back  to  a  bed,  and  put  up 
with  insommy,  cold  feet  and  doctor's  bills.' 

"Well  he  went  on  like  that  for  an  hour  or 
more  tellin'  how  the  bags  were  made  and  every- 
thing. However,  I  was  only  mildly  interested, 
for  living  as  we  do,  in  a  mild  climate  a  fur  sleep- 
in'  bag  was  about  the  last  thing  I  was  pining 
for;  so  I  let  his  talk  go  in  one  ear  and  out  at 
the  other  like  lots  of  other  things  I  hear. 

' '  But  not  your  Uncle.  The  seeds  sown  by  that 
lecturer  fell  on  fertile  ground  as  it  were,  and 
needed  only  a  cold  snap  to  make  'em  sprout  and 
bring  forth  fruit,  in  the  shape  of  the  doings  we 
had  here  last  night. 

"But  to  get  back  to  my  story.  About  two 
o'clock  yesterday  your  Uncle  came  trampin 
into  the  sewing  room  where  I  was  fixing  some 
sash  curtains.  On  his  shoulder  he  carried  two 
big  buffalo  robes  that  had  been  packed  away  in 
the  garage  ever  since  we  lived  in  Californy. 
Your  Uncle  dumped  'em  down  on  the  floor  say- 
in,  'All  things  comes  to  them  that  wait,  even  a 
cold  snap  in  Californy. 

"  'Paper  warns  'em  to  get  out  smudge  pots 
in  the  orange  belt,  and  here  I  am,  Johnny  on  the 
spot  with  materials  for  a  sleeping  bag.  No  more 


A  SLEEPING  BAG  EPISODE        119 

insommy  or  your  cold  feet  while  this  weather 
lasts.' 

"  'Well,  of  all  things, '  says  I,  'do  you  want 
to  fill  the  house  with  hairs  and  fleas!' 

"  'Fleas  nothing/  he  answered,  'don't  you 
know  a  Californy  flea  is  a  discriminating  crit- 
ter? It 's  a  scientific  fact  that  he  can  tell  a  fresh 
touch-me-not  tourist  from  Boston  from  a  native 
Calif ornian  with  both  eyes  shut.  Ever  hear  any- 
body but  a  tourist  complain  of  fleas  ?  Ketch  'em 
roostin'  in  this  old  hide  when  there's  a  fresh 
tourist  hoppin'  off  the  train  every  minute. 

"  'Them  buffalo  hides  brings  back  old  times,' 
says  he  gazing  affectionately  at  them,  'and  if  I 
was  in  a  renimiscent  mood  I  could  spin  a  yarn 
about  that  buffalo  hunt  that  would  make  the 
magazine  editors  and  Teddy  Eoosevelt  set  up 
and  take  notice. 

"  'But  to  business.  I'll  put  one  skin  down 
on  the  floor  and  I'll  lay  down  on  it,  while  you 
take  the  garden  shears  and  snip  off  the  robe 
here  and  there,  so  as  to  make  it  conform  some- 
what to  the  general  coastline  of  my  anatomy. 
Don.t  need  any  Butterick  pattern  fer  a  job  like 
this,  according  to  that  lecturer.  Leave  an  open- 
ing at  the  top  for  my  head;  two  for  my  arms, 


120    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

and  two  for  my  feet.  Stitch  up  the  sides,  put  in 
a  draw  string  'round  the  neck,  and  there  you 
are.  Will  have  to  suit  the  bag  to  the  climate, 
though,  and  leave  the  hairy  side  out. ' 

"I  sighed.  He  looked  up  annoyed  like  and 
said:  'If  you're  a-goin'  to  pull  a  long  face  like 
that  and  sigh  like  a  vacuum  cleaner,  over  a  few 
stitches,  I'll  take  it  down  town  and  have  it  done. 
I  could  do  it  myself  if  I  could  manipulate  a 
thimble.' 

"I  see  he  was  hurt,  so  I  didn't  argue  any 
more ;  besides,  I'd  just  finished  readin'  an  article 
in  a  magazine  that  advised  all  married  wimen  to 
humor  their  husbands  in  all  their  little  idiotic 
notions,  and  then  get  even  by  having  their  own 
way  about  something  that  amounted  to  some- 
thing. 

"So  I  said  real  eheerful-like,  'Well,  stand  up 
or  lay  down,  and  get  measured  for  your  new 
suit.' 

"Well,  we  cut  and  sewed  and  fussed  and 
worked  until  finally  your  Uncle  clim  into  th& 
bag  and  I  pulled  the  puckerin'  string  around  his 
neck,  leavin'  only  the  top  of  his  head  sticking 
out.  When  he  pulled  his  skull  travelin'  cap 
down  over  his  ears  nothing  showed  but  his  nose 


A  SLEEPING  BAG  EPISODE       121 

and  a  bunch  of  whiskers.  (This  has  nothing  to 
do  with  the  story,  but  the  magazine  advice  to 
women  was  all  right.  After  the  bag  was  fin- 
ished he  handed  me  a  twenty-dollar  bill,  saying 
for  me  to  go  and  get  that  beaded  extention 
mouth  bag  that  I  was  hintin'  for  before  Christ- 
mas.) 

11  After  supper,  Tillie's  (the  house  maid) 
Swede  beau,  who  lives  in  San  Francisco,  tele^ 
phoned  from  the  depot  that  he  was  on  his  way 
to  San  Diego  and  was  stopping  off  on  Los  An- 
geles between  trains  and  comin'  by  to  see  her. 

"I  opened  the  door  for  him  and  a  more  bash- 
ful man  I  never  saw. 

"He  fell  over  a  rug  and  stepped  on  the  An- 
gora cat's  tail  and  bowed  to  everything  in  the 
room  but  me,  till  Tillie  came  to  his  rescue,  and 
took  him  off  to  a  picture  show. 

"No  sooner  had  they  gone  than  your  Uncle 
donned  his  sleeping  bag.  He  was  going  to  sleep 
on  the  bare  floor,  but  I  persuaded  him  to  try  a 
pillow  and  mattress  and  helped  him  fix  it  in  a 
corner  of  the  up-stairs  back  porch.  I  peeped 
out  on  him  an  hour  later  and  found  him  fast 
asleep. 


122    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"Perhaps  an  hour  later  I  was  awakened  out 
of  a  doze  by  someone  sayin',  'Lena,  Lena.' 

"From  the  light  in  Lena's  window  I  could  see 
it  was  her  beau  throwing  pebbles  at  her  window 
and  saying  something  in  broken  English  what 
sounded  like  ' overcoat.' 

"Lena,  tramping  around  getting  ready  for 
bed,  did  not  hear,  but  I  understood  he  had  left 
his  overcoat  in  the  kitchen. 

"Then  he  spied  a  ladder  leaning  up  against 
the  porch  and  thinking  to  reach  her  room  that 
way,  with  the  quickness  of  a  cat  he  ran  up  and 
vaulted  over  the  porch  railing  right  onto  your 
Uncle,  who  doubled  up  like  a  jack  knife  and 
grabbed  the  terrified  Swede  around  the  legs, 
bearing  him  to  the  floor. 

"Up  and  down  the  length  of  the  porch  they 
rolled  now  one  on  top  now  the  other.  Your 
Uncle  shouting  'burglar,'  and  the  Swede  saying 
something  that  sounded  like  'Lena'  and  'bear.' 

"At  last  the  Swede  gained  his  footing  and 
sprang  for  the  ladder,  but  your  Uncle  grabbed 
him  by  the  coat  tail  and  he  hung  suspended  over 
the  railin'  callin'  on  Lena  for  help. 

"By  this  time  the  nabers  were  roused  out  and 
when  somebody  said  'fire'  they  turned  on  the 


A  SLEEPING  BAG  EPISODE       123 

hose,  causin'  your  Uncle  to  loose  his  hold  on 
the  Swede  who  tumbled  down  the  ladder  and  if 
some  bourgon-villia's  hadn't  broke  his  fall  he 
might  have  been  killed. 

"By  this  time  the  fire  department  and  two 
policemen  were  on  the  scene,  not  to  say  any- 
thing of  the  neighbors,  wearing  every  thing  from 
pajamas  to  evening  clothes. 

"I  was  nearly  ready  to  collapse  with  shame — 
not  knowin'  how  in  the  world  we  was  goin'  to 
explain  matters  to  the  staring  crowd  that  over- 
flowed the  lawn  and  street.  But  your  Uncle, 
dressing  in  a  hurry,  only  smiled  and  said : 

"  'Cut  out  the  hysterics,  trust  Hiram  Harri- 
son to  rise  to  any  emergency.  I'll  fix  'em.' 

"  'You'll  do  wonders,'  says  I;  'I'll  never  hold 
up  my ' 

"But  he  cut  me  short  by  taking  me  by  the 
arm  and  marchin'  me  with  him  out  onto  the 
front  porch,  where  he  switched  on  the  light, 
bowed  to  the  audience  below  for  all  the  world 
like  a  President  at  the  White  House.  'Ladies 
and  gentlemen,  and  nabors,'  he  said,  'this  has 
been  a  night  of  surprises.  You  surprised  me 
by  your  presence,  and  I  surprised  you  by  al- 
lowing my  moving  picture  friends  to  stage  a 


124    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

little  comedy  on  my  back  porch,  in  which  a  tame 
bear  was  one  of  the  actors.  Anything  else  that 
has  seemed  strange  about  these  premises  just 
charge  it  up  to  the  movies.  And  any  one  who 
goes  to  the  "Lyric"  down  by  the  park  in  the 
next  twenty  minutes  gets  a  ticket  for  to-morrow 
night's  performance  free.  I'll  telephone  them 
while  you  are  on  the  way.  Good-night.' 

"The  crowd,  which  was  trampin'  down  the 
grass  and  flowers,  hurried  toward  the  theater 
and  the  nabers,  laughing  and  saying  the  joke 
was  on  them  and  that  they  never  would  get 
used  to  this  moving  picture  business,  went 
home. 

"By  this  time  Lena  had  the  half  frozen 
Swede  in  the  kitchen  thawing  him  out  by  the 
gas  oven. 

"She  was  explaining  things  to  him,  but  I 
guess  he  didn't  really  understand  for  when 
your  Uncle  appeared  suddenly  in  the  kitchen 
door  bearing  the  sleepin'  bag  on  his  shoulder, 
he  jumped  nearly  a  foot  and  come  near  scald- 
ing himself  with  hot  coffee. 

"As  we  was  gitting  ready  for  bed  your  Uncle 
said  boastingly:  'It  hain't  every  husband  who 
could  get  himself  and  wife  out  of  a  scrape  like 


A  SLEEPING  BAG  EPISODE        125 

I  did  to-night.  Own  up,  now,  Phoebe,  wasn't 
yon  surprised?' 

"  'I  was  indeed,'  says  I.  'I  never  suspected 
before  that  I'd  been  a-livin'  all  these  years 
with  snch  a  natural-born ' 

"  *  Diplomat,'  he  interrupted. 

"  'Well,  let  it  go  at  that,'  I  answered  sleepy- 
like;  but  diplomat  wasn't  the  word  I  intended 
to  use." 


THE   CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE 

\ 

IT  HAPPENED  IN  SAN   FKANCISCO 


(4  T    GUESS   I  never   told 

said  Aunt  Phoebe,  "  about  the  chance 

Caliope  Campbell  and  Mrs.  Campbell, 
an'  the  two  twin  boys  Silas  and  Sammy  once 
had  to  go  onto  the  vaudeville  stage. 

"Well,  it  happened  in  San  Francisco  when 
they  were  taking  in  the  Panama  Exposition  at 
the  same  time  we  were;  and  right  here  let  me 
digress  a  little  and  say  that  the  Campbells  are 
like  a  lot  of  other  people  in  this  world:  they 
have  no  originality  an'  follow  public  opinion 
like  sheep  followin'  the  leader.  In  this  respect 
the  daily  press  is  a  great  factor  for  good,  for 
they  are  generally  on  the  right  side  of  common 
sense  and  humanity  and  mold  the  opinions  of 
millions  of  persons  who  haven't  any  of  their 
own.  Take  the  optimistic  or  smilin'  fad  that 
had  a  run  a  few  years  ago.  Salesladies  and 
society  women  who  never  knew  before  what  a 

126 


THE  CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE  127 

spontaneous  laugh  was,  went  around  with  their 
mouths  stretched  clear  across  their  faces  in  an 
imitation  smile  even  when  they  had  a  tooth 
ache,  or  their  new  shoes  were  hurting  a  pet 
corn.  The  effect  was  ghastly.  Then  some  folks 
who  had  been  kickin'  little  kittens  and  puppies 
around  went  to  the  other  extreme  and  fed  them 
out  of  silver  spoons  when  humane  week  was  in- 
augurated and  everybody  was  talking  about 
kindness  to  dumb  animals. 

"Then  the  baby  fad,  when  folks  who  had  gone 
along  all  their  lives  thinking  them  a  necessary 
nuisance,  suddenly  sat  up  and  took  notice 
because  Eoosevelt  sidestepped  politics  long 
enough  to  air  his  views  on  the  subject.  Men  and 
women  got  hysterical  and  filled  our  daily  papers 
with  columns  of  baby  talk  till  'tis  said  Koose- 
velt  himself  got  sick  of  the  subject;  but  I  no* 
ticed  that  the  folks  who  did  the  most  talkin' 
about  *  angelic  childhood'  went  along  serenely 
unconscious  of  the  little  lame  newsboys  leanin' 
on  their  crutches  looking  with  tired,  pathetic 
eyes  at  the  fine  folks  in  their  limousines  who 
never  offered  them  money  to  go  to  a  hospital  to 
have  their  crooked  backs  and  twisted  limbs 
straightened  out  by  expert  medical  skill.  They 


128    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

were  too  busy  talkin'  to  practice  what  they  were 
preachin'. 

"But  to  get  back  to  the  Campbells,  they  were 
just  like  that.  The  exposition  had  been  goin'  on 
for  months  and  they  never  thought  of  going 
until  me  and  your  Uncle  went,  and  when  they 
got  there  they  had  to  come  to  the  Saint  Francis 
because  we  happened  to  be  there.  But  thank 
goodness  the  hotel  was  full  and  they  went  to 
the  Palace,  and  after  they  got  used  to  it  they 
liked  it,  and  Mrs.  Campbell  argues  to  this  day 
that  it  is  a  sweller  place  than  the  St.  Francis, 
on  account  of  that  long  parade-like  entrance 
where  you  can  show  off  your  new  clothes.  Be 
that  as  it  may,  I  was  glad  they  liked  it  for  rea- 
sons best  known  to  myself.  We  didn  't  see  them 
very  often  after  that  for  they  were  dreadfully 
afraid  to  cross  Market  Street,  as  well  they 
might  have  been,  for  to  my  thinkin'  crossing 
Broadway  in  Los  Angeles  is  like  walking  in 
your  back  yard  compared  to  crossin'  Market 
Street  in  San  Francisco. 

"But  at  last  Caliope  hit  on  a  scheme;  he 
bought  four  sizeable  flags,  and  after  that  each 
one  of  them  carried  a  flag  over  their  head  every 
time  they  crossed  a  street 


THE  CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE  129 

"He  said  they  hadn't  been  run  into  by  a  jit- 
ney after  they  adopted  the  flag  system,  and  even 
the  street  cars  set  up  and  took  notice  of  them; 
and  I  don't  wonder,  for  with  the  twins  dressed 
like  little  Indians  and  wearing  a  sort  of  harness 
to  keep  them  from  straying  away,  and  prancing 
along  playing  they  were  horses,  they  made  quite 
a  unique  little  parade. 

"A  policeman  halted  them,  but  Caliope,  who 
is  very  patriotic,  said:  'If  any  one  dast  touch 
their  flags  he  would  shoot  'em  on  the  spot.' 

"  Caliope 's  that  tender  hearted  he  hates  to 
use  a  fly-swatter,  but  the  bluff  worked  all  right. 
So  having  solved  the  problem  of  crossing  Mar- 
ket Street,  they  bore  down  on  us,  flags,  twins 
and  all,  the  night  before  they  went  home  from 
the  Fair. 

t '  There  was  a  musical  entertainment  going  on 
at  the  St.  Francis  that  evening,  much  to  the 
Campbells'  delight,  for  in  spite  of  their  green- 
ness they  are  good  musicians,  Mrs.  Campbell 
playing  the  piano  first  rate,  and  Caliope  certain- 
ly can  sing  good  for  a  man.  Even  back  home, 
years  ago,  when  they  were  so  poor  they  couldn't 
afford  anything  but  an  old  fiddle  and  a  second- 
hand organ,  they  managed  to  take  music  les- 


130    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

sons  from  the  best  teachers  to  be  had,  and  many 
a  discouraged  preacher  in  a  little  country 
church  has  welcomed  Mrs.  Campbell  to  play  the 
organ,  and  many  a  homesick  homesteader  was 
saved  from  giving  up  his  claim  and  going  back 
East  by  spending  an  evening  now  and  then  with 
the  musical  Campbells.  And  the  twins,  too,  sing 
like  birds. 

"When  we  came  down  from  our  rooms  they 
were  already  there  sitting  up  close  to  the  piano 
near  the  performers ;  but  alas !  you  could  have 
knocked  me  down  with  a  feather  for  they  were 
rigged  out  in  their  wedding  clothes  of  some 
twenty  years  before  from  head  to  foot.  It 
seems  in  the  heyday  of  their  honeymoon  they 
had  made  a  vow  to  each  other  to  wear  them  on 
their  wedding  anniversary,  no  matter  where 
they  happened  to  be,  and  now  that  I  see  them  I 
remembered  the  custom,  having  seen  them  thus 
arrayed  on  three  previous  occasions:  once  at 
a  county  fair,  once  at  a  church  supper,  and  the 
last  time  at  a  Bryan  political  meetin'. 

"The  twins  were  babies  then,  and  Caliope 
carried  them  both  so  Mrs.  Campbell  could  hold 
up  her  crinoline-lined,  white  landsdown  train. 
So  there  they  sat  with  her  big  sleeves  and  bask 


THE  CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE  131 

waist,  boned  after  the  style  of  the  day,  down 
below  her  hips,  making  her  waist  look  about  two 
feet  long.  I  must  admit  she  has  kept  her  figure 
better  than  most  of  us,  or  she  never  could  have 
gotten  into  that  bask  after  all  these  years.  And 
the  hat — it  was  awful !  But  I  remember  having 
one  just  like  it,  a  short  backed  sailor  set  upon  a 
six-inch  bando,  pitched  to  an  angle  of  forty-five 
degrees,  and  a  lot  of  mussy-looking  flowers 
sewed  under  the  brim  behind.  In  spite  of  all 
this,  I  must  say  she  looked  real  pretty.  Caliope, 
in  his  high  silk  hat,  Prince  Albert  coat  and  high 
collar,  didn't  look  so  bad;  which  leads  me  to  re- 
mark that  women  dress  more  ridiculous  than 
men  in  season,  and  out,  or  their  clothes  wouldn't 
look  so  ridiculous  after  they  are  out  of  style. 

" Anyway,  the  women  present  couldn't  keep 
their  eyes  off  Mrs.  Campbell,  and  when  one 
woman  laughed  another  stylish  woman  nudged 
her  and  said,  *  Don't  laugh  too  soon;  perhaps  it 
is  a  forerunner  of  some  new  Paris  styles — re- 
member how  we  got  fooled  when  that  Countess 
wore  her  dress  short  and  neck  cut  V-shape ;  this 
costume  looks  rather  Frenchy  to  me.' 

"Then  the  program  commenced.  A  young- 
ish, long-necked  man,  who  had  shaved  his  mus- 


132    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

tache  off  at  each  end  till  what  was  left  looked 
from  where  I  sat  like  a  black  button  under  his 
nose,  did  the  singing.  I  didn't  see  much  of  the 
lady  that  played  the  piano  but  her  back;  and  I 
never  knew  before  that  a  woman  could  show  so 
much  back  and  still  wear  a  waist. 

"By  and  by  the  man  with  the  button  mus- 
tache bowed  himself  out,  and  a  girl  dressed  like 
Pocahontas  sang  an  awfully  sweet  song  about 
'The  Land  of  the  Sky  Blue  Water.' 

"Another  dressed  in  a  Spanish  costume  with 
a  red  rose  in  her  hair  sang  '  Juanita,'  and  an- 
other girl  sang  about  the  *  Rosary.' 

"I  never  took  but  twelve  music  lessons,  and 
those  from  a  teacher  who  wasn't  certain  of  all 
the  notes  herself  at  first  sight,  so  I've  never  set 
myself  up  for  a  musical  critic,  therefore  having 
no  doubt  been  able  to  enjoy  a  lot  of  music  I 
might  have  missed  if  I  had  known  more 
about  it. 

"So  I  sat  there  enjoying  the  program  real 
well,  and  was  somewhat  surprised  to  hear  a  man 
sitting  behind  me  say  in  a  bored  tone  of  voice 
to  his  companion:  'Same  old  stuff;  pretty 
enough,  but  tame.  Overrun  with  such  artists  at 
the  office.' 


THE  CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE  133 

'  '  '  Surely, '  answered  his  companion, '  what  we 
are  on  the  outlook  for  all  the  time  and  don't 
find  it  once  a  year  is  some  good  musical  comedy 
stuff — not  the  alfalfa-whisker,  rube  stuff,  but 

something Oh,  I  can't  explain  what,  but 

I'd  know  it  if  I  saw  it.  Now  the  last  skit  we 
put  on ' 

"I  knew  by  this  time  they  were  theatrical 
men,  but  what  further  they  said  I  never  knew, 
for  at  this  instance  Caliope  rose  to  his  feet  and 
proposed  the  *  Star-Spangled  Banner.'  The 
twins  too  waved  their  flags,  while  he  drug  Mrs. 
Campbell  to  the  piano;  and  while  Mrs.  Camp- 
bell fairly  made  the  piano  talk,  the  twins  and 
Caliope  sang  the  old  song  till  I'm  sure  you  could 
have  heard  them  down  to  the  ferry.  When  they 
finished  folks  clapped  their  hands  and  called  for 
more,  and  they  sang  'The  Shade  of  the  Old  Ap- 
ple Tree'  and  <A  Hot  Time  in  the  Old  Town  To- 
night' and  'Annie  Laurie,'  in  which  Mrs.  Camp- 
bell joined. 

"A  lady  sitting  by  me  said  she  never  heard 
the  high  notes  in  'Annie  Laurie'  taken  any 
smoother;  and  still  they  applauded  and  called 
for  more.  After  singing  some  of  the  very  late 
songs,  they  sang  some  queer  Indian  songs;  not 


134    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

real  songs,  but  sort  of  Indian  lullabys  Caliope 
had  learned  from  the  Indians  first-hand.  Then 
he  imitated  a  raw  Swede  singing  'A  Perfect 
Day7  and  a  Jap  singing  'I  Love  You,  Califor- 
nia, '  which  fairly  brought  down  the  house ;  then 
wavin'  the  flags,  he  asked  them  all  to  join  in 
singing  'America,'  which  we  all  did  with  a 
hearty  good- will,  thus  closing  the  Campbells' 
impromptu  program. 

"When  the  music  stopped  Caliope  waved  his 
silk  hat  in  acknowledgment  of  the  applause,  and 
Mrs.  Campbell  ducked  her  head  toward  the 
piano  keys. 

' '  Then  I  heard  the  theatrical  man  behind  me 
saying,  'By  George!  if  that  don't  beat  the  dick- 
ens ;  they  certainly  put  that  little  skit  over  like 
finished  artists.  Something  classy  at  last.  Let's 
go  up  and  nail  them  at  any  price. ' 

"When  the  theatrical  men  made  Caliope  and 
his  family  an  offer  to  go  on  the  vaudeville  stage 
Caliope  was  raging  mad,  and,  shaking  his  fist 
under  their  noses,  told  them  he  would  go  back 
to  the  farm  and  raise  hog  and  hominy  before 
he'd  let  his  wife  go  on  the  stage  and  wear  act- 
ress things  and  maybe  break  up  a  happy  home. 
'No  siree,'  said  he,  shaking  his  fist  some  more, 


THE  CAMPBELLS  IN  VAUDEVILLE  135 

'I'll  give  you  to  understand  that  my  wife  ain't 
that  kind,  and,  besides,  she  might  get  her  death 
of  cold  dressing  for  the  stage.' 

"Finally  the  theatrical  man  gave  up  talking 
to  him  and  went  away,  remarking  to  his  com- 
panion that  it  was  'too  bad  that  most  artists  in 
any  line  let  drink  get  them.'  'A  little  booze,' 
said  he,  'no  doubt  helps  them  to  put  over  a  live- 
ly skit,  but  it  don't  put  them  in  a  proper  frame 
of  mind  to  talk  business  after  the  performance 
is  over.  We  will  see  him  in  the  morning.' 

"And  while  the  Campbells  were  horrified  at 
the  idea  of  going  on  the  stage,  ever  since  that 
night  Caliope  has  imagined  himself  a  second 
Caruso,  while  Mrs.  Campbell,  when  she  speaks 
of  it,  has  a  self-satisfied  smile  on  her  face  which 
says  plainer  than  words  that  Mrs.  Schumann- 
Heink  has  nothing  on  her." 


THE  CONTEST;  OE,  "POETKY  WHILE 
YOU  WAIT" 

f  g  fTl  HEEE  'S  a  new  occupation  for  women 
I  never  heard  of  before  coming  to  Cal- 
if ornia,"  said  Aunt  Phoebe  Harrison. 
"She  is  called  a  professional  entertainer,  and 
most  of  the  big  apartment  houses  and  hotels 
have  one.  The  proprietor,  acting  on  the  prin- 
ciple that  everybody's  lonesome  when  they  go  to 
a  strange  place,  hires  her  to  keep  the  guest 
amused;  and  believe  me  she  earns  her  money. 

"The  entertainer  is  usually  a  good-looker 
who  knows  how  to  use  her  tongue  and  eyes  at 
the  same  time. 

"She  sees  all  about  the  weekly  dances  and 
card  parties,  and  as  it  sometimes  happens  there 
are  ladies  in  the  house  who  neither  play  bridge 
nor  tango,  she  makes  them  think  they  are  not 
slighted  and  are  gettin'  their  money's  worth  by 
appointin'  them  hostesses  to  pour  tea  for  each 
other  in  the  amusement  room  once  a  week.  But 

136 


POETRY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        137 

where  she  really  shines  is  on  introducing,  and 
the  only  way  to  escape  this  ceremony  is  to  take 
the  freight  elevator  or  the  back  stairs.  We 
stayed  in  a  big  apartment  hotel  last  winter  for  a 
couple  of  months  while  we  were  having  our 
house  remodeled. 

"I  was  sitting  in  the  hotel  lobby  the  first 
night  I  was  there,  watching  the  folks  come  and 
go,  and  who  should  come  in  but  Squire  Lindsey, 
an  oldish  widower  from  back  home.  He  is  as 
tight  as  the  bark  on  a  tree,  also  an  anti-suffra- 
gette, and  has  it  figured  out  in  black  and  white 
that  a  woman  can  dress  modestly  and  well  on 
thirty  dollars  a  year;  besides  all  that,  he  is 
homely  and  grouchy.  When  the  entertainer  saw 
him  registerin'  she  swooped  down  on  him,  and 
as  soon  as  he  let  go  the  pen  she  caught  him  by 
the  arm,  and  swinging  him  around,  glanced  at 
his  name  on  the  register  and  proceeded  to  in- 
troduce him  to  a  pretty  movie  picture  actress 
who  was  getting  her  door  key  from  her  letter 
box. 

"The  actress,  who  was  always  on  the  outlook 
for  odd  characters  for  scenario  types,  chatted 
gayly  to  him  for  a  few  minutes,  and  the  squire, 
whom  I  had  known  most  of  my  life,  was  so 


138    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

dazed  and  tickled  he  walked  right  past  me  to 
the  elevator  without  recognizing  me  with  a 
sheepish  'it-wasn't-so-bad'  look  on  his  beaming 
countenance. 

"  There  is  another  type  of  woman  in  every 
apartment  house  I've  ever  been  in;  generally 
middle-aged,  sour-faced,  and  she  makes  it  her 
business  to  enlighten  all  newcomers  on  the 
shortcomings  of  the  rest  of  the  guests  in  the 
house.  "Well,  one  of  that  kind  was  sitting  by 
me  on  a  couch,  and  after  witnessin'  the  Squire 
episode  with  stern  disapproval,  she  said,  'That 
woman'  (meaning  the  entertainer)  *  would  in- 
troduce the  President  of  the  United  States  to 
the  elevator  boy;  she's  got  introducing  on  the 
brain,  and  the  worst  is  she  never  remembers 
any  one  for  five  minutes.  When  I  first  came 
here  she  introduced  me  five  times  to  the  same 
old  fellow,  and  he  got  so  he  would  run  through 
the  lobby  like  the  house  was  afire  if  he  see  either 
of  us.  She  introduced  the  wine  merchant  from 
Chicago  to  a  temperance  lecturer,  telling  them 
they  looked  so  congenial;  the  men  were  game, 
though,  and  talked  to  each  other  quite  a  spell. 
It  don't  matter  much,  though,'  she  continued, 
*for  most  of  the  folks  h^re  in  these  apartment 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        139 

houses  are  winter  tourists  from  the  Middle 
West,  and  what  they  are  too  green  to  catch  onto 
don't  hurt  them  any.' 

"  At  this  disparaging  remark  I  bridled  up  and 
said,  'Madam,  I  am  from  the  Middle  West  my- 
self, and ' 

"  'Sure,'  she  interrupted  me;  'no  need  to  tell 
me  that;  any  one  could  see  that  a  block  away/ 

"Before  I  could  answer  back,  she  grabbed  my 
arm  and,  looking  back  over  her  shoulder,  said, 
'There  comes  that  entertainer  now,  bringing 
some  old  codger  to  introduce  to  me;  I  am  go- 
ing ; '  then  she  went. 

"By  this  time  the  entertainer  was  by  my  side, 
saying,  'You  look  so  lonely!  I've  forgotten 
your  name,  but  I  want  to  introduce  you  to  Mr. 
Harrison,  who  is  looking  for  a  partner  to  play 
cards. '  We  bowed  to  each  other,  and  never  let 
on,  but  we  smiled  so  much  at  each  other  across 
the  card  table  we  had  to  tell  the  others  to  keep 
them  from  thinking  we  were  laughing  at  them. 

"Just  the  same,  we  had  an  awful  good  so- 
ciable time  at  that  apartment  house.  One  even- 
ing it  would  be  dancing ;  another  cards ;  another 
a  musical,  not  to  mention  dramatic  readings  and 
once  an  old-fashioned  spelling  bee.  Your  Uncle 


140    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

spelled  down  all  but  one,  and  lost  a  prize  when 
he  spelled  '  San  Joaquin'  wrong. 

"One  evening  it  rained  so  hard  folks  didn't 
dare  cross  the  street  to  a  picture  show,  much 
less  go  downtown;  folks  are  so  used  to  good 
weather  in  California  they  are  awful  restless 
and  peeved  if  they  are  kept  in  by  the  rain,  and 
the  entertainer  was  at  her  wits'  end  how  to 
amuse  them.  After  cudgeling  her  gray  matter 
for  some  time,  she  hit  on  the  idea  of  holding  a 
verse-writing  contest. 

"A  Mrs.  Grayson,  a  woman  who  lived  at  the 
hotel  and  had  made  quite  a  hit  as  a  local  poet- 
ess, offered  to  take  one  side,  and  a  pretty  little 
woman,  a  Miss  Leewood,  who  was  just  transient 
in  the  house  for  a  few  days,  took  the  other  side ; 
the  prize  was  one  of  them  new-fashioned  silver 
flower  holders  filled  with  California  poppies. 

"It  was  to  go  to  the  one  who  wrote  the  most 
and  best  verses  in  one  hour;  they  were  to  write 
two  kinds  of  poetry :  sentimental  and  humorous. 
To  settle  this  point,  they  drew  straws ;  the  sen- 
timental poetry  falling  to  Mrs.  Grayson  and  the 
humorous  to  Miss  Leewood.  They  both  looked 
pleased  and  took  their  seats  at  the  two  writing 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        141 

desks,  the  entertainer  rang  the  desk  bell,  and 
the  race  was  on. 

"The  rest  of  us  settled  down  to  play  cards, 
and  almost  before  we  knew  it  the  bell  rang 
again  and  the  hour  was  up.  Mrs.  Grayson  read 
her  poetry  first;  poor  woman!  she  was  almost 
scared  stiff,  and  had  to  hold  her  paper  with  both 
hands,  she  trembled  so.  She  called  her  first 
poem,  <A  POPPY  LEGEND;  OR,  THE  BEAUTIFUL 
HILLS  OF  MONTEREY': 

"  'In  the  early  days  of  the  West  so  golden, 

Where  men  for  the  love  of  gold  were  mad, 
There  lived  a  beautiful  Spanish  maiden 

Who  loved  a  handsome  sailor  lad. 
But  the  sea  to  him  was  ever  calling, 

And  'ere  he  answered  and  sailed  away 
These  lovers  met  where  the  golden  poppies 

Bloomed  sweet  on  the  hills  of  Monterey. 
There  they  lived  their  beautiful  love  dreams 
over 

As  they  wandered  far  'mid  flowery  dells, 
And  they  parted  not  till  the  purple  twilight 

Brought  the  music  sweet  of  mission  bells. 

"  'A  year  passed  by  and  found  her  waiting; 
Then  another  lover,  both  old  and  gray, 


142    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

Came  laden  with  gold  to  tempt  this  maiden 

From  the  beautiful  hills  of  Monterey. 
But  this  maid  was  true  to  her  sailor  lover, 

In  spite  of  her  father's  greed  for  gold; 
To  a  convent  cell,  so  sad  and  dreary, 

Went  this  pretty  maid  for  her  lover  bold. 
From  across  the  seas  came  a  message  telling 

Of  the  lover's  death  so  far  away, 
And  soon  she  slept  where  the  flowers  were 

blooming 
On  the  beautiful  hills  of  Monterey. 

"  'Once  a  year,  it  is  said,  when  the  moon  is 

shining 

And  the  gold-hued  poppies  hold  their  sway 
You  can  see  two  phantom  lovers  strolling 
O'er  the  beautiful  hills  of  Monterey.' 

"There  was  considerable  clapping,  and  the 
movie  actress  said  'twas  almost  a  synopsis  for 
a  scenario.  Then  she  read  the  other  poem  writ- 
ten in  sort  of  dialect  style.  She  called  this  one 
'THE  SONG  or  THE  WHIPPOEWILL': 

"  'Some  folks  can't  bear  to  hear  the  sound 
Of  the  restless,  murmuring  sea ; 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        143 

And  some,  they  hate  the  wood  dove's  moan, 

But  it 's  just  this  way  with  me : 
There's  nothing  quite  so  lonesome-like 

As  the  song  of  the  whipporwill 
When  it  floats  out  on  the  dusky  night 
From  its  home  on  the  wooded  hill. 

'It  makes  me  think  of  the  summer  nights 

When  me  and  my  brother  Jim 
Sat  on  the  steps  of  the  old  farmhouse 

'Mid  the  shadows  dark  and  grim. 
We  were  only  kids,  and  our  little  hearts 

Would  beat  with  a  nameless  fear, 
And  we  nestled  closer  to  mother's  feet 

While  she  whispered  " Mother's  near." 

'That  was  years  ago;  we've  wandered  since 

Far,  far  from  our  childhood's  home, 
Across  the  dreary  wastes  of  snow 

To  the  storm-lashed  shores  of  Nome. 
There  we  counted  o'er  our  golden  store 

And  we  talked  of  home  until 
The  roar  of  the  waves  seemed  to  mingle  with 

The  song  of  the  whippoorwill. 

<  We  reached  our  home  on  a  summer  night, — 
Found  a  stranger  at  the  door, 


144    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

Who  told  in  words  so  cruel,  cold 
That  our  mother  was  no  more. 

Too  stunned  to  move,  we  sat  us  down 
On  the  steps  in  the  moonlight  still, 

And  floating  up  from  a  bush  near  by 
Came  the  song  of  the  whippoorwill. 

"  'Was  it  only  the  moonbeams  bright 

Got  mixed  up  with  our  tears, 
Or  did  we  see  her  sitting  there 

As  in  the  bygone  years ! 
Was  it  an  echo  from  the  past, 

Or  did  we  really  hear 
A  voice,  as  the  night  wind  passed  us  by, 

Which  whispered,  " Mother's  near"?' 

"There  wasn't  quite  so  much  clapping  when 
Mrs.  Grayson  finished  reading  this  poem,  but  I 
noticed  several  of  the  older  ones  who  had  heard 
'The  Song  of  the  Whippoorwill  'in  their  child- 
hood wiping  their  eyes,  and  one  old  lady  said  it 
carried  her  back  to  her  old  home  in  the  East, 
and  made  her  so  homesick  that  she  was  going 
back  next  summer  if  the  mosquitoes  ate  her  up 
and  a  cyclone  blowed  her  into  the  next  county. 

"Then  Miss  Leewood  read  her  poems.     She 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        145 

didn't  tremble  any,  but  smiled  and  gestured, 
and  had  them  all  laughing  before  she  finished 
the  first  verse  of  her  poem  entitled, 

"'Two  GIRLS' 

"  i  There  was  a  girl  lived  in  our  town 

And  she  was  wondrous  wise 
On  every  subject  'neath  the  sun, 
From  votes  to  knitting  ties. 

"  'For  magazines  and  papers,  too, 

She  would  write  a  page  or  more, 
And  at  the  biggest  Women's  Clubs 
She  always  had  the  floor. 

"  '  Another  girl  lived  in  our  town, 

She  could  neither  write  nor  preach; 
But  when  she  passed  by  with  a  smile 
The  men  said,  "What  a  peach!" 

"  'Now  the  moral  to  this  little  tale 

I've  pointed  out  with  pains : 
The  last  thing  that  a  man  requires 
In  his  lady-love  is  brains.' 

"Everybody  laughed  and  applauded,  and  she 
read  on;  this  piece  she  called 


146    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"  'THE  SPLIT  IN  THE  PAKTY' 

"  'Now  pretty  Miss  Styles  for  Congress  would 

run; 

She  was  clever  and  witty— not  flirty, 
But  her  party  it  split  on  one  little  thing, 
And  that  was  the  slit  in  her  skirty. 

"  1A  committee  upon  this  fair  lady  did  call, 

And  gave  her  some  pointers — to  wit : 
While  the  public  admired  both  her  beauty 

and  brains, 
It  never  would  stand  for  that  slit. 

"  'But  at  the  next  meeting  they  greet  her  with 

smiles, 

And  cheer  for  their  choice  long  and  hearty, 
For   she   had  been  busy  with  needle   and 

thread 
And  had  closed  up  the  split  in  the  party. 

"  <  "If  elected,"  quoth  she,  "I  will  dress  as  I 

please," 
(And  she  laughed  to  herself  good  and 

hearty) ; 
"With  a  pair  of  sharp  shears  I'll  get  busy  at 

once 
And  reopen  the  split  in  the  party."  ' 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT        147 

"Everybody  laughed  again,  and  the  movie 
actress  said  it  would  make  a  good  little  skit  (if 
set  to  music)  for  the  Orpheum.  Squire  Lindsey 
said  the  Suffergetts  would  be  the  undoing  of 
California  yet,  and  everybody  else  said  it  was 
cute  and  ought  to  be  sent  to  Eoosevelt ;  and  then 
she  read  her  last  one,  which  to  my  mind  was 
the  best  of  all.  It  was  entitled, 

"  <OUT  CALIFOKNIA  WAY' 
"  'I  used  to  tell  old  Uncle  Ben 

Big  yarns  I'd  heard  or  read; 
But  now  my  biggest,  wildest  tales 

Just  fall  as  flat  as  lead, 
For  he  took  a  tourist  trip  out  West, 

Come  back  most  wise  and  gay, 
An'  talks,  an'  talks  "  'Bout  what  he  see 
Out  Calif orny  way." 

'  '  '  One  night  I  talked  till  it  was  late, 

A-tryin'  to  explain 
'Bout  a  sort  of  airship  I  see  once 

Back  in  the  State  of  Maine. 
When  I  got  through,  he  laughed  and  asked 

If  I  took  him  for  a  jay — 
He  see  a  Frenchman  fly  for  hours 

Out  Calif  orny  way. 


148    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

"  'When  I'd  brag  of  early  garden  sass 

With  the  frost  all  out  the  ground, 
He'd  smile  and  say  they  had  sich  things 

Out  there  the  whole  year  round. 
Of  the  biggest  and  the  littlest  things 

He'd  tell  about  all  day 
Till  he  had  them  seven  wonders  beat 

Out  Calif  orny  way. 

"  'So  I  laid  to  and  lied  a  streak 

'Bout  things  I'd  heard  and  read; 
He  listened  with  a  twinklin'  eye 

Then  lit  his  pipe  and  said : 
"Fur  an  amatoor,  them  yarns  hain't  bad — 

I  used  to  think  'em  gay ; 
But  I've  heard  some  classy  lyin'  sence 

Out  Calif  orny  way.' '  ' 

"Then  amid  lots  of  hand  clapping  and  laugh- 
ing and  talking  a  committee  of  three  was  ap- 
pointed (your  Uncle  being  one)  to  vote  on  the 
poetry. 

"Of  course  Miss  Leewood  got  the  prize,  and 
everybody  made  over  her  and  copied  her  poems 
off,  as  she  was  takin'  the  boat  for  San  Fran- 
cisco next  day. 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT       149 

"Mrs.  Gray  son  stood  around  for  a  while,  and 
nobody  but  myself  and  the  old  lady  who  cried 
about  the  whippoorwill  poem  offered  her  any 
congratulations  on  her  poems. 

"When  we  were  safely  up  in  our  apartment. 
I  taxed  your  Uncle  with  voting  against  Mrs. 
Grayson;  he  is  crazy  about  humorous  verses, 
and  has  an  idea  that  he  himself  would  be  a  sec- 
ond Walt  Mason  if  he  'd  take  up  the  business  of 
writing  humorous  verses  seriously. 

"  'I  felt  sorry  for  Mrs.  Grayson,'  says  I;  'all 
her  poems  needed  was  polishing  up;  it  took 
Gray  fourteen  years  to  polish  up  his  "Eligy  in 
a  Country  Churchyard."  ' 

"  'Excuse  me,'  says  your  Uncle,  'from  sitting 
around  in  a  graveyard  fourteen  years  polishin' 
up  any  pome.  Nice  living  I  would  make  in  these 
days  of  high  livin',  sellin'  a  poem  every  four- 
teen years!' 

"  '  'Twas  the  reading  of  them  that  took  the 
prize.  If  Miss ' 

"  'Now,  Phoebe,'  says  he,  interrupting  my 
speech,  'how  long  since  did  you  qualify  as  a  lit- 
erary critic?  Maybe  you  could  get  a  job  on  one 
of  the  big  Eastern  magazines.  I  heard  a  lec- 
turer say  once  that  it  was  just  as  a  magazine 


150    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

editor  happened  to  feel,  whether  a  book  looked 
good  to  him  or  not.  He  said  a  critic  friend  of 
his  tore  a  "New  Thought"  book  all  to  pieces 
once  because  his  mother-in-law  had  bored  him 
to  extinction  on  the  subject  during  a  recent 
lengthy  visit.  Another  time  after  he  had  been 
practicin'  "Eat  and  grow  thin"  on  weak  soup 
and  turnips  for  a  month,  another  book  that 
wasn't  worth  the  paper  it  was  written  on  hap- 
pened along  advisin'  folks  to  eat  three  square 
meals  a  day.  That  magazine  editor  was  so  hun- 
gry for  just  victuals,  he  boomed  that  book  to 
the  skies.  Now  because  you  happen  to  like  Mrs. 
Grayson  personally  you  think  any  sentimental, 
gushy  thing  she  writes  is  better  than  those  snap- 
py little  things  that  Miss  Leewood  dashed  off.' 

"  'Well,'  says  I,  'you  must  admit  Mrs.  Gray- 
son  acted  the  lady  about  it  when  she  lost.  If 
you  could  see  how  some  of  the  society  women 

act  toward  each  other  over  bridge  prizes ' 

but  your  Uncle,  who  had  copied  Miss  Leewood 's 
poems,  was  reading  them  over  and  wasn't  lis- 
tening to  me  at  all,  so  I  quit  talking  and  went 
to  bed. 

"I  thought  the  poetry  contest  incident  closed, 
but  the  next  evening  Mrs.  Grayson  came  smiling 


POETEY  WHILE  YOU  WAIT       151 

into  the  lobby,  carrying  in  her  hand  a  small 
volume  of  humorous  verses  which  some  one  had 
collected  from  different  authors  and  printed  in 
a  book;  and  there  were  the  dashed-off  humor- 
ous verses  Miss  Leewood  had  claimed  as  her 
own,  the  real  writer  being  a  friend  of  Mrs. 
Gray  son's  living  out  Wilshire  way.  The  most 
wonderful  part  of  it  was  Mrs.  Grayson  knew  it 
all  the  time,  while  everybody  was  petting  Miss 
Leewood  for  her  original  verses. " 


CTJKIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN 

THE   FORBIDDEN   GARDEN 

T    COULD  spend  a  week  in  that  Golden 
Gate  Museum  in  San  Francisco  and  not 
see  all  the  curious  and  interestin'  things 
then,"  said  Aunt  Phoebe  Harrison. 

"The  statues  in  white  marble  of  women  that 
adorned  the  entrance  was  beautiful  if  not  ex- 
actly true  to  nature.  Why  the  average  artist 
will  stand  up  for  nature  a  la  natural  and  call 
his  figures  'Studies  from  Life,'  and  then  pre- 
sent to  an  admirin'  world  a  female  statue  of  a 
woman  with  a  face  about  as  big  as  a  teacup, 
narrow  shoulders  and  broad  hips  all  out  of  pro- 
portion with  the  rest  of  the  figure,  is  beyond  me. 
But  that  is  what  they  invariably  do.  'The 
proper  study  of  mankind  is  man';  so,  applyin' 
that  principle  to  the  subject  at  hand,  I  compared 
the  statue  with  the  real  live  flesh-and-blood 
woman  who  stood  admirin*  her. 

"Standin'  at  my  side  and  gazin'  at  the  marble 
figure  in  stern  disapproval,  stood  a  woman.  Her 

152 


CUEIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN  153 

hips  came  up  to  the  artist's  specifications,  all 
right,  but  to  balance  them  she  had  broad  shoul- 
ders and  the  jaws  of  a  prize  fighter. 

"The  next  one  had  a  little  teacup  face,  but 
no  hips  to  speak  of,  and  her  height  wasn't 
more'n  half  that  of  the  statue's.  And  so  it  went. 
I  spoke  to  your  Uncle  about  it,  and  he  said: 

"  'The  trouble  is,  every  woman  thinks  the 
statue's  wrong  if  it  don't  happen  to  be  an  exact 
copy  of  her  own  figger.  Now,  how  would 
you ' 

"  'Let's  go  and  see  the  mummies,'  says  I; 
'there's  a  mummy  woman  in  there  more  than 
three  thousand  years  old.' 

"She  was  awfully  well  preserved,  and  gazin* 
at  her,  your  Uncle  said: 

"  'Three  thousand  years  old  and  ain't  afraid 
to  tell  it,  neither.  Another  thing, '  he  continued : 
'she's  the  first  woman  I  ever  see  that  I  could 
truthfully  tell  she  didn't  look  half  her  age  and 
not  lie.  I  heard  a  man  at  that  big  reception  tell 
a  woman  with  an  enameled  face  and  a  three-ply 
chin  and  a  dress  cut  V  behind  and  before,  that 
she  didn't  look  half  her  age.  This  mummy 
hain't  got  any  more  wrinkles,  and ' 

"  'Never  mind  the  wrinkles,  come  and  look  al 


154    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

this  old  sleigh  they  used  in  olden  times  with 
just  room  for  one  passenger.' 

"  'One  passenger,  nothin'!"  laughed  your 
Uncle  Hiram.  'Young  folks  were  young  folks 
in  them  days,  too,  and  I'll  wager  the  old  sleigh 
has  carried  double  many  a  time  and  could  tell 
some  tales  if  it  could  talk.  Them  old  rockin'- 
chairs  they  had  when  we  was  young  were  not 
made  to  carry  double,  either,  but  one  that  hadn't 
at  some  time  or  other  done  so  would  be  a  fit 
subject  for  a  museum.' 

"Then  we  looked  at  pistols,  guns,  knives, 
clubs,  suits  of  armor,  and  goodness  knows  what 
all  connected  with  war. 

"I'll  bet  some  of  them  fellows  engaged  in 
them  European  wars  would  like  to  have  had 
some  of  them  armors  between  themselves  and 
the  bullets,  if  it  wasn't  a  disgrace  to  wear  such 
things  nowadays. 

'  *  Then  we  saw  Japanese  vases,  Chinese  gods, 
coronation  chairs,  old  Colonial  furniture,  and 
then  we  went  upstairs  to  see  the  natural  history 
part.  My!  I  never  knew  there  was  so  many 
birds  in  my  life  before.  One  case  of  hummin' 
birds  was  beautiful,  and  the  pea  fowls  and 
pheasants  were  gorgeous. 


CURIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN  155 

"  'Same  old  story,'  said  your  Uncle;  'the 
males  are  the  prettiest  everywhere.' 

"  'Exceptin'  men,'  says  I. 

"And  the  eggs;  hummin'  bird  eggs  as  big  as 
a  pea,  and  a  giant  egg  that  the  card  said  would 
hold  two  gallons  of  water. 

"  'Ought  to  make  a  good  one-egg  cake  you're 
always  readin'  about,'  says  your  Uncle,  marvel- 
ing at  its  size.  'I'd  like  to  see  the  hen  that 
laid  it.' 

"After  we  had  been  lookin'  around  the  Mu- 
seum for  a  couple  of  hours,  your  Uncle  took  a 
sudden  notion  to  go  out  to  the  Fair  grounds, 
arguin'  that  the  Museum  was  there  for  all  time, 
but  if  we  wanted  to  see  the  wonders  of  the  Ex- 
position, we  must  'do  it  now.'  So  we  went  out 
and  had  our  lunch  at  the  Inside  Inn.  While 
settin'  on  the  verandah  smokin',  your  Uncle  fell 
into  conversation  with  a  man  from  Pasadena. 
He  was  a  good-lookin'  man  about  forty  years 
old,  and  he  told  your  Uncle  he  was  gettin'  a 
long-needed  rest,  'doin'  the  Exposition  all  by 
himself. ' 

"  'I  reckon  you're  a  bachelor  or  a  widower?' 
queried  your  Uncle. 

"  'Not  that  any  one  can  notice,'  replied  the 


156    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

man.  'I've  got  my  third  wife  and  her  two 
grown  daughters,  and  my  two  grown  daughters 
and  a  mother-in-law  livin'  with  me.  They  are 
all  perfectly  good  women,  too.  I  hain't  sayin' 
a  word  against  them,  but  I'm  tired  of  women, 
for  besides  havin'  so  many  of  my  own,  Pasa- 
dena's overrun  with  them.  I  hear  they  have  a 
Forbidden  Garden  right  in  the  heart  of  the  Ex- 
position grounds,  copied  from  the  Forbidden 
Garden  at  the  Santa  Barbara  Mission ;  no  wom- 
an ever  set  foot  in  that  Garden,  and  never  will. 
I'm  a-going  to  make  that  Garden  my  headquar- 
ters,' said  the  man  from  Pasadena. 

•  "  I  know  it  was  weak  and  foolish,  but  try  as  I 
would,  I  couldn't  get  that  'Forbidden  Garden,' 
standin'  in  the  center  of  that  women-crowded 
Exposition  City,  out  of  my  mind.  I  mentioned 
it  casually  to  your  Uncle,  and  he  said : 

"  '  Phoebe,  I  thought  you  was  one  woman 
without  any  morbid  curiosity  in  your  system. 
But  I  see  you  are  like  all  the  rest ;  because  poor 
man  has  taken  this  one  last  stand  against  wom- 
an, you  would  rather  take  a  peep  into  this  one 
Forbidden  Garden  than  to  see  all  the  rest  of  the 
Exposition.  Hain't  I  right?' 

11  'You  are,'  I  answered;  'but  that's  not  get- 


CUEIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN  157 

tin'  me  in,  and  you  surely  won't  think  of  goin* 
without  me.' 

"Well,  to  get  my  mind  off  the  subject,  we 
went  in  to  see  the  Panama  Canal.  A  man 
showed  us  how  to  step  into  the  movin'  seats 
without  breakin'  our  necks,  and  then  he  told 
your  Uncle  to  hitch  a  couple  of  ear  trumepts 
that  were  fastened  to  the  seats  onto  his  ears. 

"  'I'm  not  so  all-fired  deef  that  I've  got  to 
be  double-trumpeted,'  said  your  Uncle,  highly 
insulted. 

"I  looked  about  me  to  see  what  folks  would 
think  of  such  talk,  and  to  my  surprise  every- 
body had  the  double  trumpets  over  their  ears, 
listening.  When  we  see  our  mistake,  we  put 
them  on,  too,  and  we  could  hear  a  lecture  on  the 
Panama  Canal  as  plain  as  day,  like  a  telephone. 
I  reckon  it  was  grand — the  vice-president  said 
so,  and  your  Uncle  said  so,  and  the  spieler  on 
the  outside  said  so,  too — but  my  mind  wan- 
dered, and  for  the  life  of  me  I  couldn't  get  that 
*  Forbidden  Garden'  out  of  my  head.  I  put  my 
ear  trumpets  down  to  ask  your  Uncle  if  he  sup- 
posed they  made  the  men  who  entered  it  take  a 
vow  not  to  tell  even  their  wives  what  was  in 
the  Garden,  but  he  had  his  ears  glued  to  them 


158    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

things  with  an  expression  on  his  face  that  told 
plainer  than  words  that  the  lecture  listened  good 
to  him. 

"  'Where  next?'  said  your  Uncle,  when  we 
reached  the  Zone  again. 

"  Eight  across  the  street  was  a  big  sign  which 
read:  ' LAUGH  AND  GROW  FAT,'  and  while  the  fat 
part  of  didn't  appeal  to  me,  the  laughin'  part 
did,  for  then  mebby  I'd  forget  about  that ' For- 
bidden Garden.' 

"  'What  ails  you,  Phoebe?'  said  your  Uncle, 
noticin'  my  abstracted  air. 

"  'Mebby  you  might  bribe  the  doorkeeper,' 
said  I. 

"Your  Uncle  looked  at  me  in  amazement, 
thinkin'  I  meant  the  doorkeeper  at  the  'LAUGH 
AND  GROW  FAT'  concession.  When  he  found  out 
I  meant  the  keeper  at  the  gate  of  the  'Forbid- 
den Garden,'  he  was  scandalized  to  think  he  had 
a  wife  who  would  harbor  such  a  thought. 

"  'I  don't  reckon,'  says  he,  'that  they  are  any 
more  interestin'  than  the  Marine  Gardens  at 
Catalina,  Busch's  Garden  in  Pasadena,  or  even 
the  German  Beer  Garden  in  Grand  Island;  but 
just  because  it  says  "Forbidden"  you  women 


CUBIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN  159 
can't  rest  about  this  one.     "Curiosity,  your 


name  is  woman." 


"The  racket  that  was  goin'  on  inside  of 
Laughland  was  enough  to  make  one  forget  even 
their  own  name,  let  alone  a  Forbidden  Garden. 
Because  he  paid  to  get  in  and  didn't  want  to  be 
done  out  of  his  money,  your  Uncle  tried  to  do 
things  he  never  would  have  dreamed  of  doin' 
any  place  else,  and  there  was  plenty  more  just 
like  him.  I  refused  to  risk  any  such  foolishness 
as  walkin'  rollin'  logs,  jumpin'  trap-doors,  and 
climbin'  revolvin'  stairs,  so  I  sat  down  calmly 
on  a  stool  that  didn't  do  a  thing  but  jump  up 
and  whirl  around,  and  scairt  me  so  they  all 
laughed.  I  watched  a  nice,  plump,  middle-aged 
woman  patiently  climb  the  stairs  where  the 
steps  jerked  somethin'  awful.  She  had  nearly 
reached  the  top  when  your  Uncle  started  in,  and 
bein'  nimble  on  his  legs,  he  went  up  two  steps 
at  a  jump  till  he  reached  the  step  above  the 
woman.  Just  as  he  passed  her  the  stairs  gave 
an  extra  hard  jolt,  and  losin'  her  holt  on  the 
railin',  she  grabbed  your  Uncle  by  the  leg  and 
they  both  came  thump-a-te-thump  down  the 
stairs  together.  By  the  time  I  reached  the  stairs 


160    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

they  were  settin'  on  the  floor  glarin'  at  each 
other  and  rubbin'  their  bruises. 

"  'If  you  had  a  spark  of  manhood  about  you, 
you'd  apologize/  she  scolded,  shakin'  her  bro- 
ken umbrella  under  his  nose. 

"Your  Uncle  grabbed  his  hat  and  my  arm  and 
startin'  for  the  door,  said,  'Some  women  are  too 
blamed  unreasonable  to  argue  with. ' 

"By  and  by  we  gave  way  to  let  a  parade  of 
cowboys  and  girls,  Indian  squaws,  and  what-not 
pass  by.  It  looked  interesting  so  we  went  in  to 
see  what  was  goin'  on  inside.  I  can't  say 
whether  the  show  was  a  real  or  imitation  picture 
of  life  on  the  plains  in  the  early  days,  but  I  do 
know  that  no  lover  of  horses  should  have  missed 
it.  About  a  hundred  horses  danced,  waltzed  and 
tangoed.  Where  we  stayed  in  an  apartment 
house  last  winter  your  Uncle  took  dancin'  les- 
sons for  fun,  and  learned  all  the  latest  dances  in 
no  time,  of  which  he  is  real  proud,  so  to  tease 
him,  I  said : 

"  'I  don't  think  tangoin'  is  such  an  awful 
trick  if  a  horse  can  learn  it. ' 

"Before  he  could  answer  back,  an  old  over- 
land stage  was  held  up  by  Indians,  and  a  horse, 
a  little  beauty,  let  on  as  if  it  was  shot  and  then 


CURIOSITY,  THY  NAME  IS  WOMAN  161 

got  up  and  limped  away.  When  the  smoke  had 
cleared  away,  a  lot  of  Indians  brought  out  a 
Buffalo  robe,  and  spreadin'  it  on  the  ground,  set 
a  buffalo  head  on  it,  like  as  if  'twas  just  killed. 
Then  they  had  a  buffalo  dance.  Some  of  the  In- 
dian men  sashaed  around  a  little  bit,  but  the 
squaws  jumped  up  and  down.  The  little  pap- 
pooses  were  the  cutest.  A  buffalo  hunt  conclud- 
ed the  entertainment. 

"  *I  guess  I'll  have  time  to  see  the  Forbidden 
Gardens/  said  your  Uncle,  lookin'  at  his  watch 
as  we  left  the  show.  'You  can  go  as  near  as 
women  are  allowed  and  wait  for  me. ' 

"By  and  by  we  come  to  a  place  all  walled 
round  with  cedar  trees  and  vines.  I  tried  to 
peep  through,  but  your  Uncle  was  so  ashamed  of 
my  actions  that  I  gave  it  up,  but  my  mind  was 
active  picturin'  the  inside.  It  hurt  my  feelings 
to  think  all  the  wonderful  sights  and  strange 
deeds  that  had  transpired  within  the  walls  of 
this  'Forbidden  Garden'  was  a  sealed  book  to  all 
womankind. 

"When  we  come  to  the  place  with  the  notice, 
*  Forbidden  Garden, '  written  over  it,  your  Uncle 
motioned  me  back,  an  important  'lord-of -crea- 
tion' look  on  his  face.  Then  I  heard  a  woman's 


162    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

laugh.  I  caught  a  glimpse  of  a  woman's  gown, 
and  in  a  second  I  brushed  by  your  Uncle,  an' 
stood  looking  not  at  the  mysterious  wonders  my 
mind  had  conjured  up,  but  at  an  innocent  little 
flower  garden,  walled  in  with  livin'  green. 

"Then  who  should  I  see  comin'  down  one  of 
the  flower-bordered  walks  but  the  woman-tired 
man  from  Pasadena.  When  he  see  me  he  gave  a 
start,  and  with  a  smile  on  his  face  he  drew  the 
pretty  woman  who  was  hangin'  onto  his  arm 
into  a  rose  arbor  and  I  heard  him  say : 

'  '  '  There  she  is ;  you  pay  for  the  dinner.  Bet- 
tin'  on  a  woman's  curiosity  is  a  sure  thing.  I'll 
try  it  on  some  other  woman  to-morrow.' 

"I  learned  afterward  that  he  had  charge  of 
the  ' Forbidden  Gardens,'  and  just  played  that 
joke  on  the  women  to  help  pass  the  time  away, 
but  just  the  same  I  call  it  a  real  mean  trick." 


SEEING  SEATTLE 

//A     FTEE  me  and  your  Uncle  finished  our 

/-%     visit  in  San  Francisco,"  said  Aunt 

Phoebe,  "he  took  a  sudden  notion  to 

go  visitin'  to  Herman  Harrison's,  who  had 

moved  to  Seattle  from  the  Oak  Knoll  county 

some  years  ago. 

*  '  Say,  we  just  had  another  wonderful  trip,  and 
I  got  another  crick  in  my  neck  from  tryin'  to  see 
the  wonderful  panorama  of  forest,  waterfalls, 
and  snow-clad  mountains,  spread  out  on  each 
side  of  the  car  windows,  at  the  same  time. 

"If  I  could  write  a  scenario,  I'd  write  a 
Christmas  fairy  tale,  and  lay  the  scenes  amid 
the  big  evergreen  forests  of  Washington.  I  could 
just  imagine  Santa  dashin  'around  among  those 
trees  with  his  reindeers,  and  the  fairies  playin' 
hide-an'-seek  behind  the  big  ferns. 

"In  the  section  next  to  us  on  the  Pullman  was 
a  couple  from  Seattle  who  had  been  spendin*  the 
winter  in  California.  The  man  had  a  bad  cold 

163 


164    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

and  was  in  a  presimistic  mood.  Your  Uncle 
helped  him  settle  his  baggage,  after  the  porter 
made  up  his  berth,  and  offered  him  part  of  his 
California  Eucaliptus  cough  tablets,  so  they  fell 
into  conversation  and,  incidentally,  into  an  ar- 
gument. 

"  'From  California,  I  reckon?'  inquired  your 
Uncle,  openin'  up  the  conversation. 

"The  Seattle  man  glared  at  him,  and  an- 
swered in  a  croakin'  whisper,  'Not  on  your  life; 
I'm  sick/ 

"What  on  earth  bein'  sick  had  to  do  with  his 
not  bein'  from  California,  I  dont'  know,  but  af- 
ter a  pause  he  continued,  'I'll  be  all  right  when 
I  get  up  where  the  atmsophere  is  washed. ' 

"  'Washed!'  echoed  your  Uncle,  lookin' 
puzzled,  and  the  Seattle  man  continued : 

"  'Yes,  washed!  If  some  one  would  patent 
something  to  take  the  dust  out  of  the  air  and  put 
it  on  the  ground,  you'd  have  better  crops  in  Cal- 
ifornia. Now,  up  in  Seattle  the  rain  keeps  the 
dust  on  the  ground  where  it  belongs. ' 

"  'Speakin'  of  rain,'  smiled  your  Uncle,  're- 
minds me  of  a  story  I  heard  about  Seattle  the 
other  day.  A  drunk  man  landed  there  one  rainy 
evening  and  stood  on  a  street  corner  leanin' 


SEEING  SEATTLE  165 

against  a  lamp  post,  watching  the  crowds  cross 
the  watery  street ;  after  a  bit  a  policeman  come 
along  and  took  him  by  the  arm  to  take  him  to 
jail.  The  drunk  man  pulled  back,  and  pointing 
to  the  flooded  street,  said:  " Never  mind  me, 
save  the  wimen  and  children  first ;  I  can  swim. ' '  ' 

"The  Seattle  man  and  his  wife  never  cracked 
a  smile,  and  he  sarcastically  remarked  that  it 
was  a  'cheap  joke.' 

"  'Sure,'  agreed  your  Uncle,  'I'm  not  charg- 
in'  you  a  cent  for  it.' 

"To  change  the  subject  from  climate,  that 
stirs  up  more  fusses  than  prohibition,  woman 
suffrage  and  Billy  Sunday  all  put  together,  I 
asked  them  if  they  had  ever  met  the  Harrisons. 
The  woman  lifted  her  eyes  up  languidly  from 
the  magazine  she  had  pretended  to  be  readin' 
when  your  Uncle  was  tellin'  his  joke,  and  an- 
swered : 

"  'I  think  not  are  they  in  society?' 

"I  was  about  to  admit  that  I  didn't  know, 
when  your  Uncle,  swelling  with  pride,  chimed 
in: 

"  'I  reckon  they  are.  They  led  the  smart  set 
in  the  Oak  Knoll  district  when  they  lived  down 
there.' 


166    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

"  'Oh,  indeed!'  was  the  noncommittal  answer. 
'But  I  never  heard  of  them  in  Seattle  society/ 

"  'Yes,'  continued  your  Uncle,  nettled  at  the 
interference,  'the  Harrisons  are  pretty  apt  to  be 
mingling  with  the  swell  set  wherever  they  are. 
Only  last  week  Herman  wrote  that  he  had  been 
to  a  banquet  the  night  before  and  met  Mayor 
Fish/ 

"  'Fish!'  echoed  the  Seattle  man,  looking  as- 
tonished. 'I  guess  that  banquet  must  have  gone 
to  your  friend's  head.  Never  heard  of  a  Se- 
attle Mayor  named  Fish,  and  I've  known  them 
all  from  Harry  White  down  to  Hiram  Gill ' 

"  'Gill!'  interrupted  your  Uncle;  'that's  the 
name.  Knew  it  was  something  about  fish,  any- 
way.' 

"  'What  was  the  name  of  that  noted  woman 
Herman's  wife  said  a  party  of  'em  went  to  see, 
and  she  gave  them  her  photo  and  they  had  it 
copied  in  oil  for  the  den.  Had  a  title  of  some 
sort.  Do  you  remember,  Phoebe!'  asked  your 
Uncle. 

"  'The  Princess  Angilina,'  I  answered. 

"Where  the  joke  came  in  I  couldn't  for  the 
life  of  me  see,  but  the  Seattle  couple  fairly  held 
their  sides  with  laughter.  And  they  wouldn't 


SEEING  SEATTLE  167 

tell  us,  saying  we  would  find  out  when  we  got  to 
Seattle. 

"  After  they  went  to  lunch  I  said,  'Mebby  the 
Princess  was  a  little  gay — or  something  but 
your  Uncle  poohooed  the  idea,  and  said  the  gay- 
er the  better,  if  she  only  had  a  handle  to  her 
name. 

"  *A  real  live  Prince,  or  Princess,'  said  he, 
'like  a  King,  could  do  no  harm  that  would  keep 
them  out  of  society.  As  George  Ade  says,  "I 
bet  they  never  was  in  smelling  distance  of  roy- 
alty. "  Trust  Herman's  wife  to  know  who's 
who.' 

"By  this  time  the  Seattle  couple  had  re- 
turned, and  in  the  excitement  of  crossing  the 
California  line  into  Oregon,  the  Princess  Angi- 
lina  episode  faded  from  our  minds.  As  the 
train  stopped  on  the  border,  I  saw  a  man  stand- 
ing near  a  little  tent  where  they  sold  sand- 
wiches, with  a  suit  case  full  of  pint  bottles 
marked  '  Tea. '  He  acted  suspiciously,  and  when 
the  men  passed  him  on  their  way  to  the  sand- 
wich tent  he  would  wink  at  them  and  say  '  Tea '  ? 

"The  train  only  stopped  ten  minutes,  but  the 
tea  man  did  a  rushing  business  at  a  dollar  a 
pint.  One  man  bought  three  bottles.  Your 


168    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOKNIA] 

Uncle  took  a  sudden  notion  and  nearly  tramped 
every  corn  I  had  off  my  foot  in  his  haste  to  get 
a  bottle  too. 

"  'Why,'  says  I,  astonished  at  his  behavior, 
'you  always  hated  tea.  What  makes  it  so 
high!' 

"  'The  war!'  he  snapped  back  at  me,  as  he 
sped  down  the  aisle. 

"He  nearly  missed  the  train,  but  cautiously 
extracting  the  bottle  from  his  pocket  he  slid  it 
into  the  suit  case,  remarkin'  in  a  low  voice  that 
he  was  fixed  now  if  he  had  one  of  his  coughin* 
spells  in  the  night  in  a  prohibition  State. 

"  'Cold  tea's  a  new  remedy  for '  I  com- 
menced, but  he  tramped  on  my  foot  and  said : 

"  'Some  folks  never  catch  on  until  they're 

) 9 

"A  commotion  from  the  man  who  had  bought 
three  bottles  cut  short  your  uncle's  remarks. 
He  was  standin'  in  front  of  the  open  window 
and  was  firing  one  bottle  after  another  at  the 
man  who  had  sold  them  to  him.  One  bottle  hit 
the  man  on  his  head  and  knocked  off  his  hat; 
the  other  two  bottles  went  wide  of  the  mark,  for 
the  fellow,  empty  suit  case  in  hand,  was  a  quar- 
ter of  a  mile  away  and  runnin'  for  dear  life. 


SEEING  SEATTLE  169 

The  men  all  looked  sheepishly  at  each  other, 
and  it  dawned  on  me  at  last  that  they  thought 
they  were  buying  something  better  for  a  cold 
than  strong  tea. 

"Your  Uncle  looked  so  ashamed  tliat  I  felt 
sorry  for  him  and  saved  the  day  by  telling  him 
to  take  the  thermo  bottle  to  the  diner  and  get 
me  some  hot  water  for  my  tea.  With  a  grate- 
ful look  at  me,  he  hastened  to  do  my  bidding. 
As  he  passed  along  the  aisle,  every  man  who 
had  bought  a  bottle  of  tea  winked  at  him.  By 
and  by  a  man  proposed  they  have  a  Boston  Tea 
Party  and  throw  the  bottled  tea  overboard,  in 
which  they  all  joined  and  threw  it  overboard 
with  hearty  good-will. 

"Well,  Herman  and  his  wife  met  us  at  the 
big  station  in  Seattle.  They  seemed  awful  glad 
to  see  us,  and  Herman's  wife  complimented  me 
on  my  new  traveling  suit  (relations  are  glad  to 
see  you  in  any  old  clothes,  no  doubt,  but  I  no- 
tice it  never  makes  them  mad  if  you  are  dressed 
up  pretty  well). 

"They  were  just  bubblin'  over  with  the  Se- 
attle spirit  (not  spirits),  and  both  talked  at 
once,  and  pointed  out  all  the  places  of  interest 
on  our  way  to  that  beautiful  hotel,  the  New 


170    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

Washington,  where  Herman  and  his  wife  were 
makin'  their  home. 

"  After  restin'  up  a  while,  we  started  out  to 
see  the  sights,  sometimes  alone  and  sometimes 
with  Herman.  "We  went  sailin'  on  that  lovely 
bottomless  Lake  Washington;  we  spent  hours 
in  the  evergreen  parks,  and  let  me  say  right 
here  the  parks  of  California  can't  compare  with 
the  parks  of  Seattle,  where  nature  and  art  are 
combined.  But,  after  all,  it's  the  soft,  gentle 
rains,  that  every  Seattleite  goes  around  with  a 
chip  on  his  shoulder  about,  that  makes  them  so 
beautiful. 

"Then  we  took  a  trip  to  Snoqualmia  Falls, 
more  wonderful,  in  a  way,  than  Niagary,  and 
admired  the  green  hills  covered  with  giant 
ferns.  Then  Herman  took  us  up  in  an  elevator 
in  what  seemed  to  me  the  highest  building  in 
the  world,  and  showed  us  a  snow-clad  mountain 
gleaming  pink  in  the  sunshine.  He  said  it  was 
Mount  Eanier,  and  a  funny  thing  about  it  is 
that  a  man  whom  we  knew  to  be  very  truthful 
told  us  it  was  Mt.  Tacoma. 

"As  my  San  Francisco  clothes  were  new, 
Herman's  wife  and  I  went  out  a  good  deal  in  a 
social  way.  We  met  all  kinds  of  women — pro- 


SEEING  SEATTLE  171 

fessional,  club  and  society — but  I  never  saw  or 
heard  of  the  woman  who  came  up  with  us  on 
the  train.  Neither  did  I  catch  as  much  as  a 
glimpse  of  the  Princess  Angeline.  Several 
times  I  was  on  the  point  of  askin'  Herman's 
wife  about  her,  but  something,  I  guess  the  way 
the  Seattle  couple  on  the  train  laughed,  held  me 
back. 

"One  day  I  was  in  a  book  store  looking  over 
some  post  cards  and  booklets.  On  the  outside 
of  one  pretty  little  booklet  was  the  picture  of 
an  old  wrinkled  Indian  woman  with  a  red  hand- 
kerchief tied  over  her  head.  The  name  under 
the  picture  was  '  The  Princess  Angelina,  daugh- 
ter of  Chief  Seattle';  then  it  flashed  over  me  in 
an  instant  the  reason  the  Seattle  couple  laughed 
so  heartily. 

"I  bought  the  booklet  to  show  your  Uncle, 
and  this  is  what  it  says  about  her  : 

"  'PKINCESS   ANGELINA 

"  'Concerning  a  Noted  Character  of  the  Siwash 

Tribe 

11  'I  shall  never  forget  the  first  time  I  saw 
the  Princess  Angelina.  She  was  seated  flat  on 


172    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

the  stone  pavement  on  one  of  the  principal 
streets  of  Seattle,  contentedly  chewing  a  banana 
and  stoically  regarding  the  curious  glances  of 
the  passing  throng. 

"  *  A  quaint  figure  was  the  princess  as  she  sat 
there ;  a  dull  red  shawl  was  worn  over  her  shoul- 
ders, and  a  bright  red  cotton  handkerchief  tied 
tightly  under  her  chin  adorned  her  head.  A 
few  gray  locks,  blown  by  the  gentle  breezes  of 
Puget  Sound,  played  about  her  face,  a  face 
once  said  to  be  comely,  according  to  the  Indian 
standard  of  beauty,  but  now  furrowed  and  aged 
by  the  hand  of  time.  A  small  gaily-colored  sack, 
or  bag,  woven  from  reeds  and  grasses  by  some 
cunning  hand  of  the  Siwash  tribe,  hung  sus- 
pended over  her  shoulders.  Into  this  bag  she 
put  whatever  articles  of  food  or  wearing  ap- 
parel she  might  covet  from  the  stock  displayed 
for  sale  by  the  merchants,  and  without  pay,  for 
the  Princess  was  a  privileged  character  in  this 
city  by  the  sea. 

"  'It  was  during  a  visit  to  one  of  the  famous 
hop  ranches,  near  Seattle,  that  I  again  saw  An- 
gelina. She  had  wandered  away  from  the  busy 
streets  of  the  city  to  visit  her  dwindling  tribe, 
who  had  come  to  work  in  the  hop  fields. 


SEEING  SEATTLE  173 

"  'It  was  a  lovely  summer  morning;  the  long 
rows  of  hop  vines,  green  and  fragrant,  seemed 
to  be  stretching  away  to  meet  the  first  rays  of 
the  sun,  now  reflecting  rosy  and  pink  the  snow- 
clad  heights  of  Mount  Banier. 

"  'Angelina's  face  was  turned  toward  the 
mountain,  and  her  fading  sight  was  looking 
upon  a  scene  familiar  to  her  for  more  than  half 
a  century.  The  Indians — men,  women,  and  lit- 
tle copper-colored  children — were  soon  busy 
with  their  fragrant  task,  and  with  the  exception 
of  an  old  man,  half  white,  half  Indian,  I  was 
alone  with  the  Princess. 

"  '  Whether  she  resented  my  questioning  her 
or  whether  her  mind  was  busy  with  the  past,  I 
do  not  know,  but  she  did  not  answer  by  word  or 
sign,  and  never  withdrew  her  gaze  from  the 
wonderful  scene  of  transfiguration  which  was 
being  enacted  among  the  clouds  and  mists  of 
Mount  Eanier. 

11  'The  old  man  soon  told  me  it  was  useless 
to  talk  to  Angelina  in  her  present  mood,  so  af- 
ter some  persuasive  words  and  a  few  coins  he 
himself  told  me  her  story. 

"  '  "  Years  before  the  coming  of  the  white 
man,"  he  said,  "the  Siwash  tribe  of  Indians 


174    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

lived  in  peace  along  the  beautiful  shores  of  Lake 
Washington  and  Puget  Sound. 

"  '  "Then  the  white  man  came  and  built  his 
home  upon  the  hills  near  by.  The  Indians 
looked  on  in  fear  at  first,  but  soon  decided,  in  a 
council  of  war,  to  make  a  night  attack  and  kill 
the  sleeping  inhabitants  of  the  little  village. 

"  '  "  Angelina  and  her  father  Sealth,  or  Chief 
Seattle,  as  the  white  men  called  him,  knew  of 
the  plan,  and  determined  to  save  the  lives  of 
the  white  men,  even  at  the  risk  of  their  own. 

"  *  "One  night  a  canoe  glided  across  the  wa- 
ters and  soon  warned  the  people  of  their  dan- 
ger. In  the  fight  that  followed,  Angelina's 
lover,  a  young  Siwash  brave,  was  killed,  and  af- 
terward she  was  forced  to  marry  another,  who 
beat  her  because  she,  a  princess,  would  not  work 
in  the  fields  to  get  the  white  man  's  firewater  for 
him.  It  is  sometimes  whispered  around  the 
camp  fires  that  Angelina  afterward  regretted 
saving  the  lives  of  the  white  folks  at  the  ex- 
pense of  her  lover's  life;  but,  true  or  not,  it  is 
known  to  all  that  Angelina  has  never  been 
known  to  smile  since  her  lover's  death. 

"  '  "But  the  pioneers  of  half  a  century  ago 


SEEING  SEATTLE  175 

remembered  the  brave  deed,  and  Angelina  has 
been  to  them  the  ' Daughter  of  Seattle.'  " 

"  'A  year  later  I  stood  beside  her  grave  in 
the  beautiful  cemetery  which  overlooks  the 
quiet  waters  and  woodland  dells  near  by. 

"  *A  carved  stone,  resembling  a  trunk  of  the 
forest  trees  she  loved  so  well,  marks  her  last 
resting-place.  A  smooth  place  on  one  side  of 
the  roughened  stone  bears  the  legend: 

ANGELINA, 

•Daughter  of  Chief  Seattle. 


A  HUMAN   DOOE-MAT 

ffOI  0  you  like  my  furs,  too,  do  you, 
L^  Handy?"  said  Aunt  Phoebe  to  her 
niece.  "Well,  they  are  handsome — 
much  handsomer  than  anything  in  the  way  of 
furs  that  I  ever  expected  to  own.  I'll  have  to 
tell  you  how  your  Uncle  happened  to  open  up 
his  heart  and  his  pocketbook  at  the  same  time 
and  buy  'em  for  me.  Well,  it  all  come  from  him 
tryin'  another  one  of  them  new  fads — not  ex- 
actly  a  health  fad,  but  something  along  them 
lines.  Now,  there's  nobody  believes  any  more'n 
I  do  in  folks  gettin'  out  of  old  ruts  into  new, 
but  all  the  same  I  go  a  little  slow  on  tryin'  out 
everything  I  see  in  print;  spoiled  a  whole  bas- 
ket of  the  nicest  pears  you  ever  see  last  fall  by 
following  a  recete  I  found  in  a  woman 's  column 
of  a  paper.  Common  sense  told  me  nothin' 
short  of  a  merical  could  keep  pears  that  hadn't 
been  heated  up  from  spoilin';  but  I'll  know 
next  time  that  sugar  and  cold  water  poured 

176 


A  HUMAN  DOOR-MAT  177 

over  raw  fruit  don't  keep  it  much  more'n  over- 
night. 

"No,  Mandy,  with  due  regard  to  the  papers, 
I  must  say  I  don't  swallow  everything  I  see  in 
print  like  your  Uncle  does.  For  the  last  year 
I  think  he  must  have  averaged  a  fad  a  month, 
taken  from  some  paper  or  magazine.  He  tried 
that  Fletcherizin'  food  fad  till  it  got  on  my 
nerves.  Nine  chews  and  a  swallow,  nine  chews 
and  a  swallow.  I  didn't  mind  it  so  much  when 
he  was  eatin'  solid  victuals,  but  nine  chews  and 
a  swallow  when  he  was  eatin'  soup  was  a  little 
too  much. 

"Then  that  bathin'  fad  he  took  up  with,  to 
keep  from  takin'  cold;  holdin'  onto  his  left  ear 
with  his  right  hand,  or  holdin'  onto  his  right 
ear  with  his  left  hand,  to  create  an  electrical 
circuit  through  his  body,  was  about  the  silliest 
idee  I  ever  heard  tell  of.  If  I'd  'a'  suggested 
it,  he  would  have  told  me  to  mind  my  own  busi- 
ness. Then  he  read  in  the  health  department 
about  goin'  back  to  nature  for  health  hints,  giv- 
in'  as  an  example  the  tired  work  horse  who,  in- 
stead of  takin'  a  drink  of  licker  or  somethin'  to 
brace  him  up  after  a  hard  day's  work,  proceeds 
to  roll  over  and  over  as  soon  as  the  harness  is 


178    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

taken  from  his  back.  Well,  your  Uncle  tried 
even  that;  he  was  ashamed  to  try  it  in  the  bed- 
room before  me,  so  he  sneaked  out  in  the  livin' 
room.  I  heard  a  queer  thrashin'  noise,  and  lis- 
tened. Then  I  heard  an  awful  crash  and  groans. 
I  rushed  out  and  switchin'  on  the  light  I  saw  in 
a  second  what  had  happened.  He  had  kicked 
the  pedestal  over  and  knocked  a  heavy  statue 
that  was  settin'  on  it  over  onto  himself  and 
nearly  crushed  the  breath  out  of  him.  I  got  him 
into  bed,  and  rubbed  him  with  arnica,  but  he 
was  cross  and  stiff  and  sore  for  a  week.  He 
didn't  take  up  with  any  more  nature  cures  for 
a  while,  although  you  couldn  't  hardly  blame  the 
man  who  wrote  it,  for  him  kickin'  the  pedestal 
over. 

"The  last  fad  he  tried  out  wasn't  exactly  a 
health  fad,  although  the  author  claimed  that 
happiness  is  health,  and  health  is  happiness. 
Such  a  theory,  though,  accordin'  to  my  reason- 
ing, is  open  to  debate,  for  some  of  the  healthiest 
folks  I  ever  saw  went  round  with  the  longest 
faces,  and  some  frail  ones  radiated  sunshine 
wherever  they  went. 

"Be  that  as  it  may,  the  piece  I  am  referrin' 
to  was  an  article  headed,  'How  to  Be  Happy  by 


A  HUMAN  DOOE-MAT  179 

Makin'  a  Human  Door-Mat  of  Yourself.'  It 
went  on  and  told  how  you  could  change  your- 
self over  frum  a  grouch  to  the  happiest  mortel 
on  this  green  footstool  by  followin'  the  writer's 
advice  for  one  day;  said  advice  bein'  as  follows : 
"  'Start  out  in  the  mornin',  as  soon  as  you 
wake  up,  by  makin'  a  resolution  that  for  this 
one  day  you  will  make  a  human  door-mat  of 
yourself.  If  you  have  been  plumin'  yourself  all 
along  that  you  have  certain  inailnable  rights 
that  others  are  bound  to  respect — forget  it.  Get 
the  thought  that  for  this  one  day  the  whole  end 
and  aim  of  your  existence  is  to  be  tolerated  by 
the  nabers,  and  to  be  bossed  around  by  your 
wife.  Set  down  an'  think,  what  have  you  ever 
done,  anyway,  to  deserve  a  wife  and  treat  her 
accordin'.  Stop  thinkin'  that  any  one  ought  to 
be  good  to  you,  and  get  a  move  on  yourself  be- 
in'  good  to  others,  even  to  helpin'  your  servant 
you  are  payin'  out  good  hard  cash  to.  What 
right  have  you  to  a  servant,  anyway?  Speak 
gently,  kindly,  to  every  one,  even  to  the  fellow 
who  is  standin'  on  your  pet  corn  in  a  street  car. 
and  if  you  go  a  step  further  and  pay  his  car- 
fare, observe  the  joyous  sensation  chasm'  up 
and  down  your  anatomy.  If  a  youngster  in- 


180    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

sists  on  standin'  up  in  the  car  seat  to  look  out 
of  the  window,  and  wipes  the  mud  and  tar  off 
his  shoes  onto  your  pants,  just  home  from  the 
cleaner's,  turn  the  other  leg  and  give  him  a 
clean  place  to  wipe  on. 

"  'By  thusly  makin'  a  door-mat  out  of  your- 
self,' said  the  writer,  'you  would  be  reduced  to 
such  a  state  of  ecstatic  bliss  by  bedtime  that 
you  wouldn't  know  whether  you  was  sleepin'  on 
a  couch  of  hummin'  birds'  down  or  an  apart- 
ment house  foldin'-bed.'  Well,  your  Uncle  set 
up  far  into  the  night  readin'  and  studyin'  that 
'Human  Door-Mat'  piece,  and  all  unbeknownst 
to  me  makin'  resolutions  to  try  it  on  himself 
the  very  next  day.  When  I  called  to  him,  'Ain't 
you  never  comin'  to  bed?'  he  answered  back  as 
cranky  and  natural  as  life,  'If  I  had  two  bits, 
Phoebe,  for  every  time  you've  asked  that  fool 
question,  I'd  be  a  bloated  millionaire  by  now. 
I  guess  the  bed  hain't  a-goin'  to  run  away.' 
Hearin'  him  talk  so  natural  the  last  thing  be- 
fore I  fell  asleep,  and  bein'  in  the  dark  about 
what  he  was  readin',  I  was  entirely  unprepared 
when  he  come  smilin'  into  the  breakfast  room 
the  next  morning,  and,  bowin'  low,  said,  'Good 
mornin',  Pheba.  I  hope  you  rested  well.'  I 


A  HUMAN  DOOR-MAT  181 

was  so  surprised  I  come  nigh  lettin'  the  coffee 
pot  of  hot  coffee  spill  onto  the  cat,  and  my  first 
thought  on  landin'  it  safe  on  the  table  was  that 
your  Uncle  had  taken  an  overdose  of  bitters, 
and  my  second  thought  was  that  they  dasent  put 
licker  into  it  any  more.  What  my  third  thought 
was  I  don't  reckolect,  for  your  uncle,  still  smil- 
ing come  on  across  the  room  toward  the  break- 
fast table,  makin'  a  detour  so  as  not  to  disturb 
the  cat,  which  he  usually  assisted  out  of  his  way 
with  his  foot.  Beauty,  sensin'  something  un- 
usual in  your  Uncle's  actions,  quit  washin'  his 
face  and  with  one  paw  arrested  in  midair 
watched  him  suspiciously.  I  must  have  looked 
my  astonishment  at  his  unusual  consideration, 
for  your  Uncle,  glancin'  in  his  direction,  quoted : 

"  'For  ever'  critter  I  show  my  love, 
Be  it  a  pussy,  or  be  it  a  dove.' 

"We  had  griddle  cakes  for  breakfast  that 
morning.  Maggie,  the  hired  girl,  never  could 
bake  'em  to  suit  him,  so  to  keep  down  a  fuss  and 
mebby  lose  her,  I  baked  his  while  he  ate,  and 
then  Maggie  done  the  same  for  me.  But  this 
mornin',  after  placin'  a  chair  for  me,  he  says, 


182    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

'Now,  Pheba,  you  set  down  and  eat  with  me 
while  Maggie  bakes  for  us  both.'  A  wild  idee 
that  mebby  'twas  our  annaversary  er  somethin' 
came  into  my  head,  but  when  he  added,  'Then 
I'll  take  holt  and  bake  for  her ;  turn  about 's  fair 
play,'  all  sorts  of  idees  about  sudden  insanity 
and  such  things  came  surgin'  through  my  brain. 
To  hide  my  agetation,  I  took  the  coffee  pot  and 
started  back  to  the  kitchen,  where  Maggie,  who 
had  been  hanging  onto  the  dining  room  door 
jam  listening,  sidled  up  to  me  and  said,  *I  foncy 
the  moster  is  putting  some  joke  hover  us.' 

"Just  as  I  got  back  to  the  dining  room,  the 
doorbell  rung.  Your  uncle  answered  it ;  a  half- 
grown  boy  was  gettin*  subscribers  for  a  paper; 
your  uncle  signed  for  it  several  years  ahead, 
and  the  overjoyed  boy  was  so  excited  he  left 
part  of  his  papers  on  the  table.  Your  Uncle 
Hiram  run  out  after  him  with  them,  but  the  boy 
took  to  his  heels  when  he  see  him,  no  doubt 
thinkin'  he  was  a-goin'  to  countermand  his 
order. 

"True  to  his  promise,  he  went  to  the  kitchen 
and  insisted  on  bakin'  cakes  for  Maggie.  He 
filled  the  griddle  full  to  overflowin'  with  the 
batter,  an'  callin'  on  us  to  look,  tried  to  turn  it 


A  HUMAN  DOOR-MAT  183 

by  a  sleight-of-hand  trick  he  see  some  one  at  a 
show  do  once,  by  throwin'  the  cake  into  the  air, 
expecting  of  course,  to  ketch  it  batter  side  down 
on  the  griddle.  Instead,  it  landed  batter  side 
down  on  the  floor,  and  Maggie,  who  had  been 
watchin'  the  performance  in  fear  and  wonder, 
fled  to  her  room  and  locked  the  door  after  her. 
Leaving  the  kitchen,  he  went  out  and  got  the 
paper  and  for  the  first  time  in  his  life  offered 
me  the  front  page.  He  hadn't  much  more'n  got 
his  specks  out  and  settled  in  his  morris  chair 
with  the  paper  than  he  spied  old  Miss  Reming- 
ton's old  speckled  hen  scratchin'  up  some  choice 
bulbs  in  the  flower  bed. 

"For  a  year  an'  more  there  had  been  bad 
feelin's  between  your  Uncle  and  Miss  Reming- 
ton on  account  of  said  hen  flyin'  over  the  hedge 
and  scratchin'  up  his  flowers,  so  at  last  he  give 
her  fair  warnin'  that  if  he  ever  caught  her 
scratchin'  round  again,  he'd  wring  'er  neck 
(the  hen's,  of  course)  and  take  'er  by  the  legs 
and  sling  'er  over  the  hedge  back  home.  So 
when  I  see  him  makin'  for  the  hen,  I  was  ready 
for  almost  any  sort  of  a  scene  between  'em,  an' 
so  I  guess  was  Miss  Remington,  who  come  hur- 
ryin'  across  the  lawn  to  tiie  ten's  rescue.  When 


184    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

she  got  there  she  found  your  Uncle  humming, 
'Oh,  hen,  you're  a  beautiful  creature,'  and  feed- 
in'  her  sunflower  seeds. 

"Grabbin'  the  hen  in  her  apern,  and  lookin' 
at  the  sunflower  seeds  as  if  they'd  been  soaked 
in  poizen,  she  hurried  back  home,  scratchin'  her 
thin  hair  under  her  false  transformer  and  doin' 
some  hard  thinkin'.  Whatever  she  figgered  out 
about  your  Uncle's  curious  actions  I  don't 
know;  but  this  I  do  know:  Old  speck  had  her 
tail  and  wing  feathers  clipped  off  clost  up  be- 
fore she  was  an  hour  older,  and  Miss  Reming- 
ton spent  most  of  her  time  for  days  afterwards 
watchin'  your  Uncle  out  of  her  kitchin  winder. 

"As  for  me,  I  was  pretty  badly  worried  by 
this  time,  not  knowin'  whether  to  send  for  the 
doctor  or  what.  As  I  set  there  thinkin',  by 
some  happy  chance  my  eyes  fell  on  the  open 
pages  of  the  magazine  he'd  been  readin'  the 
night  before.  The  truth,  that  he  was  just  try- 
in'  out  another  fad,  flashed  over  me  in  an  in- 
stent,  and  so  great  was  my  relief  I  laughed 
right  out  loud,  settin'  there  all  by  myself,  and 
Maggie,  who  had  returned  to  her  griddle  cakes, 
glanced  in  through  the  door  at  me  suspiciously, 


A  HUMAN  DOOE-MAT  185 

no  doubt  thinkin'  the  whole  family  was  getting 
queer. 

"My  mind  relieved  of  an  awful  suspecion,  it 
reverted  to  a  subject  that  had  been  uppermost 
in  my  thoughts  for  a  week,  namely,  furs.  I'm 
not  close-mad  like  some,  but  I'd  set  my  heart 
on  a  set  of  furs  in  a  downtown  fur  store.  I'd 
looked  at  them  time  an'  again,  and  finally  I 
went  in  an'  asked  the  price.  Honestly,  Mandy, 
I  thought  the  clerk  was  a-jokin'  when  he  told 
me.  It  was  enough  to  keep  a  poor  family  a 
year.  I  felt  ashamed  of  myself  for  wanting 
them,  but  after  the  clerk  fastened  them  around 
my  neck  and  put  the  muff  in  my  hands  I  wasn't 
so  ashamed  but  I  'd  'a '  taken  'em  if  your  Uncle 
would  stand  for  it,  they  was  such  beauties. 

"So  when  he  come  smilin'  in  from  the  hen 
episode,  hummin'  'Make  some  one  happy  ever' 
day,'  I  says  to  myself,  'Now's  the  time,  the 
place,  an'  the  man.' 

"  'I  wonder,'  says  I,  apropos  of  nuthin'  ex- 
cept leadin'  up  to  the  subject  of  furs,  'if  we  will 
have  another  cold  snap  this  winter  like  we  did 
last?'  Usually  he  keeps  on  readin'  when  I  talk, 
but  this  time  he  stopped  and  holdin'  his  finger 


186    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

on  his  place,  gazed  at  me  genially  over  his  pa- 
per and  said,  *  Wouldn't  wonder;  why  I9 

"  'Oh,  nuthin','  says  I,  glancin'  at  the  fur  a<3§ 
in  the  paper,  'only  if  you  think  it's  goin'  to  be 
a  cold  winter,  I'd  better  be  a-looldn'  out  for 
my  weak  throat  on  chilly  days.  I  saw  a  set  of 
furs  down  at  the  store  that  suited  me  to  a  T, 
but  the  price  was  somethin' ' 

"  'Price  nuthin V  says  he,  interruptin'  me? 
'I'd  hate  to  think  the  wife  of  Hiram  Harrison, 
Esquire,  had  to  risk  pneumonny  because  of  a 
pair  of  furs.  Name  the  figure,  and  I'll  make 
out  a  check.  I  named  the  price,  thinkin'  he'd 
put  the  check  book  back  in  his  pocket,  because 
he  grumbled  only  the  week  before  about  me  get- 
tin'  so  many  gloves,  but  he  didn't,  only  remark- 
in'  as  he  handed  it  to  me,  'I  made  it  out  for  a 
hundred  more.  I  see  a  woman  comin'  out  of 
one  of  them  big  hotels  the  other  day  wearin'  a 
nice  pair  of  furs.  The  cape  would  'a'  made  her 
look  top  heavy,  'twas  so  big,  if  it  hadn't  been 
for  the  muff  balancin'  up  things.  Honestly, 
Pheba,  'twas  'most  as  big  as  a  baby  calf.  'Twas 
a  nobby-lookin'  suit,  take  it  all  in  all,  with  the 
little  fur  head,  tails,  and  what  nots  sewed  all 
over  her  dress.  But  she  spoiled  it  all  for  me 


A  HUMAN  DOOE-MAT  187 

by  wearin'  one  of  them  "dabootanta  slouches" 
IVe  been  readin'  about.' 

"  'A  what!' says  I. 

"  'Oh,  one  of  them  queer  poses  the  smart  set 
is  effectin'  now:  stickin'  their  chins  out  and 
drawin'  their  spines  in,  and  slouchin'  their 
shoulder  for'ard,  for  all  the  world  like  that 
foolish  Peggy  Green  used  to  stand.  She'd  be 
right  in  style  now,  but  folks  used  to  make  fun 
of  her  in  them  strait-front  and  Grecian-bend 
days.  Get  all  the  fur  things  your  a  mind  to, 
Pheba,'  says  he,  'but  don't  go  to  effectin'  any 
of  them  society  poses  if  you  want  to  walk  the 
streets  with  Hiram  Harrison,  Esquire.' 

"Needless  to  say,  I  promised  not  to  'slouch,' 
and  taking  the  advice  of  a  motto  hangin'  over 
the  writing  desk  to  'Do  it  now,'  I  was  soon  on 
my  way  to  the  fur  store  rejoicing." 


THE   MAN  FEOM  SEATTLE 

f~*\  N  leaving  San  Diego  and  the  Exposi- 
If  tion,"  said  Aunt  Phoebe,  "we  found 
our  train  was  late,  so  we  sat  in  the 
station  quite  a  spell  waitin'  for  it  to  come. 

"A  fine-looking  fellow,  about  thirty-five  I 
should  judge  from  his  looks  and  about  eighty 
from  the  way  he  was  dressed,  was  waitin'  for 
the  Los  Angeles  train,  too.  He  wore  a  silk  rub- 
ber overcoat  with  a  light  pair  of  foot  rubbers 
tucked  into  a  pocket  and  carried  a  silk  um- 
brella. 

"Your  Uncle  eyed  him  curiously  for  a  few 
minutes,  and  then  observed,  'From  Seattle,  I 
reckon  1 ' 

' '  The  fellow  looked  at  him  in  blank  astonish- 
ment, and  then  answered  back: 

"  'I  am;  but  how  in  creation  did  you  know 
it?  Since  you  are  such  a  good  guesser,  perhaps 
you  can  tell  me  what  I've  got  in  my  pockets.' 

"Thus  put  to,  your  Uncle  hazarded  this 
guess : 

188 


THE  MAN  FEOM  SEATTLE         189 

"  'A  pair  of  rubbers  in  one,  a  lot  of  Exposi- 
tion postal  cards  and  a  return  ticket  with  stop- 
over privileges  in  Los  Angeles  and  Frisco  in 
the  others,  and  mebby,  to  keep  from  getting 
homesick,  you  have  a  picture  card  of  old  An- 
geline  and  Mt.  Eainier  tucked  away  somewheres 
about  your  baggage. 9 

"  *  Eight  again/  said  the  man  from  Seattle, 
his  wonder  growing.  'You  must  be  a  regular 
mind  reader.  How  in  creation  did  you  know  I 
was  from  Seattle  V 

"  ' Pshaw!'  replied  your  Uncle,  well  pleased 
at  his  own  shrewdness,  'any  one  except  a  blind 
man  could  see  that.  Who  but  a  man  living 
north  of  the  Oragon  State  line  ever  wore  a  rub- 
ber coat  and  carried  an  umbrella  when  the  dust 
was  flying  in  the  streets  ?' 

"  'Well,'  returned  the  Seattle  man,  'the  indi- 
cations all  point  to  rain.  Last  night  the  stars 
shone  brightly,  and  to-day  the  sun  shone  all  day 
long.  In  Seattle,  after  such  a  day,  it  would 
rain.' 

"  'Of  course  it  would,  and  make  up  for  lost 
time  in  the  bargain,'  agreed  your  Uncle 
readily. 

' '  The  Seattle  man  looked  at  him  suspiciously, 


190    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

and  knowing  from  experience  that  one  is  skatin' 
on  thin  ice  when  discussing  the  weather  with  a 
Seattleite,  I  adroitly  turned  the  subject  by  ask- 
in,  'How  did  you  like  the  Exposition?' 

"'Great  show!'  he  answered  enthusiastic- 
like.  'I  wouldn't  dare  say  so  up  home,  but  be- 
tween ns  three  it  compared  very  favorably  with 
the  Alaska- Yukon  Exposition.  Of  course,  Se- 
attle had  more  natural  advantages  in  the  way 
of  climate  and  scenery,  but  San  Diego  is  not  to 
blame  for  that.' 

"Your  Uncle  was  astonished  at  such  talk. 
He  is  getting  to  be  a  regular  Calif  ornian  in  that 
respect;  if  strangers  from  other  parts  dare  to 
intimate  that  they,  too,  have  a  climate  and  scen- 
ery, it  always  gives  him  a  jolt. 

"I  never  saw  a  place  yet  that  didn't  have 
some  sort  of  a  climate,  and  mebby  there  are 
people  who  like  it.  There's  no  accountin'  for 
taste;  and  as  for  scenery,  even  Nebraska  has 
some  if  you  take  the  trouble  to  climb  up  on  a 
windmill  and  look  for  it. 

"  'So  you  don't  like  California?'  observed 
your  Uncle,  a  little  put  out. 

"  'I  wouldn't  go  so  far  as  to  say  that,'  re- 
turned the  man  from  Seattle,  smoothin'  his  silk 


THE  MAN  FROM  SEATTLE         191 

umbrella  affectionately;  'as  a  playground  for 
the  tired  business  men  from  live  towns  where 
they  are  really  doin'  things,  California  fills  a 
long-felt  want;  but  in  a  well-watered  country, 
where  they  raise  things  for  profit  and  not  for 
show,  we  could  hardly  spare  good  land  for 
sightseers'  benefit  entirely,  and,  besides,  havin' 
so  many  strangers  around  until  you  can't  tell 
the  sheep's  from  the  goats,  would  get  on  my 
nerves.  I  asked  ten  different  men  to  direct  me 
to  a  certain  office  building  in  Los  Angeles,  and 
every  one  said,  "I'm  a  stranger  here  myself." 
Seems  to  me  I'd  like  to  meet  some  one  from 
home,  in  my  own  home  town,  occasionally. ' 

"Your  Uncle  was  openin'  his  mouth  to  reply 
when  I  intervened  by  askin',  'So  you  are  goin' 
back  to  Seattle!' 

"  'I  am,  madam,'  he  returned  proudly;  'I  am 
going  back  to  a  man's  country.' 

"  'To  a  man's  country!'  echoed  me  and  your 
Uncle  Hiram  in  chorus. 

"  'Yes,  a  man's  country,'  he  repeated  firmly. 
'Seattle  is  run  by  men.  Southern  California, 
and  especially  Los  Angeles,  is  run  by  women. 
The  whole  country  from  Tijuana  to  Santa  Bar- 
bara is  overrun  with  them.  I'll  have  to  be 


192    UNCLE  HIKAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

shown  the  first  place  yet  that  is  not  overflowin' 
with  them.  They  crowd  you  off  the  sidewalks, 
off  the  street  cars,  and  even  out  of  the  jitneys. 

It  takes  a  braver  man  than  I  am  to  push  my 
way  into  those  big  department  stores;  saw 
something  in  a  show  window  that  I  wanted  to 
buy.  Do  you  suppose  I  could  get  through  the 
door  without  gettin'  wedged  into  a  mass  of 
pushing  women?  Not  I!  Then  I  thought  I'd 
made  a  mistake  and  the  store  was  for  ladies 
oaly;  but  no!  a  few  tired-lookin '  men  hoi  din' 
onto  their  wives'  arms  and  steppin'  sidewise, 
and  up  and  down  and  every  way  to  get  out  of 
the  way  of  the  other  women,  were  in  the  crowd, 
so  I  saw  it  was  a  general  store.' 

"  Your  Uncle  sighed,  as  if  at  some  sad  remem- 
brance, and  the  man  continued : 

"  'A  policeman  saw  me  actin'  what  he  de- 
scribed as  "suspiciously,"  and  when  I  ex- 
plained the  situation  to  him  he  offered  to  cut  a 
path  for  me  back  to  the  gents'  furnishin'  de- 
partment, but  I  refused  his  assistance,  tellin' 
him  I  would  put  on  clean  collars  and  cuffs  and 
wait  till  I  got  to  a  town  where  there  were  not 
so  many  women. 

"  'It's  hard  on  a  man,'  commiserated  your 


THE  MAN  FROM  SEATTLE         193 

Uncle,  and  the  aggrieved  one  continued  his  tale 
of  woe. 

"  'A  friend  of  mine  was  tellin'  me  about  that 
magnificent  new  hotel  they  built  up  in  Los  An- 
geles exclusively  for  men.  The  sign,  "FOR  MEN 
ONLY,"  hadn't  been  out  an  hour  before  the 
women  got  wind  of  it.  All  day  long  they  passed 
in  groups  and  squads,  peerin'  curiously  into 
the  windows,  where  a  score  of  bachelors  and 
widowers  looked  out  triumphantly  at  them  from 
the  lobby  windows  as  they  lounged  in  easy- 
chairs,  read  papers,  smoked  and  made  them- 
selves strictly  at  home.  The  women  stood  it 
two  days;  then  they  invaded  the  lobby,  drove 
the  men  from  their  easy-chairs,  monopolized  the 
telephone,  drove  the  manager  nearly  crazy  with 
questions,  and  wrinkled  up  their  noses  at  the 
tobacco  smoke.  At  the  present  time  the  five 
hundred  rooms  are  occupied  by  three  hundred 
men  and  their  wives,  twenty  by  bachelors  and 
widowers,  and  the  remainder  by,  single  women, 
two  in  a  room.' 

"  'And  it's  gettin'  worse  all  the  time,'  com- 
plained your  Uncle. 

"The  man  from  the  North  smiled  superior*- 
like  and  said: 


194    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

"  'Now,  such  a  thing  never  could  have  hap- 
pened in  Seattle/ 

"  'We  aren't  afraid  of  our  men  folks  down 
here,'  said  I,  a  little  miffed  at  his  attitude  to- 
ward the  women  population. 

"  'I  should  say  not,'  sighed  your  Uncle 
Hiram,  as  he  added  his  grievances  to  the  list-, 
savin': 

"  'The  lobbies  in  the  hotel  was  originally 
built  for  the  men  folks,  but  we  quit  usin'  them 
to  any  great  extent  long  ago.  One  man  who 
was  run  out  into  the  streets  to  smoke,  and  near- 
ly drove  off  of  the  street  car  in  the  bargain,  told 
me  back  where  he  came  from  he  used  to  be  a 
prominent  citizen,  and  was  considered  a  man 
amongst  men.  "But/'  says  he,  "out  here  in 
Los  Angeles  the  best  that  I  can  say  for  myself 
is  that  I'm  a  man  amongst  women."  You  can 
always  tell  a  stranger  in  town  by  seein'  him  in 
the  lobbies  amongst  the  women  folks.' 

"  'I've  noticed  another  peculiar  thing,  too,' 
commented  the  man  from  Seattle.  'When  a 
good-looker  comes  floatin'  in  all  ribbons  and 
furbellows,  the  men  nearly  fall  over  each  other 
to  give  her  a  seat.  Fancy  £  man  being  that 
dippy  in  Seattle!'  And  then  he  went  on,  as  if 


THE  MAN  FKOM  SEATTLE        195 

his  own  voice  listened  good  to  him:  'That  takin' 
a  fluffy  bag  of  some  sort  out  of  their  purses 
and  powderin'  their  faces  right  before  us  is  a 
new  one  on  me.  I'll  admit,  though,  that  the  Cal- 
ifornia girls  are  charming,  in  spite  of  their  in- 
dependent ways.  A  fellow  might  get  used  to  it 
in  time. 

"  'Then  those  apartment  houses  are  goin'  to 
take  you  folks  by  spreading  as  fast  as  Devil 
grass.  If  they  continue  ten  years  longer, 
there'll  be  children  who'll  have  to  go  to  a  Mu- 
seum or  Exposition  to  see  an  open  bed.  I've 
seen  nothing  but  wall  beds  since  I  left  home. 
Went  to  visit  a  friend  in  Pasadena  and  worked 
half  the  night  tryin'  to  pull  a  mantel  down.  He 
heard  the  racket  and  came  up  to  see  what  was 
the  matter ;  then  he  showed  me  how  to  pull  some 
knobs  that  let  out  one  side  of  the  house  into  a 
wall  bed  and  sleepin'  porch  combined. 

"  'Met  a  widow  from  Seattle,'  he  went  on, 
'who  said  she  was  havin'  the  time  of  her  life 
down  here  in  one  of  these  apartment  houses. 
Said  it  was  a  dandy  place  for  a  woman  who 
didn't  want  to  marry,  for  there  were  so  few 
eligible  men  in  Los  Angeles  they  were  at  a 
premium,  so  they  always  went  on  the  "  Dutch" 


196    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

Treat"  basis.  I  said  it  looked  pretty  cheap,  but 
she  defended  the  system  and  said  it  was  all 
right.  She  said  if  a  woman  really  wanted  to 
marry  she  had  better  stay  in  Seattle,  where 
competition  wasn't  so  great.' 

"  'From  your  talk,  I  gather  you  are  a  con- 
firmed bachelor/  hinted  your  Uncle. 

"  'I  was/  admitted  the  man  from  Seattle, 
'but  I  am  goin'  to  spend  ten  days  in  Los  An- 
geles, and  you  can  never  tell  what  will  happen 
to  a  lone  bachelor  among  so  many  women, 
and ' 

"  'All  aboard!'  shouted  the  train  dispatcher. 
The  man  from  Seattle  slid  into  his  rubbers, 
hoisted  his  umbrella  and  started  for  the  train. 
We  followed  him,  and  to  our  great  astonishment 
we  found  it  was  rainin'  outside  to  beat  Seattle. " 


AUNT  PHOEBE'S  ADVENTURE 

UNCLE  THOUGHT  SHE  WAS  A  VICTIM  OF 
HALLUCINATION 

//T"  NEVER  told  you,  Mandy,  what  a  time 
I  me  and  your  Uncle  had  buyin'  Christ- 
mas presents  in  California,"  said  Aunt 
Phoebe  Harrison. 

"In  the  first  place  I  was  too  mad  to  talk  about 
it  for  a  month,  and  after  that  I  was  ashamed  to 
tell  any  one  about  it,  but  since  I've  been  think- 
in'  it  over,  I  can  now  laugh  to  myself  about  the 
ridiculousness  of  it  all,  and  I  don't  blame  your 
Uncle  half  as  much  as  I  did  at  the  time  it  hap- 
pened. 

"One  nice  morning  about  two  weeks  before 
Christmas  I  said  to  your  Uncle,  *  Let's  go  and 
buy  our  Christmas  presents  early  this  year  and 
avoid  the  rush, '  and  he  answered  back  real  cross 
for  him : 

"  'You  talk  just  like  a  department  store  ad- 
vertisement, Phoebe,  and  I  don't  wonder,  seein' 

197 


198    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

how  you  hain't  hardly  read  any  other  kind  of 
literature  for  nearly  a  month;  but  if  you  are 
determined  to  have  me  run  the  gauntlet  of  life 
and  limb  in  them  Christmas  crowds  on  Broad- 
way, I  may  just  as  well  take  my  life  in  my 
hands  now  as  any  other  time.' 

"  Whenever  your  Uncle  goes  shopping  with 
me  amongst  the  crowd  of  department  store 
women,  he  acts  like  he  was  doin'  something  as 
dangerous  as  goin'  to  war.  So  after  arguin' 
and  actin'  contrary  by  wearing  his  white  straw 
hat,  for  fear  he'd  sweat  the  band  of  his  new 
black  one,  we  got  started. 

"My!  but  it  was  a  warm  day  for  December, 
and  about  the  first  thing  I  had  to  do  after  get- 
ting into  the  crowds  was  to  take  off  my  jacket 
and  give  it  to  your  Uncle  to  carry.  He  rolled 
it  up  in  a  tight  wad,  and  putting  it  under  his 
arm,  said  sarcastic-like,  right  before  some  other 
women  who  was  eyeing  the  proceedings  disap- 
provin'-like: 

"  'Phoebe,  you  ought  to  have  a  snapshot 
taken  of  me  luggin'  this  old  jacket  round  so  as 
to  have  somethin'  natural  and  lifelike  to  look 
at  when  I'm  mustered  out.' 

"I  didn't  answer  him,  for  I  have  learned  by 


AUNT  PHOEBE  'S  ADVENTUEE  199 

experience  not  to  talk  back  to  him  when  he  gets 
one  of  them  grouchy  moods,  so  I  kept  a  still 
tongue  and  mebby  saved  a  fuss. 

"The  first  place  we  stopped  to  look  at  things 
was  at  a  big  bookstore,  and  a  tall,  narrow,  con- 
tracted young  man,  who  wore  a  collar  big 
enough  to  go  over  his  little  head,  come  forward 
to  wait  on  us.  I  saw  him  look  and  motion  to  a 
hatchet-faced  girl  near  him  as  much  as  to  say, 
*  Watch  me  and  you'll  see  some  fun.' 

'  *  I  took  out  my  list  from  my  purse,  to  see  the 
names  I  had  jotted  down,  random-like,  of  folks 
I  wanted  to  remember  back  home  and  read: 
'Mrs.  Minerva  Petigrew,  Lincoln,  Route  No.  2, 
R.  F.  D.'  She  was  a  former  naber,  so  after 
readin'  her  name  out  to  your  Uncle,  I  said: 
'How  do  you  think  a  book  would  do  for  her?' 

"  'All  right,'  he  answered  right  out  loud  be- 
fore that  grinning  clerk.  'If  you  can  find  one 
entitled,  "Something  to  Bead  When  You  Get 
Tired  of  Talking  About  Your  Neighbors.' 

"  'Then,'  he  continued,  'we  might  get  this  one 
called  "Foreigners"  for  that  raw  Swede  that 
rents  the  south  eighty. 

"  'Then  that  "Billy  Whiskers"  will  do  for 
Uncle  Billy  Hudson,  who  hain't  shaved  himself 


200    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

since  the  Pop  party  went  out  of  power  back  in 
the  early  Nineties. 

"I  hurried  him  away  for  fear  they  would 
hear  him,  and  made  up  my  mind  to  go  by  my- 
self to  buy  books  the  next  time. 

"Then  we  commenced  the  rounds  of  the  de- 
partment stores,  and  by  noon  we  was  nearly 
loaded  down  and  ready  for  our  lunch,  which 
we  ate  up  on  the  top  floor  of  one  of  the  big 
department  stores. 

"After  we  had  started  home,  I  missed  my 
jacket.  Your  Uncle  had  left  it  where  we  et  our 
lunch;  but  he  wouldn't  go  back  after  it,  sayin' 
he'd  rather  go  over  Niagary  Falls  in  a  barrel 
than  to  fight  his  way  through  that  mob  of  wom- 
en folks  again;  said  he'd  buy  me  a  new  one 
rather  than  go.  The  jacket  belonged  to  my  new 
tailored  suit,  but  seein'  how  he  dreaded  going 
for  it,  I  decided  to  go  myself. 

"Comin'  back,  I  thought  to  save  time  by 
crossin'  the  street  catercornered ;  but,  sakes 
alive !  I'll  never  try  that  again,  for  I  got  caught 
between  two  automobiles,  a  street  car  and  a 
motorcycle,  as  I  stood  there  too  dazed  to  know 
which  way  to  turn.  A  street  car  come  cross- 
wise, ringing  the  bells  right  on  me,  some  one 


AUNT  PHOEBE 'S  ADVENTURE  201 

shouted  for  me  to  jump  and  in  doin'  so  I  caught 
the  heel  of  my  shoe  in  my  skirt  and  fell  down  all 
of  a  heap,  right  in  front  of  a  cow  hitched  to  the 
front  of  a  cart. 

"Yes,  a  cow.  £  real  cow  with  a  bell  on  her 
and  a  man  drivin*  her  from  behind,  just  like  a 
horse.  Which  was  the  most  astonished,  me  or 
the  cow,  I  don't  know,  but  she  gave  a  little 
scairt  bawl  and  jumped  clear  over  me  and  never 
hurt  me  a  mite. 

"Just  then  a  policeman  spied  me  and  come 
and  helped  me  over  to  the  corner  where  your 
Uncle  was  waitin'  for  me.  In  some  way  my 
face'd  got  scratched  a  little  and  was  bleedin', 
and  when  your  Uncle  see  me  with  a  policeman, 
he  was  the  worst  scairt  man  you  ever  saw,  and 
when  I  commenced,  excited-like,  to  tell  him 
about  the  cow  episode,  he  said  to  himself: 

"  ' Crazy  as  a  bed  bug!  Seein'  that  bull  fight 
in  Tiajauny,  and  this  Christmas  jam  has  been 
too  much  for  her,  and  she's  come  unhinged  right 
here  on  the  street.  Would  that  we  had  never 
seen  a  department  store  or  a  Spanish  bull  fight 
— jabberin'  away  about  cattle  right  here  on 
Broadway!  Come  on,  Phoebe,  we  must  see  a 
doctor  right  away,'  and  he  hurried  me  into  a 


202    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

building  and  took  me  up  to  the  office  of  a  young 
doctor  who  had  just  come  out  to  Los  Angeles 
from  Indiana,  where  some  relations  of  ours 
lived. 

"  '  Doctor  Smally,  who,  by  the  way,  was  six 
feet  tall  and  wore  nose  glasses,  listened  as  sol- 
emn as  an  owl  while  your  Uncle  told  him  I  had 
been  suddenly  took  with  a  hallucination,  think- 
in'  I  see  a  cow  walkin'  on  Broadway,  with  a  bell 
on  her  neck,  and  a  man  drivin'  her  from  behind 
like  a  horse.  The  drivin'  club  matinee,  stock 
yard  moving  pictures,  Christmas  bells,  bull 
fights  and  things  has  got  on  her  nerves,  and 
here  she  is,'  says  he,  'all  unhinged.' 

"  'Quit  talkin'  nonsense  and  put  some  court 
plaster  on  my  face, '  says  I.  'I'm  no  more  crazy 
than  the  rest  of  you,  for  I  saw  a  cow  hitched  to 
a  cart  on  Broadway,  and  that's  the  end  of  it.' 

"The  doctor  looked  sidewise  at  your  Uncle, 
and  says  soothin'-like  to  me: 

"  'Of  course  she  did;  of  course  she  did.' 

"  '  Of  course  she  did  nothin','  said  your  Uncle, 
too  contrary  to  let  on  even  to  a  crazy  wife. 
'Can't  you  give  her  a  dose  of  somethin',  doc,  to 
counteract  them  hallucinations?' 

"The  doctor,  thus  admonished,  hitched  his 


AUNT  PHOEBE  >S  ADVENTURE  203 

chair  up  closer  to  mine,  and  looking  straight 
into  my  eyes  and  talking  like's  if  I  was  a  child, 
said  to  your  Uncle : 

"  'From  what  I  can  understand,  this — this,  er 
— peculiarity  was  not  evident  in  her  family!' 

"  Your  Uncle  thought  a  minute,  and  then  said: 

"  'Yes,  now  that  I  think  of  it,  her  daddy  did 
act  mighty  queer  once  when  I  was  a-sittin'  up 
with  Phoebe  and  forgot  myself  (because  the 
clock  stopped  running  and  stayed  till  four  in 
the  morning.  Yes,  now  that  I  think  of  it,  he 
talked  mighty  queer  and  random-like,  sayin'  my 
folks  must  have  had  a  mighty  airly  breakfast 
for  me  to  get  over  so  soon  in  the  morning;  let 
on  like  he  thought  I'd  just  come  from  home.' 

"  'Well,'  said  the  puzzled  doctor,  his  sharp 
gray  eyes  leveled  on  my  countenance  through 
them  nose  glasses,  'there's  one  test  that  never 
fails:  a  person  who  cannot  touch  their  nose 
with  the  forefinger  of  their  left  hand,  at  the  first 
trial,  is  mentally  unbalanced,'  and  he  called  out 
real  sharp,  'Place  your  left  forefinger  on  the 
tip  of  your  nose — quick!' 

"I  could  have  done  it,  all  right,  but  a  button 
on  my  sleeve  caught  on  my  lace  collar,  and  I 


204    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

nearly  punched  an  eye  out,  and  almost  broke 
my  glasses. 

"The  doctor  seemed  awful  worked  up  at  my 
failure,  and  wiped  his  nose  glasses  on  his  pur- 
ple handkerchief,  and  pulled  up  his  pants  and 
gazed  thoughtfully  at  his  purple  socks,  and 
straightened  his  purple  tie,  mutterin'  to  him- 
self: *  Liable  to  have  a  brainstorm  or  lapse  of 
memory  any  minute  and  do  violence  to  her  hus- 
band.' 

"When  he  mentioned  your  Uncle,  I  turned 
round  to  see  what  he  was  doing,  and  there  he 
stood,  as  pale  as  putty,  looking  like  he  had 
turned  to  stone  and  tryin'  his  best  to  put  his 
left  forefinger  on  the  tip  of  his  nose,  and,  be- 
ing so  excited,  he  missed  it  every  time. 

"  'Phoebe,'  says  he,  'I'm  done  for.  Another 
good  man's  had  his  nerves  broke  off  short  as  a 
corncob,  buyin'  Christmas  truck  in  them  wom- 
en-crowded department  stores.  Take  us  home 
in  a  taxi,  Doc,  and  call  in  a  parsel  of  them  ex- 
pert allainists  and  help  'em  patch  up  our  in- 
tellectual aparatuses,  and  then  we'll  give  up 
these  Exposition  trips  and  things,  and  settle 
down  to  private  life  and  do  no  thin'  more  excit- 


AUNT  PHOEBE 'S  ADVENTUEE  205 

ing  that  pick  the  devil  grass  out,  and  gossip 
over  the  back  fence  with  the  nabers.' 

"So  the  doctor  started  us  homeward,  and  just 
as  we  stepped  onto  the  sidewalk  toward  the  tax- 
icab  what  should  we  see  but  that  same  cow,  cart, 
driver,  bell  and  all,  comin'  down  the  street. 

"The  doctor  opened  his  eyes  in  astonishment 
and  got  red  in  the  face  at  the  diagnosis  he  had 
made,  but  your  Uncle  was  so  relieved  to  think 
the  whole  family  wasn't  crazy  that  he  nearly 
danced  on  the  sidewalk.  Then  as  usual  he  tried 
to  get  out  of  it  by  saying  he  was  joking,  and 
knowed  there  was  a  cow  in  town  all  the  time; 
but  he  didn't. 

"Sometimes  when  I  want  to  tease  the  doctor 
I  say,  real  sharp:  'Put  the  forefinger  of  your 
left  hand  on  your  nose — quick!' 

"Now  I'll  show  you  the  picture  of  that  cow. 
I  found  it  among  the  presents  your  uncle  gave 
me  last  Christmas,  and  some  day  when  we  are 
down  on  Broadway  I'll  show  you  the  real  cow, 
cart,  driver,  bell,  and  all." 


A  SHOPPING  EXPERIENCE 

(  f  X  "Tf  T  ELL,  buying  clothes  in  California/7 
y  y  complained  Aunt  Phoebe,  "and 
mebby  any  other  place  nowadays, 
is  getting  to  be  a  real  problem.  The  time  was 
when  I  thought  having  the  price  of  good  clothes 
settled  the  matter,  but  I  guess  it  just  compli- 
cates it. 

"I  went  into  a  store  the  other  day  intending 
to  peek  around  a  little,  but  a  hard-faced,  wood- 
en-figured saleswoman  transfixed  me  with  her 
fishy  eyes  and  seated  me  where  I  belonged,  with 
as  much  firmness  as  if  I  was  going  to  the  elec- 
tric chair. 

"Economy  dies  hard,  so  I  had  in  mind  a  gar- 
ment that  I  could  play  a  game  of  golf  in,  or 
wear  to  the  beach,  or  mountains,  or  even  on  the 
street  if  we  took  a  notion  to  ride  downtown  from 
the  links. 

"Scenting  the  hidden  economy,  when  I  made 
my  wants  known,  her  stony  face  got  harder  and 
harder  as  she  informed  me  that  they  didn't  car- 

206 


A  SHOPPING  EXPERIENCE        207 

ry  any  such  garment;  ' however,'  she  added, 
'you  might  find  it  in  the  basement.' 

"I  got  up  and  started  to  leave,  but  a  good- 
looking  Jewish  gentleman,  with  much  bowing 
and  smiling,  inveigled  me  back  into  my  seat  and 
drawing  the  saleslady  aside,  he  laid  down  the 
law  to  her  for  letting  a  customer  escape,  with 
an  altogether  different  look  on  his  dark  coun- 
tenance than  when  he  was  reseating  me. 

' '  She  went  to  a  case  and  took  out  a  sport  suit 
with  polka  dots  nearly  as  large  as  a  saucer.  I 
shook  my  head,  and  she  replaced  it  and  brought 
for  my  inspection  a  white  broadcloth  affair 
which  she  insisted  I  try  on.  One  look  at  myself 
in  the  glass  made  me  gasp,  for  it  made  me  look 
like  I  had  regained  the  forty  pounds  I  was  so 
long  losing.  I  took  it  off  in  a  hurry. 

"Just  at  this  juncture  your  Uncle,  who  was 
to  meet  me  there,  came  tiptoeing  out  of  the  ele- 
vator like  he  was  at  a  funeral  and  sat  down  be- 
side me.  The  saleslady  had  her  back  to  us,  look- 
ing into  the  glass  case  for  some  more  freak 
clothes  to  try  on  me. 

"  'Did  you  find  anything?'  asked  your  Uncle, 
in  a  stage  whisper.  'Get  something,  for  pity 'a 
sake,  and  let's  get  out  of  here.' 


208    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

"He  looked  around  at  the  dressed-up  figures, 
and  then  all  at  once,  before  I  knew  what  he  was 
doing,  he  says,  'How's  this  one  made  in  front T 
and  takes  that  saleslady  by  the  hip  and  tried  to 
whirl  her  round,  thinking  she  was  a  dummy. 

"She  whirled,  all  right,  and  said,  'Sir!'  so 
suddenly  that  she  scared  the  senses  almost  out 
of  your  Uncle. 

"The  Jewish  gentleman  came  runnin',  and  I 
felt  so  sorry  for  your  Uncle  I  bought  a  plaid 
suit  then  and  there  and  the  haughty  saleslady 
moved  automatically  away  with  it,  and  the  Jew- 
ish gentleman  soothed  your  Uncle's  ruffled  feel- 
ings while  he  was  making  out  the  check. 

"  'What  in  the  world  did  you  mean?'  said  I 
to  your  Uncle,  when  we  were  alone. 

"  'Mean?'  says  he.  'How  in  creation  was  I 
to  know  she  wasn't  a  dummy?  She  looked  like 
one,  and,  by  George,  she  felt  like  one,  too — hard 
as  a  stone  image;  never  see  a  woman  who 
wouldn't  give  an  inch  before. 

"Then  I  bought  a  nice  waist,  and  gloves  and 
shoes  and  a  hat. 

"I  had  them  all  laid  out  on  the  bed,  very  well 
satisfied  and  not  begrudging  the  seventy-five 
dollars  they  cost;  but  that  was  before  Mrs. 


A  SHOPPING  EXPERIENCE         209 

Gambol,  a  society  woman  and  a  distant  connec- 
tion who  lives  across  the  street,  gave  them,  to 
use  a  slang  phrase,  'the  once  over.' 

"  'Unhwh,'  she  murmured,  as  she  picked  up 
my  lace  waist  (marked  eight-ninety-eight) ; 
4 very  pretty  for  informal  afternoons;  wish  you 
had  been  with  me  to  see  the  display  of  waists  at 
fne  Maryland  last  week.  I  bought  one  with  real 
lace,  the  points  set  inverted  around  the  belt," 
said  she,  'to  wear  with  my  new  blue  suit  with 
the  velvet  trimmings.' 

"She  passed  over  the  plaid  dress  without  a 
single  comment,  which  is  to  a  woman  the  biggest 
insult  of  all.  I  also  found  that  my  gloves,  which 
from  the  way  the  saleslady  talked  could  be  worn 
with  anything,  'from  a  sassy  Jane  to  a  span- 
gled evening  gown,'  were  only  intended  for 
sport  wear;  and  she  had  a  pair  of  shoes  like 
mine  the  year  before. 

"From  his  den  on  the  other  side  of  the  hall 
your  Uncle  heard  all.  After  she  left,  he  came 
into  the  room,  saying:  'Phoebe  Harrison,  I  am 
going  to  ask  one  favor  of  you :  you  go  shopping 
with  that  woman,  and  get  the  best;  her  hus- 
band's bank  account  is  no  bigger  than  mine — 
what  his  wife  can  afford  my  wife  can  afford. 


210    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

When  we  go  East  this  summer  we  want  to  go 
right.  Let  her  help  to  select  your  clothes,  and 
send  the  bills  to  me/ 

"I  went. 

"Your  Uncle  looked  incredulous  when  he  foot- 
ed up  the  bills,  but  he  made  me  out  a  check  f  o* 
twelve  hundred  dollars  without  a  word  of  com- 
plaint. I  got  a  waist  like  hers — it  was  cheap ( ?) , 
she  said,  at  ninety-five  dollars. 

"And  my  hat — well,  if  I  hadn't  wanted  to 
give  your  Uncle  an  object  lesson  on  what  it  cost 
to  keep  up  with  every  passing  fad,  I  never 
would  have  dreamed  of  buying  it,  for  such 
prices  are  wicked,  and  my  conscience  hurt  me 
over  the  money  I  paid  for  my  clothes,  at  least 
it  did  until  I  put  them  on.  I  will  admit  they  are 
becoming,  and  buying  the  right  kind  of  clothes 
is  getting  to  be  a  real  art ;  but  your  Uncle  never 
urged  me  to  go  out  with  Mrs.  Gambol  any  more, 
but  now  that  they  are  safely  packed  in  the  trunk 
ready  for  our  Eastern  trip,  I'm  not  saying  I'm 
sorry,  for  I'm  'prepared'  to  meet  the  Presi- 
dent's wife  or  anybody  else  who  happens  our 
way.  I'm  going  to  send  Mrs.  Gambol  the  very 
latest  novelty  direct  from  Paris  that  I  can  find 
in  New  York  City.'' 


A  TRIP  BACK  TO  THE  OLD  HOME 

THINK  I  told  you,"   observed  Aunt 
Phoebe,  "  about  Mrs.  Gambol  takin'  me 
on  that  shoppin'  expedition  just  before 
we  took  our  Eastern  trip. 

"And  now  about  the  trip  itself:  We  had  quite 
a  time  getting  started,  for  when  you  are  keepin' 
house  it's  no  easy  matter  to  break  up  and  leave 
on  short  notice.  I  had  thought  to  leave  Ito,  the 
Jap  gardener  who  sleeps  in  the  garage,  in 
charge,  but  when  he  tried  to  feed  Beauty,  my 
white  Persian  cat,  he  (the  cat,  I  mean)  arched 
up  his  back,  slapped  at  Ito's  face  with  his  paw, 
and  retired  under  the  gas  range,  glarin'  at  him 
with  wide  eyes  until  he  left  the  kitchen. 

4 'Then  he  tried  to  feed  Beauty's  liver  and 
milk  to  the  canaries ;  so  I  give  up  the  idea  and 
left  Gusta  Johnson,  our  house  maid,  in  charge. 
Then  I  had  a  fuss  with  your  Uncle  Hiram  about 
takin'  two  trunks.  He  wanted  me  to  leave  most 
of  the  nice  things  I  had  gone  to  so  much  trouble 


211 


212    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

to  buy  and  get  fitted  into  at  home.  Well,  we 
settled  the  matter  finally  by  taking  two  trunks 
and  a  lot  of  extra  suit  cases,  but  at  last  we  got 
started  and,  when  the  train  was  movin'  easward 
through  the  familiar  streets  of  Los  Angeles,  we 
were  both  considerably  wrought  up  in  our  feel- 
in  's,  for  before  our  return  our  eyes  would  rest 
upon  the  Capitol  of  these  great  United  States ; 
we  would  walk  the  streets  of  that  wonder  city, 
New  York;  and  last,  but  not  least,  we  would 
visit  our  childhood's  home,  which  we  had  not 
seen  for  nearly  a  third  of  a  century,  on  the 
banks  of  the  raging  Wabash. 

"Our  first  short  stop  was  at  Salt  Lake  City, 
which  Mormonism  made  famous,  or  infamous^ 
just  as  you  happen  to  look  at  it. 

"Why  is  it  that  the  system  of  Mormonism 
never  jars  or  shocks  a  man's  sensibilities  like 
it  does  a  woman's? 

"As  we  neared  the  city,  we  fell  in  conversa- 
tion with  our  fellow  travelers  and,  while  all  the 
women  denounced  the  system  bitterly,  the  men 
viewed  the  matter  with  good-natured  tolerance. 
A  sour-looking  man  said  that  single  marriages 
were  not  always  what  they  were  cracked  up  to 
be,  and  a  good  lookin'  bachelor  said  he  thanked 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME        213 

Ms  lucky  stars  that  Congress  had  put  its  foot 
down  on  the  practice  in  time  to  save  him;  and 
your  uncle  humorously  remarked  'if  polygamy 
ever  came  into  style  in  California,  instead  of 
adding  a  room  for  every  new  wife  like  they  did 
in  Salt  Lake  City,  he  would  build  a  cute  little 
bungalow  court  for  them.' 

"We  stopped  over  one  day  in  Chicago,  and  I 
went  with  your  Uncle  to  see  the  excitement  in 
the  wheat-pit  on  the  Board  of  Trade.  Talk 
about  noises !  The  hotel  solicitors  at  the  Ferry 
Depot  in  San  Francisco  and  twelve  hundred 
women  talkin'  all  at  once  at  the  Ebell  Club 
House  seemed  but  a  drop  in  the  ocean  compared 
to  the  uproar  made  by  them  brokers.  They  all 
talked  at  the  top  of  their  voices,  knocked  off 
each  other's  hats,  and  shook  their  fists  at  one 
another.  Your  Uncle,  who  had  made  a  vow  never 
to  speculate  again  (being  considerable  ahead  of 
the  game),  acted  like  IVe  seen  old  race  horses 
act  when  they  saw  other  horses  racing  on  their 
old  tracks,  but  he  showed  strength  of  character 
by  not  yieldin'  to  the  temptation,  and  we  was 
soon  on  our  way  to  the  Capital  City.  We  stayed 
a  month  in  Washington,  and  enjoyed  it. 

"My    cousin,    Eansdale    Kelley,    Democrat 


214:    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

Congressman  from  Indiana,  took  us  to  see  ev- 
erything, including  the  President  and  his  wife. 
I  was  awful  glad  I  bought  that  orchard-colored 
broadcloth  with  everything  to  match.  I  read 
once  that  good  clothes  in  certain  places  were 
more  to  be  coveted  than  a  good  name.  I  don't 
exactly  believe  that,  but  there  is  no  denyin'  it's 
a  great  comfort  to  know  you  are  wearing  the 
right  clothes  when  the  President  and  his  wife  is 
givin'  you  a  handshake  and  the  'once  over.' 

"As  for  our  stay  in  New  York,  I  find  it's 
'love's  labor  lost'  to  try  to  tell  any  one  about 
that  city.  If  they  have  never  been  there,  they 
are  only  mildly  interested ;  and  if  they  have  been 
there,  they  think  they  know  more  about  it  than 
you  do. 

"At  last  we  reached  Indiana,  and  your  Uncle 
was  awfully  disappointed  to  find  his  old  home 
covered  with  machine  shops  and  roundhouses. 
The  only  landmark  left  was  a  big  hickory-nut 
tree  where  the  workin'  men  were  eatin'  their 
noon-day  lunch,  but  I  knew  I  was  goin'  to  the 
same  old  homestead,  for  at  my  father's  death  it 
had  passed  into  the  hands  of  his  sister,  Aunt 
Betsy  Kelley.  Her  husband,  Captain  Kelley, 
was  a  big,  good-natured  and  handsome  Irish- 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME      215 

man.  Tradition  has  it  that  the  day  after  their 
marriage  she  burned  up  his  pipe,  tobacco,  play- 
in'  cards,  violin,  hair  oil  and  fancy  vest,  and 
everything  else  pertainin'  to  the  vanities  of  life. 
When  he  passed  away,  a  few  years  later,  an  old 
neighbor  man  remarked:  'Far  be  it  from  me  to 
mourn  the  passin'  of  that  man;  bein'  too  much 
of  an  Irishman  to  get  a  divorce  and  not  enough 
of  an  Irishman  to  thresh  the  meanness  out  of 
her,  what  was  there  left  for  the  poor  man  to  do 
but  die?' 

"Well,  there  is  no  denyin'  Aunt  Betsy  was  a 
character  and  when,  at  the  age  of  seventy-five, 
she  opened  the  screen  door  for  me  an'  your 
Uncle  an'  made  a  vigorous  onslaught  on  the  flies 
with  a  yard  stick  covered  with  fringed  newspa- 
pers (instead  of  shakin'  hands  with  us).  I  see 
that  she  was  the  same  old  Aunt  Betsy,  still 
active  and  alert  in  body  and  mind.  After  the 
last  venturesome  fly  had  been  routed,  she  calm- 
ly hung  the  fly-chaser  on  its  hook  and  shook 
hands  cordially  with  us,  gave  us  the  best  rock- 
ers, padded  with  log-cabin  and  crazy-quilt  cush- 
ions. To  my  delight,  everything  in  the  room 
was  just  the  same  as  my  memory  had  pictured 
it:  the  same  brussels  carpet  with  its  sprawlin' 


216    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

green  leaves  and  impossible  roses,  was  on  the 
floor,  for  Aunt  Betsy  had  done  us  the  honors  of 
the  best  room,  or  parlor,  sacred  to  funerals  and 
weddin's,  and  the  first  formal  calls  of  the  minis- 
ters. This  rule  was  broken  only  once,  when  she 
gave  a  reception  to  the  whole  countryside,  the 
night  after  her  only  son  was  elected  to  Con- 
gress. I  looked  eagerly  aroun'  me  through  the 
open  door  into  the  familiar  sitting-room,  with 
its  hit-and-  miss  rag  carpet  and  braided  mats  at 
the  door.  Here  was  one  place,  in  this  changin' 
world  that  time  had  left  untouched.  Every  ob- 
ject in  the  room  recalled  memories  of  other 
days.  The  organ,  the  marble-toped  table,  were 
there,  and  standin'  in  one  corner  was  a  three- 
cornered  contraption  known  in  my  youthful 
days  as  a  what-not.  Eeposing  on  the  what-not, 
amid  china  ornaments  and  California  souvenirs, 
was  a.  conch-shell,  which  some  seafaring  ances- 
tor had  wished  on  the  family.  Your  Uncle's  eyes 
and  mine  fell  on  it  at  the  same  time,  and  in 
spite  of  ourselves,  we  laughed  long  and  loud — 
lucky  for  us  that  Aunt  Betsy  had  gone  to  the 
cellar  for  cold  cider  and  doughnuts !  The  old 
shell  recalled  a  little  incident  of  our  courtin' 
days.  Your  Uncle  had  taken  me  to  a  Fourth  of 


A  TKIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME        217 

July  celebration  in  the  village  near  by.  Now 
it  seems  to  have  been  an  unwritten  law  that  all 
the  family  should  be  at  home  from  this  festivity 
at  6  o'clock,  but  some  other  young  people  coaxed 
us  to  stay  and  see  the  fireworks  at  night.  Now 
it  was  another  unwritten  law  in  our  neighbor- 
hood that  this  conch  shell  was  never  to  be  used 
except  in  cases  of  fire,  accidents  or  lost  children, 
when  a  few  vigorous  blasts  would  bring  the 
whole  neighborhood  to  our  aid.  So  when  seven 
o'clock  come,  and  no  Phoebe,  and  eight  o'clock 
come  and  no  Phoebe,  what  did  Aunt  Betsy  do 
but  blow  that  conch  shell  louder  than  Gabriel's 
trumpet,  and  sitting  on  the  dewey  grass  on  your 
Uncle's  linen  duster,  enjoyin'  the  fireworks,  the 
old  conch  shell's  tones  smote  on  my  ear  like  the 
crack  of  doom.  Without  waitin'  to  explain,  I 
hurried  your  astonished  Uncle  to  the  top-buggy, 
and  halfway  home  we  met  a  small  searchin1 
party  headed  by  Aunt  Phoebe  lookin'  for  us. 
Your  Uncle  was  so  mad  he  didn't  come  to  our 
house  for  nearly  two  weeks,  much  to  Aunt  Bet- 
sey's satisfaction,  and  to  this  day  if  some  one 
blows  a  conch  shell  suddenly,  I  jump  as  if  I  was 
shot. 
"  After  Aunt  Betsy  came  back  with  the  cider, 


218    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOBNIA 

she  went  out  again  to  get  supper,  leavin'  us  to 
entertain  ourselves  with  the  family,  album. 
Eagerly  we  turned  the  leaves.  Aunt  Betsy's 
husband  came  first;  Cousin  Eansdale  Kelley, 
three  months  old,  taken  in  his  mother's  arms, 
his  two  yards  of  lace-trimmed  dress  trailing 
grandly  on  the  floor;  a  fat  little  girl,  with  tight- 
ly curled  hair,  claspin'  a  doll  in  her  arms, 
bore  the  legend,  'Phoebe  Eansdale,  aged  two 
years.9 

By  and  by  we  come  to  a  family  group — your 
Uncle's  father  and  mother,  she  holding  a  small 
boy  on  her  lap.  'What  homely  kid  is  that,  moth- 
er is  holdin'  on  her  lap?'  wondered  your  Uncle, 
adjustin'  his  glasses  and  lookin'  closely. 
1  Brother  John  made  rather  a  good-lookin'  man. 
I  never  thought  he  carried  such  a  food-trap  as 
that  aroun'  when  he  was  a  little  boy.  He  must 
have  got  tired  carryin'  his  ears  and  feet  aroun'. 
Holdin'  such  a  lookin'  kid  as  that  and  lookin' 
proud  of  him  in  the  bargain,  shows  what  mother 
love  will  do.  From  the  stern  look  on  his  face, 
father  don't  seem  to  be  any  too  well  pleased 
with  the  rangey  youngster  fate  has  wished  on 
him.  Wonder  when  that  picture  was  taken? 
Here  it  tells  on  the  back,'  and  he  read:  'James 


A  TEIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME        219 

P.  Harrison,  Mary  Ann  Harrison,  and  little 
Hiram  on  his  third  birthday.'  Your  Uncle  was 
considerably  taken  aback  when  he  found  it  was. 
himself.  By  and  by  we  found  a  picture  of  our- 
selves taken  on  that  Fourth  of  July,  showin* 
him  to  be  quite  a  handsome  young  lad,  and  he 
was  awfully  tickled  to  see  that  he  had  at  last 
caught  up  with  his  ears  and  mouth. 

"  'And  Phoebe,  you're  a  peach,'  says  he,  'in 
spite  of  your  dinky  hat  and  squeezed-in  waist. r 

"At  the  supper  table  I  had  two  pleasant  sur- 
prises. I  met  my  pretty  namesake,  Phoebe  Kel- 
ley,  and  Aunt  Betsy  gave  me  the  rose  bud  set  of 
dishes  that  had  been  in  our  family  200  years. 
After  supper,  we  an'  Aunt  Betsy  and  Jerome, 
the  hired  man  that  she  still  treated  like  a  boy 
in  spite  of  his  sixty  years,  made  the  roun's  of 
the  old  farm,  out  through  the  apple  orchard, 
across  a  little  clover  patch,  to  the  old  spring- 
house  with  its  pans  of  milk  everlastingly  repos- 
in'  in  troughs  of  icy  spring  water.  A  barrel 
sunk  in  the  ground,  over  a  bubblin'  spring,  re- 
called to  mind  a  near  tragedy  of  my  childhood, 
when  I  fell  headfirst  into  its  icy  depths. 

"Then  we  took  a  look  at  the  smoke-house  and 
saw  the  smoke  from  the  hickory  chips  curlin'  up 


220    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

among  the  hams.    Your  Uncle  hinted  so  hard 
that  Aunt  Betsy  gave  him  one  to  take  home. 

"  After  a  while,  the  moon  came  up  over  the 
hills,  and  the  whip-poor-wills  commenced  their 
plaintive  song  in  a  woodland  near  by.  'I'm  go- 
ing to  bed,'  suddenly  announced  Aunt  Betsy, 
'and  you,  Phoebe,  had  better  unpack  a  longer 
dress,  as  the  minister  and  his  wife  is  comin'  here 
to-morrow  for  dinner.' 

"  'Why,'  says  I,  taken  aback,  'I  only  brought 
the  dress  I  have  on.  What's  the  matter  with 
this?' 

"  'Well,  never  mind;  I'll  see  about  it,'  was  all 
she  said,  as  she  left  us  and  went  in  the  house. 

"The  night  was  hot,  and  I  knew  my  old  room 
would  be  stiflin',  so  we  sat  down  on  a  rustic 
bench  that  we  used  to  use  in  our  courtin'  days 
under  a  grape-arbor,  near  the  old  walnut  gate. 
The  air  was  heavy  with  the  scent  of  the  honey- 
locusts,  and  sounds  heard  only  in  a  woodland 
country  came  faintly  to  the  ear:  the  tinklin'  of 
a  cowbell;  the  barkin'  of  a  dog,  and  the  ever- 
lastin'  callin',  callin'  of  the  whip-poor-wills. 

"Suddenly  down  the  old  brick  walk,  leadin' 
to  the  front  gate,  came  Phoebe.  Up  from  the 
very  shadows,  so  suddenly  did  he  appear,  came 


A  TEIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME        221 

a  good-lookin'  young  man,  sayin',  'Darling,  I 
thought  you  would  never  come. ' 

"  *  Grandma  has  company,  Harold.  It  seems 
like  an  age  since  I  saw  you  last  night.' 

"  'Guess  what  I  have  in  my  pocket ' 

"  'Phoebe/  came  the  voice  of  Aunt  Betsy. 

"Phoebe  didn't  answer,  but  flecked  the  young 
man  playfully  with  a  bunch  of  honey-locust 
blooms. 

"  'I  got  the  ring  yesterday, '  continued 
Harold.  'I  cannot  let  you  go  to  Washington 
and  leave ' 

"  'Phoebe  Elizabeth,'  a  little  louder  from 
Aunt  Betsy. 

"  'Coming,  grandma,'  lied  Phoebe. 

"  'Lean  over  and  I'll  tell  you  something,'  said 
Harold  to  Phoebe. 

''She  leaned,  and  he  laughingly  caught  her  in 
his  arms.  They  looked  as  pretty  as  a  scene 
from  a  movin'  picture  show. 

"  'Phoebe  Elizabeth  Kelley,'  called  Aunt 
Betsy,  sticking  her  white-capped  head  out  of 
the  window,  'I'm  comin'  right  down  and,  if  that 
young  man  is ' 

"But  so  engrossed  were  they  with  each  other 
that  the  warning  fell  on  deaf  ears,  and  your 


222    UNCLE  HIEAM  IN  CALIFOENIA 

Uncle,  remembering  the  couch-shell  episode,  and 
fearing  the  worst  from  Aunt  Betsy,  suddenly 
called  out,  'Break  away!' 

"If  Harold  jumped  an  inch,  he  jumped  a  foot, 
and  he  was  out  of  sight,  down  the  pike,  and 
Phoebe  was  in  the  house  by  a  side  door  when 
Aunt  Betsy,  lookin'  puzzled  at  findin'  no  one, 
appeared  on  the  scene. 

"The  next  mornin'  I  was  awakened  from  a 
California  dream  by  what  I  thought  at  first  was 
the  fire  department,  but  what  proved  to  be  the 
six-o'clock  breakfast  bell  in  the  hands  of  the 
faithful  Jerome.  Knowing  Aunt  Betsy's  habit 
of  cleaning  off  the  breakfast  table  half  an  hour 
after  the  breakfast  bell  rang,  I  woke  your 
grumbin'  Uncle  and  made  haste  to  dress.  I 
looked  at  my  comfortable  Pullman  kimona,  but 
abandoned  the  idea  and  picked  up  my  tailored 
travelin'  skirt,  an'  could  scarcely  believe  my 
eyes  when  I  saw  that  a  six-inch  black  alpaca- 
plaited  flounce  had  been  sewed  neatly  onto  the 
bottom.  I  put  it  on,  and  the  plaited  flounce 
touched  the  floor  modestly  all  around,  and  I 
laughed  at  the  figure  I  cut  in  the  long  mirror. 
Your  Uncle  looked  up  gloomily  from  lacing  his 
shoes  and,  not  recpgnizing  the  skirt,  said: 


A  TRIP  TO  THE  OLD  HOME        223 

*  Couldn't  rest,  I  reckon,  without  draggin'  some 
new-fangled  Paris  style  home  with  you  from 
New  York.  I'll  bet  you're  just  dyin'  to  see 
what  Mrs.  Gambol  thinks  of  it.  "Well,  there  is 
one  thing  sure,  they  just  naturally  had  to  come 
lower,  since  they  couldn't  go  up  any  higher. 
What  goes  up  must  come  down — skirts  as 
well  as  anything  else.  You  do  look  funny, 

though ' 

"  A  rap  on  the  door  hurried  us  down  to  break- 
fast, and  your  Uncle  found  a  letter  by  his  plate. 
It  read:  'Honorable  Hiram  Harrison.  I  thank 
you  for  attention.  Be  informed  of  the  wondrous 
actions  of  your  servant,  Gusta,  and  the  Beauty 
Cat — also  yellow  birds  with  cage.  This  day 
Beauty  Cat  sun  himself  by  the  hedge.  Dog 
jump  over  hedge.  Much  growl.  Cat  claw  and 
make  faces.  Very  high  back,  big  tail.  Jump 
on  the  garage.  No  come  down.  Ito  get  ladder. 
Cat  claws  his  face.  Much  bleed.  Gusta  girl 
go  up.  Cat  come  down.  Both  fall  from  ladder. 
Gusta  cry.  Arm  no  go.  Cat  runs  house.  Three 
legs  only  used.  Now  Gusta  in  the  hospital, 
Beauty  in  cat  hospital;  much  hiss  and  make 
faces  at  other  sick  kitties.  Yellow  birds  no  eat 
for  Ito.  Present  address,  bird  store.  Every- 


224    UNCLE  HIRAM  IN  CALIFORNIA 

thing  fine;  also  the  devil  grass.  Dig  more  to- 
morrow, maybe.  Remember  Honorable  Missus. 
Very  kind  wishes.  Ito. ' 

"  'That  settles  it,'  said  your  Uncle,  awful 
cheerful  considerin'  all  the  broken  bones.  *  You 
won't  have  to  put  in  another  night  fannin'  and 
slappin'  mosquitoes  and  listenin'  to  them  ever- 
lastin'  whip-poor-wills.' 

"Of  course,  I  was  disappointed,  but  I  started 
in  to  pack  my  suitcase  and  your  Uncle  to  pack 
his  ham.  It's  wonderful,  the  lure  the  word  Cali- 
fornia has  for  every  one.  Aunt  Betsy  promptly 
accepted  our  invitation  to  visit  us,  and  when 
we  suggested  a  travelin'  companion,  she  said: 
'What  for?  I  paid  the  mortgage  off  this  farm, 
raised  a  Congressman,  and  I  guess  I  can  find 
California  without  taggin'  after  any  one.' 

"And  Phoebe  and  her  young  lawyer  are  com- 
ing out  on  their  weddin'  tour,  and  Jerome,  the 
hired  hand,  is  comin'  too.  He  says  he  has  put 
twenty  dollars  in  the  bank  every  year  for  forty 
years,  and  he  is  goin'  to  see  'California  First.' 
He  said  his  brother,  who  has  been  livin'  out 
there  at  the  County  Farm  for  two  years,  says  it 
beats  workin'  on  a  muddy  Indiana  farm  all 
hollow." 


